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The Graduate Student Body
06/08/06
by Shaw

As you may recall, Shaw's original purpose on this site as a columnist was to write articles reflecting his mathematical interests. Once it became clear that such writing would not be a blockbuster among our (or any) audience, Shaw started writing columns about grad school in general for a while. Since another Deadly Hippo shall soon be heading back to grad school, this seemed like a great time to revisit that tack with a new column on grad school. Of course the title of this column does not refer to that most pointless of governing bodies, the Graduate Student Senate. What I shall discuss here today are the finer points and details of what you might expect to find should you ever find yourself in the position to inspect the physical body, the corporeal shell, that houses the soul of a graduate student.

The Feet

The graduate student spends most of his day with feet swinging aimlessly under his desk as he ponders the impenetrable mystery of how to interpret his advisor's last piece of "advice." Depending on the quality of the previous meeting, there may be bruising on the big toe, obtained by expressing aggravation through kicking the wall.

In mathematics graduate school, shoes are not allowed. Sandals are permitted, with socks being the preferred style, of course. This usually results in a more weathered look, with yellowed toenails, blackened calluses, and often gnarled middle toes. Needless to say, one should not look directly at the feet of a math grad student lest he wish to skip several meals.

The Knees

Much of the time spent in a meeting with one's advisor is devoted to quieting an inner voice, which is pleading for the meeting to end soon. While not usually performed on one's knees, the mind sometimes transfers psychosomatic pressure to the knees to simulate hours spent kneeling, resulting in minor redness and swelling. This condition usually improves a few days after one leaves grad school, either by finishing or by giving up.

The Back

Most graduate students end up with a bad back. Ironically, this occurs despite the total lack of participation in sports or purposeful exercise. The back damage comes from two sources:

1. Most graduate student offices were built and first occupied 150 years ago or longer. Since that time, there have been no furniture changes, which means that the desks are too low and the chairs are all twisted and broken, resulting in a compensatory but permanent slouch.

2. Graduate students are always on the lookout for better rent and new roommates, so they usually move at least once a year. Moving tons of boxes coupled with a lack of physical fitness usually results in painful back spasms immediately following the move.

The Beard

Yes. A full beard is normal; most facial hair arrangements wouldn't raise an eyebrow, except, of course, clean-shavenness. Anywhere between 0 - 10 days' growth is considered suitable for formal attire, which in the graduate department is known as "puttin' on airs". Note: this observation readily applies to women as well.

The Mouth

After a few years of strict poverty, the tastebuds have atrophied to the point where a person is only able to make the distinction between "food" and "not food." Note: this seems like a big evolutionary step backward... because it is. This is not the first time I have mentioned that graduate students should not reproduce.

The Glutes

The 8 hour a day job of a graduate student is to sit and read/write/type. Accordingly, after 6 years, the ass of a graduate student comes to mold itself exactly to the chair in which work is most often done. This also effects a feeling of comfort with one particular mouse/computer/monitor arrangement. When a grad student tries to use someone else's computer, it doesn't feel right, kind of like when you drive someone else's car and have to readjust the seats and mirrors before you can go anywhere. Of course once you have adjusted the computer and accoutrements, you forget where you are and start to do work as if you were in your own office. This serves to annoy other people to the point where you aren't allowed to sit at their computers anymore.

The Liver

There are two kinds of grad student liver: the drinker, and the abstainer. The drinker's liver is, oddly enough, more healthy than the nondrinker's liver. This is because the only exercise the drinker gets is to go to a bar twice a week with his colleagues to discuss their research. If you are in mathematics, this means you will bring a washable marker to the bar and write out equations on the actual table, cleaning them up with backwash when you are done. (I am not making this up). Conversely, the nondrinker actually gets no exercise whatsoever. There is no side trip to the bar on the walk or drive home. It's straight to bed with a math book. This seems to be the less desirable position.

The Brain

Oddly enough, the graduate student brain is completely mush. Once you have been conditioned to do research, your ability to think creatively is battered by constant discoveries that you are completely wrong, and you develop a routine of academic inquiries that is able to be copied on a wide array of problems, but still looks different enough that you can write 100 pages on it. This 100 page document is called a dissertation.

Are you a grad student? Send us your favorite grad student body part via gmail or the message board.

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