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Pat Robertson's magical protein shake
05/23/06
by Clay
Every now and then, a Deadly Hippos reader e-mail causes me to question my entire worldview. Such was recently the case. We received many responses regarding my quest to leg press 400 pounds and "show up former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright." None was more shocking than this one from Ken Pederson of Seattle:
"400 pounds is nothing! Rev. Pat Robertson, 76, can leg press 2,000 pounds. I saw him on TV the other day and the capillaries in his eyes looked just fine!"
If you do not click on the link Ken provided to Robertson's Web site right now, you are truly lazy and missing the most remarkable feat of physical strength since Video SPiN featured Lasha Pataraya pulling two trucks with his ear.
Here's the text from his Web site:
Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds? How does he do it? Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman?
One of Pat's secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients. Discover what kinds of natural ingredients make up Pat's protein shake by registering for your FREE booklet today!
Three things:
1. I am going to drink this protein shake of his and try to leg press a Mazda Miata with three clowns sitting inside.
2. There is no way on earth Robertson leg presses 2,000 pounds. That would mean a 76-year-old man broke the all-time Florida State University leg press record by 665 pounds over Dan Kendra. 665 pounds. Further, when he set the record, they had to modify the leg press machine to fit 1,335 pounds of weight. Plus, Kendra's capillaries in his eyes burst. Burst. Where in the world did Robertson even find a machine that could hold 2,000 pounds at one time? And how does he still have vision?
3. It's rare the Deadly Hippos Guarantee makes an appearance, but here, it is justified. There is no way Robertson leg presses 2,000 pounds. Period. If he can, I will box a round against Andrew Golota without wearing a jockstrap. After about 20 minutes on Robertson's Web site, I managed to find a way to send an e-mail without having to give my credit card information. Here was the text:
I would like to interview Pat Robertson about his leg-press workout and protein shake. If possible, I would like to accompany Pat on his workout where I could help him stack on the 44 different 45-pound plates he would need to attach to leg press 2,000 pounds. By my calculations, his leg press of 2,000 pounds requires 22 forty-fives and one ten-pounder on each side.
I look forward to hearing back from you,
Clay Travis
Amazingly, no one was bothered by the fact Albright said she could leg press 400 pounds, but at least one reader did have a problem with my being able to bench press 225.
Zach from Pittsburgh wrote:
"You can bench press 225 even once? Pounds or grams? You look like a skinny little girl. Honestly, I lift five days a week and I pretty much can look at someone and guess how much they bench press. I'm not trying to make fun of you by saying it, but you don't look like you could bench press much more than 150, 160 pounds ... maybe you could max out at 175 if that. You look weak."
Beside my byline is my mugshot, the photo Zach used to assess my bench press ability. Amazed at his assessment talent (however flawed), I wrote back to find out what he thought Karl Crauser would bench. Zach's answer? "10 times on 225." From there, Zach said his opinion of my bench press had been based, "On your headshot, the angle makes it look like you have a small upper body."
Presumably by angle, he means the straight-ahead angle that most headshots consist of unless you are being booked for a crime. Nevertheless, I decided to e-mail him a picture of Pat Robertson to see what Zach thought he would bench and leg press.
Zach did not disappoint.
"To be honest, I would guess from that picture he could bench maybe 150 pounds a few times -- no more than 160. Leg press ... maybe 350 considering Albright can get 400. He looks skinny, plus he's old. In his prime, he might have been a strong buck, but it looks like he's lost his A-game."
To put it simply, when Pat Robertson loses Zach from Pittsburgh, you've lost America.
Ashley from Columbus, Ohio was troubled by my Joakim Noah column.
"It seems like you are just hating on Noah and he is nowhere near ugly -- that's just your opinion. You can say that. Do you know him? Have you ever actually talked to him? As for the ugly part, you're definitely wrong. You're just mad that you're not a star and that the girls' basketball team at my school don't have a crush on you."
Ashley, apparently you missed my Deadly Hippos column entitled: "I would give up 10 years of my life to be Joakim Noah for a week." Now that we've got that misconception out of the way, you are completely right about how angry I am that a girl's basketball team in Columbus, Ohio doesn't have a crush on me.
Each night, as I try to go to sleep, I keep making my hands into fists and slam them into my pillow while tears run down my cheeks. Then my NFL cheerleader wife turns to me and says, "Clay, what's the matter?" And I say, "It's that girl's high school basketball team in Columbus, Ohio that doesn't have a crush on me."
"That again?" she says while rolling over as I cry myself to sleep.
Chris Byrne from Florida said:
"As a Florida alumnus, I must say that your column on Joakim Noah was dead on. This poor guy got the worst gene combo possible out of his two parents. I've often compared him to Fran Stalinofskivich, the ugly Globogym female player in the movie Dodgeball. And his gratuitous chest thumping was almost too much to take. That was until he developed his new move -- the winking/pointing face. Who's this guy winking at anyway?
