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People at Work II: The Unabridged Version
05/04/06
by DJ
If you remember, which you probably don’t, mainly because you are stupid, that I had an article descriptively entitled People at work. Now that I am back for the summer until my next foray into the European unknown, I do what every other person does, sit on their ass by the beach and get wasted. Then I go to work. Fear not, 8 to 5 DJ is not here to stay, he is just visiting for a few months while European Basketball Player DJ is on vacation. The temporary albeit frothy, struggling submersion into the working class, or with people I like to call “workies”, has brought about new creatures that have evolved since last year. Somehow, these went unnoticed before, but I have found them and I have brought them to you, and in the spirit of the NBA and NHL playoffs, if you double click the period at the end of this sentence it will be brought to you in HipposVision, our version of HD. See, I was right. You are stupid.
1. The Person Who Actually Double Clicked
One of you did it. I know odds are I personally don’t work with you, but someone does. And I feel for them. Really? HippoVision? You are in a class of your own. You make Chicken Little look like Einstein. But you can’t climb to the top if there aren’t bottom rungs. Thank you Mr. Rung.
2. The Snitch
Also known as the NARC. This sniveling snake’s desired position is the boss’s lap dog. To accomplish this they will divulge any juicy office tidbit that might get someone fired and then take their position. They are the ones who stare a little too long at your computer screen when they pass by. They always drop “friendly reminders” to you when you go over your internet time usage that the boss would “frown upon it if they found out”. They always seem to remind you that you only get two separate fifteen minute breaks and not one long thirty minute break. I would love to remind them that being the stunt double for a speed bump would in my own personal action flick is what is in store for them the next time they even look my direction.
3. The Dude Who Might At Any Minute Snap and Gun Down the Whole Office
AKA the Robot aka Ahnold. This dude is the strong silent type with a furrowed brow. All one word answers. Military buzz cut all the way around for this dude. He also never breaks protocol: In at 8AM sharp out by 5PM sharp, same lunch time and place every day, tie done in a perfect knot. But you never actually see him eat, or his hair grow. He walks a little too stiff, and he has that one metal cabinet in his office that could easily contain a couple Bowie knives and an M-16, an emaciated Jon Benet Ramsey, or be a portal to the future where human hunting robots rule the earth. Either way you feel slightly afraid when you park at the same time and have to walk to the building together. And by slightly afraid I mean profuse taint sweating and mild track stains left from an uncontrollable urge to shit yourself when alone with this obvious psycho.
4. The Movie Quote Guy
There is a time and place for Chappelle quotes and Lebowski rhetoric. And when I am 3 minutes away from being late for the 85th time this month and being fired is not one of them. This dude always stops you right when you are actually about to do some actual work or just wanting some alone time to drink heavily in your office with some ill-timed quote. Yes asshole, I know “It tastes so good once it hits your lips” and I also can’t wait for Chappelle season three, but couldn’t this have waited until after I had wiped my ass and left the shitter? Jesus. Here’s a quote from the movie Let Me Shit In Peace Or I Will Wipe With Your Sleeve: “Leave me the fuck alone!!!”
5. The Inappropriately Close To A Racial Slur Guy
This dude’s joke are a little too edgy for Pedro or JeVon to laugh at. Even in normal conversation the way he talks seems like the next word out of his mouth may actually be a racial slur. He is usually red faced and wears his tie loose knotted. His mere presence makes everyone uncomfortable. Calls all the ethnic dudes “bro” or “hombre” a little too much. It’s a wonder why nobody has filed a complaint yet. He has no friends because even a loose association with the guy puts you in a category you don’t want to be in.
6. The Absolute Biggest Asshole of All-Time, But Is Friggin’ Hilarious Guy
This dude differs from the above guy because he may be an asshole, but gosh he is hilarious. The stories he tells. This guy really has it coming to him. He responds sarcastically to all the emailed office party invitations with “Can I bring beer?”. Even the stamp on his email has a made up title like “Esquire Brody James, Sales Coordinator”. He of course is in borderline violation of all the dress codes with his 5 o’clock shadow, loosely tucked shirt, and black slip on “dress” shoes with the black raised soles. His main trait is having a derogatory, yet surprisingly creatively and hilarious nickname for everyone in the office. The humpbacked UPS guy is “Qwaz” and the fat lady with the mustache is “Archie B.” He will one day die a painful death by pummeling when he insults the wrong guy with a huge just-out-of-jail-and-not-afraid-to-go-back brother. But he will die a legend.
7. The Drug Mule
This dude has one use and one use only: To supply the office with dope. You know who it is because his office phone never rings, but his cell phone rings off the hook. He has the sunken eyes and pale skin of a man on the cusp of restarting a week long drug binge, in other words Rob Zombie. All the girls (although visibly frightened at first) go by his office and leave giggling, obviously happy they scored a twenty sac for the big bachelorette party this weekend or for their boyfriend/husbands birthday party. The boss acts like he hates him but keeps him on because “He is a good worker and never causes any problems. I have no reason to fire him”. Loosely translated this means “I am too old, lazy, and vastly uncool to find my own goodies, and boy do I have a closet drug habit to feed.” Barring an FBI raid, he has the safest job in the company.
If you notice there are in fact seven new ones, keeping in stride with our prime numbers gambit thus making SHAW bubble over with glee. Or self-loathe. It looks the same from a distance. At any rate, there you have it. Seven more peeps who give you the creeps in the everyday struggle with the Man. If you have anymore, please feel free to post them on our message board, and as always, look both ways before grabbin’ the teats….her husband might be around….
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