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Ask JT III - The Resurrection
06/07/06
by JT
Completely unlike Christ being resurrected from death, JT is back to offer our readers bad advice to the most difficult of life's questions. If you have any questions for JT email him here at deadlyhippos@gmail.com, if you are lucky he'll answer them and if you are very lucky he won't.
JT is not a qualified psychiatrist. He is not an expert in the self-help field. He is not an expert on anything. He is simply a man who drinks a pint of whiskey before answering his readers questions and pleas for help... and hopes that in some way he can assist them in their pathways through life... but he probably won't:
Dear JT,
I am a 5'10' 160lb Indian man dating a 6'0 beautiful black woman who used to date Dhani Jones, linebacker for the Philadelphia Eagles, and possessor (presumably) of a much lengthier endowment than myself. Should I be concerned?
Not Scared of Dhani
Dear NSD,
If I had to answer your query in two words it would be these "Yes. Very."
However, as a well respected giver of poor advice, allow me to elaborate a bit more upon my answer. There is a saying that lesser endowed men invented, and women like to use to avoid telling their phallicaly challenged partners the truth, and the saying is, "It ain't the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean!" In most cases however, this is an outright fabrication. The more truthful saying used within the female gender when speaking amongst themselves is something like this, "the bigger the junk the better." Unfortunately for all men, women are complex and demanding creatures, and thus it is both the size of the boat and the motion in the ocean required for true levels of pleasure.
With that said, there is a possibility that Dhani Jones isn't hung like a fully grown walrus. At 6'1" 240 lbs, perhaps the sheath misrepresents the true size of his sword. Probably not though. If I had to guess I would assume that Dhani is a world class poon-driller whom never fails to "hit bottom". Sorry buddy. My advice would be to start stretching your tongue to get it into shape for Boston Marathon levels of cunnilingus. Because if we are to believe all stereotypes, then we are all well aware that white dudes can't dance, Asian dudes have tiny winkies, and black dudes never go down on chicks. Plus, as an Indian man who most likely runs his very own 7-11, you may be just fine pleasing her with that Indian Elephant at your disposal, but work on the tongue thing just to be safe.
Best of luck my friend, you definitely need it.
Thank you come again.
JT
Dhani the poon-driller. Be afraid
Dear JT,
“Is it weird that I’m embarrassed to take a shit at work? When I go in there and there are people around I go to the urinal and stand there pretending like I'm pissing, but when they leave I hustle into a stall so no one can say the saw me taking a dump."
Steve
Steve,
You should be embarrassed to shit at work, shitting at work is disgusting and should never be done unless it is a total emergency. In fact, you should avoid defecating in the presence of your fellow employees by any means necessary. For example, I enjoy dropping the duece at a nearby bank. It is clean, private, and I don't bank there so I don't have to worry about seeing these people in any other circumstance. However, I understand that this isn't always possible. Here is a scenario. Let's say that you ate a breakfast burrito from the Roach Coach, with a roasted jalepeno. A half an hour later, you play a little game of Mexican Roulette and you lose... you have to take a dump at work. In these situations there are a few "Office Shitter" moves and rules that you can use to leave your co-workers with absolutely no knowledge that it is you committing these foul atrocities upon the ivory thrones they frequent. These moves and rules will help you become a Secret Work Shitter, or SWS for short. There are 4 of these rules, and the one you are referring to is rule #3, also known as "The Play Action Fake “. The other rules are:
#1, "The Phantom Shitter"- With this move you are nearing the end of your office dump and someone opens the door. You must quickly stand and pretend you are taking a piss. Make a comment about the smell if necessary, flush, and pretend to buckle yourself up. Hopefully the other party will have left at this point and you can resume your activities.
#2, "The Holy Ghost Dump" - You are deeply committed to your defecation and there is no turning back when another party enters. Simply lift your legs and pray that your coworker doesn't notice anyone is there. If God wills it, you will be able to leave without notice.
