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One Maverick Owner
06/26/06
by Clay
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban should be the corporate face of the NBA. Cuban is open, honest, cantankerous, smart (he probably knows what "cantankerous" means) and opinionated. He also doesn't take himself too seriously and in a league that's all too often more concerned with appearance than substance, Cuban is surprisingly authentic.
Put plainly, Cuban is a real individual in a league more concerned with selling the inauthentic. Witness the dress codes and league fines for anyone who dares to tread beyond the proscribed clichés and inane soundbites that so often populate professional sports.
Ask yourself this: Has Cuban ever said anything thousands of fans haven't said themselves in discussions with their friends? Millions of NBA fans across the country jumped off their couch and yelled at the television screen Sunday night when Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade drew a whistle for a questionable foul with 1.9 seconds remaining in overtime. I know I did and I didn't even care who won the game.
Because Cuban insists on treating everyone to the same brutal honesty on a blog each of us would share with his friends, he has become the NBA's own recurring ATM. The man has been fined $1.67 million by the league solely for being unwilling to toe the company line.
The NBA has not grasped it yet, but what sports fans crave more than mindless drivel in this day and age is authenticity. You can either love or hate him, but no one can dispute that Cuban is an accessible and authentic man. He is aware of his flaws and isn't afraid to make enemies to prove a point he believes is valid. Plus, and this is why we've always loved him at Deadly Hippos, he's actually funny and recognizes that professional sports themselves should be fun. In fact, if you can even think of a single intentionally funny quote from another sports owner, e-mail me because I'd like to know.
Photographic evidence backing up a recent Cuban quote: "For every billion
dollars I have, my ---- grows another 10 inches..."
I had all of these opinions before I decided to test out the vaunted everyman owner of the Dallas Mavericks by e-mailing him through his blog to see whether or not he would be interested in answering a few questions for me. Imagine my surprise when 30 minutes later, Cuban himself responded he'd be happy to consider and respond to my questions (including my query from Monday's Game 5 Diary about whether he owned any shirts that weren't tight).
Even in the midst of the biggest series of his basketball life, Cuban had time to prove he never takes himself or his position too seriously. Without further ado, here is the hard-hitting Mark Cuban interview. Somewhere, Mike Wallace just kicked an intern.
1. In your personal basketball games with buddies, how would you have reacted had one of your friends called the foul Dwyane Wade got on his drive at the end of Game 5?
No one calls that foul in a call your own game and gets invited back.
2. If George Clooney made this foul call in your game, would the result be any different?
Depends on who he brought to watch the game and if beverages were available.
3. First, do you own a shirt that isn't tight?
Yes.
Second, can you bench press more than Steve Nash?
Yes. But he can dunk (I have seen him dunk with both hands). I can't anymore.
Who looks tougher here, seriously?
4. Come clean. Shaq's "Biological Didn't Bother" is in your iPod, isn't it?
That's the one I deleted. The rest I work out to.
5. After a tough loss, do you lie in bed and pull a Clay where you try and remind yourself of positive facts in your life over and over again to counteract the pain of the loss?
No. I read some of the e-mails I get and tell myself my life ain't so bad.
6. Have you ever contemplated lobotomizing members of the sports media with plastic knives in the midst of post-game interviews? If so, please tell us Stephen A. Smith would be your first choice.
I like Stephen A. I wouldn't lobotomize him. I would remove his vocal chords and replace them [with] one of those Peter Frampton guitar things and make him play, "I want you, to show me the way ... NBA." Listening to him go "wobba wobba woo" in that vocal thing would be hysterical.
Cuban flexes in preparation for the tracheotomy he must perform.
7. In the event of an NBA Finals victory, would you would pull a Deion Sanders/Tim McCarver moment with NBA Commissioner David Stern and chase him around with a bottle of champagne or a bucket for a good dousing? If this question is in poor taste and best dodged, my buddy JT wonders if you would prefer the steel cage, the Octagon, or a 12 round boxing match with David Stern?
My buddy suggested to me that a wedgie would be most appropriate.
8. Would it be possible to rent a dump truck and deliver your NBA fines in quarters at league offices?
I wish.
9. Would you rather live in Beirut or San Antonio?
Hey, I love [San Antonio], and if you ever say anything bad about it again, I will make you drink from the Riverwalk water.
10. It's Game 7 and Dirk's at the line in a tie game and a legitimate timeout has just been called. Would you be opposed to David Hasselhoff serenading the team with one of his timeless classics in the huddle?
I'm cool ... if it's his new hot song " Hooked on a Feeling." Uga uga uga chukka.
Seriously, there is a video for it, click
here to see it on YouTube. Incredible.
11. Bottom line, is there any way you end up a billionaire if you aren't a sports fan?
Nope.
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