At least the kid can play ball and for that, the Gator Nation is VERY grateful. As a side note, I can tell you're a big fan of the shocker. For that, I'd like to send you a shocker T-shirt my buddies and I made for a recent vacation. For each trip, we make up an obnoxious T-shirt and wear it out the same night. This, of course, pisses off our ladies in the process and allows us fellas to get completely bombed without getting hassled.
The shocker T-shirt was a big hit and worth every funny look (both curious and disgusted) we got from women once their husbands or boyfriends explained what it meant. All that said, please e-mail me the appropriate mailing address to send your very own shocker T-shirt."
Excellent e-mail and nice move on the T-shirts. My friends and I find that girls don't like us very much and we don't even need to wear offensive T-shirts. Having said that, you can send the T-shirt to:
Verne Lundquist
c/o CBS Sports
New York, New York
Mark Musselman from Gainesville, Fla. wrote:
"I hooked up with Joakim Noah's current girlfriend (he knows this) and dated Taurean Green's girlfriend. They are average. The girls they get aren't that hot."
If this is true, there is no justice in the world. None.
Ben Hendricks brought the hardcore trash talk about my Noah column with this e-mail:
"And before you start making remarks about Noah being an ugly child, I suggest that you look in the mirror."
Ben, Ben, Ben ...
Hours and hours to think of something to write to me and you went with the mirror line? That was played out when William Shakespeare was still alive in England. Old Will himself would have slapped you in the face with his finest linen glove and ripped off the fluffy collar on your shirt if you said this to him.
And really, can someone who has an e-mail address that begins with "darthgator" be taken seriously on any subject? You might as well stamp, "I live in my mother's basement and race her on Sudoku puzzles on Saturday night" on your forehead. Granted, that would be a lot of words, but I'm sure you're bald, too, so it could just spiral around the top of your head as well.
Shaw from Greenbelt, Md. said:
"Since you called for Michelle Rodriguez's Ana-Lucia character on Lost to be killed, do you accept partial responsibility for her death? Also, could she beat you up?"
Responsibility? Don't you mean take credit? Of course this would assume that anyone at Lost was aware the Deadly Hippos column existed and that I called for her character to be killed on the show. I did, however, watch Ana-Lucia get shot by Michael five times on my DVR in an effort to make sure there was no way she could have survived the shooting. Good riddance.
To answer your second question, there is no way I would fight Michelle Rodriguez. Somehow I get the feeling I would be the Robin Ventura to Rodriguez's Nolan Ryan.
Demko from Atlanta took issue with the final line of my column about walking the grounds at the practice round of the Masters:
"Is this really what you wrote or did you have a seventh grade girl write it in her unicorn notebook?"
"The future of golf is as colorful as its most beautiful course."
I'm glad you brought this up. In an effort to curry favor with the girl's basketball team in Columbus, Ohio, I had Ashley and her friends proofread. But come on, a unicorn notebook? Everyone knows unicorns are played out. It came from her liger notebook. Also, at the time that column was written, I was hoping to get an interview for the opening on The View after Meredith Vieira left the show. That didn't work out so well.
Levi Woodroof from Houston brought up the NBA television schedule:
"Is the NBA aware that both Dallas and San Antonio are in the Central time zone? If so, why in the world are they starting the Mavs/Spurs series at 9:30 p.m. local time?"
Levi, it's the NBA's fervent desire to cause as many fights as possible between parents and their children over bedtime on a school night. Also, David Stern hates George Bush and this is his revenge. President Bush's bedtime is 10:00 p.m. Eastern.
Scott Sample from Kansas couldn't let my shocker column go. This is fine because Deadly Hippos has become the patron saint of the shocker. My parents are very proud. This entire e-mail was originally written in caps, by the way.
"You are a moron! Don't write about something unless you know about it. The shocker got its name from us, it's not a coincidence. We are the Wichita State Shockers and we make a 'W' with our hand just like Louisville makes an 'L' or Stephen F. Austin makes a 'J' with theirs because they are the Jacks. Just because immature youths have sexualized the symbol, it does not mean we are going to change our tradition. Suppose the whole world started using the American flag as a symbol for sex? Would the U.S. then change our flag? No, so get it right, you idiot, and then post your stupid column."
Scott, what if Louisville made an "L" using their middle finger instead of their index finger? Would everyone else be an idiot for having the temerity to suggest that, maybe, just maybe, that wasn't only an "L" sign? But I give credit where it's due. Your American flag supposition has completely altered my opinion. Please write back and let us know what analogies you discarded as being utterly ridiculous before you settled on the American flag as a symbol for sex being so breathtakingly brilliant that it could not be responded to.
That's it for now, keep the e-mails coming and maybe one day you too can taste the sweet nectar that is Deadly Hippos Reader Response immortality. My fingers are crossed on my Pat Robertson media request. I'm going on the record by saying hi gym doesn't even have 44 of the forty-five pound weights.
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