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Most uncomfortable commercial on TV
06/23/06
by Clay
I don't know anything about advertising, but I am absolutely certain of this fact: Seeing Kevin Bacon and Michael Jordan advertise Hanes underwear is the most uncomfortable minute of the NBA Playoffs thus far (except for every television shot of the telecasters that remind everyone Doug Collins has, in fact, chosen to go with platinum blond hair). The Hanes commercial is like an underwear car accident -- you want to look away, but the strained acting, awkward body language and grapes tossing keeps you pinned to the couch peeking through your eyes.
Here is the commercial in frame-by-frame analysis:
First, Bacon shoots a jumper in triplicate on the right side of the screen. From out of nowhere, Jordan soars into the screen wearing the staples of athletic apparel: A black shirt, black belt and gray dress pants. Jordan rejects Bacon's shot. Bacon then attempts to shoot his car keys into a bowl, but Jordan rejects his keys as well.
Each man eyes the other ruefully and Jordan slowly shakes his head (truth be told, there is nothing funnier than swatting someone's car keys). Kevin Bacon then wads up a piece of paper and attempts to toss it into the trash can. But ... you guessed it! His Airness is there once again to protect the sanctity of the trash can by sliding by in a chair just in time for the swat. Yep, a rolling chair. Rejected. Too bad they didn't use Marv Albert's voice here.
No. 23 rehearses for his new commercial
Finally, Bacon attempts to toss a grape above his head and into his mouth, but Jordan is there again to swipe away the grape. Four rejections! All this activity has boiled down to the crucible moment, the only spoken line by either man of the commercial: "What?" Jordan asks, and then winks at Bacon. That's it.
MJ. Seriously. If you block one more f-ing shot, I will kill you.
Also, the entire commercial appears to have been filmed on an eerie Cabinet of Dr. Caligari-esque set. Basically, we are led to believe that for whatever reason, Kevin Bacon likes to shoot things and Michael Jordan likes to reject them after it leaves Bacon's hand. But now that you know the commercial in all its brilliance, it's time for my favorite things that aren't discussed or explained in the commercial itself:
1. Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are hanging out. I flat out do not believe that Jordan and Bacon would ever spend time together doing anything. So while occasionally ads can have you at "hello," this one had me at "no" from the start. Admittedly, I've been angry at Bacon ever since he had a frontal nude scene in Wild Things and Neve Campbell didn't.
2. Someone at Hanes thought: Michael Jordan + Kevin Bacon = marketing goldmine. Even worse, someone else thought this initial idea was a good one and passed it along until eventually, this commercial got made. Didn't anyone have doubts about this? When this commercial was screened, did Hanes executives high-five one another and say, "By God, make sure we double production of the Hanes ComfortSoft Woven Boxer. This is genius."
On his day of retirement, Jordan ponders the future... "ruling the NBA
was great, but will I ever get a chance to go head to head with Kevin Bacon?"
3. Bacon is tossing grapes and Jordan swats one away from him. Remember when Jordan dunked from the free-throw line? And remember how I said he single-handedly made knee-length shorts, bald heads for black men and the tongue sticking out on the playground really cool moves? Well, now the time has come: Jordan is officially the old dude who is swatting grapes away from the guy who starred in Footloose. We all knew MJ's athletic talents would eventually succumb to Father Time, but did his coolness have to evaporate all at once as well? It's almost like George Clooney announcing tomorrow he's dating Starr Jones.
4. Jordan gives a subtle "no" head shake after each rejection of Bacon's jumper, car keys, piece of paper and grape. This is the same guy who was pinning actual jumpers against the glass a few years ago. Now, he's relegated to rejecting Bacon's car keys? Remember that scene in the parking lot from Boogie Nights where Dirk Diggler is performing for $20? The rejections in this Hanes commercial are Jordan's parking lot moment.
Pinning the aforementioned jumper.
5. Did I mention that Bacon is tossing grapes? Again, I'm baffled that someone could have ever believed this would make a compelling commercial. What other ideas did this eventually beat out? I would absolutely love to see the discarded script for this television commercial. Squirting lemons at one another? Slicing onions? Please, someone show me the flow chart of brilliance that led to tossing and rejecting grapes.
Bacon with a really huge grape.
6. Suzy Kolber's role in that Diet Pepsi commercial looked like an Oscar winning turn compared to this commercial. You know, the one where she interviews the Diet Pepsi machine while everyone is chanting, "Machine, Machine ..." in the background? Oh man, what if Suzy Kolber turned down the Hanes commercial because she didn't like the script? Okay, we're officially turning this into an Internet rumor.
7. Someone from Hanes called Kevin Bacon and said they wanted him to star in an underwear commercial with Michael Jordan. If you were one of Bacon's friends, wouldn't this be the greatest prank to play on him? I just can't believe Bacon ever believed this was legitimate up until the point where the Hanes check actually cleared.
8. Bacon changed his wardrobe about 43 times during the commercial. We see Bacon resplendent in a nice brown blazer, a black leather jacket with white T-shirt underneath, a brown leather jacket and about 15 different colored T-shirts. Jordan, however, remains clad in his black shirt, gray dress pants and black belt throughout. A part of me hopes that when told to change clothes, Jordan said, "It doesn't matter what I wear, this commercial is going to be horrible. I'm not changing clothes. Cut my check."
Michael Jordan is to the Hanes ad as Kevin Bacon is to this movie.
9. Okay, so could there be a subtext to the Hanes commercial? Could the grapes being tossed be a dig at rival Fruit of the Loom? If so, what percentage of viewers got this? One percent at best. And here's a clue: It's underwear. Incorporate a hot girl if you want a subtext.
10. How bad are things for Matthew Perry? First, he awkwardly shoots pool with Jordan while awkwardly bantering and then Hanes replaces him with Kevin Bacon. Not that Perry was any more believable as Jordan's buddy, but he got axed from the commercials. If only Perry was replaced by Marcel the monkey from Friends.
You want marketing goldmine? I'll give you marketing goldmine: Dirk Nowitzki + David Hasselhoff. Throw in K.I.T.T. and give it a nice line like, "If underwear was made for talking cars, I'd never take it off." I guarantee Hanes would have to open up new sweat shops.
Incidentally, when I told my wife about this column, she said, "I think you're underestimating Kevin Bacon's appeal. He's huge." Unfortunately for her, she also said in response to my commercial idea, "Who's Dink Norwitzkay?" Maybe my theory needs some work, too. But much less work than this Hanes commercial.
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