#4. "The Dual Dump" - You are stuck in the stall and another coworker comes in with the same agenda. Wait until he is in the middle of doing his business and leave quietly. He doesn't want you to know who he is, and you don't want him to know who you are. You both have leverage and nothing to worry about. Just make sure you have left the premises before he finishes so no one has any actual proof.
Follow these simple rules and you have nothing to worry about. Or you can just not be a disgusting pig and wait to take a shit until you get home.
Thanks for writing!
JT
Don't let this poor bastard be you
Dear JT,
“JT, in several columns you have mentioned your dancing skills. Where are you when I want to go out!?!? All the guys where I go just stand around with their hands in their pockets like 8Th graders. How do I get the party started without seeming like a total slut?”
Wendy from Arkansas
Dear Wendy,
First off, yes, I am a fantastic dancer. I'm not going to lie, and I do enjoy hyping myself up. I can easily give Vanilla Ice a run for his money any day of the week, including Saturdays. That's right, I never close on weekends. And I'm not talking about today's rock / rap shell of the former V.Ice. I'm talking about the Ice Man in his heyday breaking it down to his classic remake of "Play That Funky Music White Boy". In fact, when the Fox channel was getting ready to begin it's new show So You Think You Can Dance they wrote a personal letter to me which simply read:
JT,
Don't bother coming. Everyone already knows you can dance.
Sincerely,
The Fox Broadcasting Company and the Rest of Planet Earth
But I digress. Back to your question.
Often times you will find that the answer to life's most difficult questions lie within the question itself. I don't believe that you should write off being a total slut to get the party started. In fact, I don't think you should write off being a total slut anytime or anyplace. But that isn't the point here. Think of this like hunting. The male bar dancer is a rare breed that will sit in hiding, standing against the wall with one leg up, unless properly enticed. Your slutty cavorting display is like the mating call that will draw the male bar dancer out into the open. That, and a lot of booze. The next time you and your girls want to go dancing, start at the bar and vociferously yell out something like "Tequila Time!!" Any man within earshot will immediately migrate towards your group and try to order you shots. Once you feel they have been filled with enough liquid courage, drag them to the dance floor and enjoy. Also, you should make out with your girlfriends as often as possible. This may or may not entice men to dance but, in the opinion of this advice columnist, every group of female friends out at a bar should make out with each other at least twice an hour. It's just common courtesy.
If all this still doesn't work, take a trip to Denver and frequent our many fine drinking institutions. You'll eventually run into a handsome man doing the cabbage patch like no ones business. Flash your chest so I know that it's you.
Best of luck!
JT
The challenge has been issued Ice
Dear JT,
Why does it hurt when I pee?
-Irritated pee-hole in Denver
Dear IphiD,
In my experience there are only 3 things that a man should truly be afraid of:
1.) When the extraordinarily hot yet frighteningly psycho girl you recently started boning tells you "Aunt Flo" is late.
2.) Finding yourself in a fight to the death with Jason Bourne, Chuck Norris, and a hungry Velociraptor.
3.) Painful urination.
Granted I don't know you but if you are a man, but if you are (judging from you're use of vocabulary) I would say that it is not the result of syphilis or any other STD. You have nothing to worry about. In fact, I would venture to say that you have most likely never spewed forth your man milk in the vicinity of a human woman. Your pain is most likely the result of overly vigorous masturbation. My advice to you IphiD is to stop pleasing yourself by dry humping your sister's lace panties and invest in some sort lubricant. If you are too embarrassed to schill out the extra cash for professional lube, you can stop by your local supermarket and pick up some Jergens lotion or something. Sounds like you may need the extra large bottle though.
If you are a woman than you have an STD... you dirty filthy whore. You need to go to the clinic immediately, and once it has cleared please give me a call. There is an important place for harlots like you in our society and it is a place called my underpants.
Not recommended masturbatory material
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