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Lakers v. Suns Game 4 Diary
05/01/06
by DJ

Webmaster's note: Never content to watch a game diary go by without visual stimulation, Clay intercepted DJ's game diary and added an assortment of unrelated pictures with germaine humorous comments. He wanted the webmaster to mention this because sometimes they refer to Clay, and when they reference DJ they do so in the third person; this wouldn't make sense if you thought DJ had put them up himself.

I have had the opportunity to go see many a game in my day. Of all varieties of sports. Before Sunday, the most memorable one had been at the retirement of my childhood hero, Reggie Miller a few weeks ago. I was going to do a game diary of that one but quite frankly I was at a loss for words. So Sunday I set out to hopefully find a new memorable game, and it would not disappoint my friends.

Be still DJ's heart.

9:30 AM to 10:30 AM - Woke up stoked out of my gourd that I had gotten tix to this game. It pays to know people. Hopped in the shower and threw on my Sunday best. Wife looked fantastic. Even had time to throw down my first scotch and water of the day before I left.

10:31 AM - Get in the car and ask my wife where the directions to Staples Center were. Turns out they were still on Mapquest.com. Run back inside, wife runs to the bank to grab parking cash.

10:45AM - Finally on our way. We listen to the NFL Draft on ESPN radio and ESPNews. The draft is such a big deal that I found myself listening to it while driving. A definite first for yours truly.

11:15 AM - I hit a stretch of I-10 that's so rough it feels like I'm driving over an elephant bone yard. Orange County and LA County are in the top 10 richest counties in the nation and they can't get a good freeway to connect the two? My wife is painting her nails and says, "Can't you drive any smoother?" 10,000 sarcastic comments rivet through my skull, but there is only one answer. "Sorry..."

What DJ's wifes nails might have looked like if she were painting images of suicidal Japanese women on them.

11:50AM - Park and go through the VIP entrance which is really sick. The Staples Center is amazing. It has almost a college atmosphere because the people love the Lakers so much and they wear jersey's and seem drunk. We shuffle through the "peasants" and make our way to the American Express Bar. Nice digs. I inquire about the cost of a buffet per person and was told $39.99 per person. The waiter was not impressed when I asked if that included a happy ending. We settled for drinks which means more scotch for me. Hooray!

A picture of scotch for all the alcoholics with Monday morning sweats.

12:15 PM - We get to our seats. We are seven rows above the press table. With the Suns bench to our left and the Lakers to our right. There are stars everywhere. I am usually not easily impressed by much, but this was kind of overload. All the starsl look short. I call Clay and rub it in. He then points out the fact he has the nicest TV known to man that quite possibly has the most perfect picture ever created and he will look for us. The TV is so sharp you can probably see what people are thinking.

What Clay is always thinking about.

1st Quarter:

- The intro for the Lakers is incredible. Phenomenal. I swear I got chills. Hopefully it was just cold because otherwise that would be gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

- This is the first time I've seen Kobe in person. He actually isn't that imposing of a specimen. He just makes everything look so easy. Like the lob he caught in the few 5 seconds of the game.

- Nash starts out hitting six points in a row. This is my second time seeing him and both times I have been impressed. He sees the floor like there aren't any defenders there. Actually, for his first six points there weren't any.

- Kobe hits like four more points including turnaround jumper from behind the backboard.

- I look around and notice that Kareem-Abdul Jabbar is an assistant coach. What is extremely abnormal is that he doesn't sit with the team. He sits like 10 rows up behind their bench in a space just for him, presumably so he can sit cross legged and meditate during timeouts, sending telepathic messages to Phil Jackson. Christ Kareem is so weird. And an ass to boot, but that is a story for another time.

A contemplative Kareem...who strikingly, in this photo, looks like DJ in about thirty years.

- They showed some people on the JumboTron that were sitting in the luxury suites. This should be illegal. They already have luxury suites, is it really necessary to give them more face time?

- DJ's scotches: 2. Suns up 26-25.

2nd Quarter:

- I realize that not only am I holding a pad and pen, I am also holding a scotch while wearing a Hounds tooth jacket. I look like a professor. I quickly discard the pen and pad.

- Man, Jack Nicholson curses like a sailor. There is some guy next to him who looks about 87 thousand years old and is pretty animated too. I wonder what the Vegas odds are of him actually dying court side at a Lakers game?

Vegas odds of this man taking home a hotter chick each night than anyone who will read this column: 10,000 to 1. What does this say about America?

- I have seen a skillion fake breasts by this point. There was no notepad needed to remember to type that one.

- No one has scored yet in the quarter until Odom breaks the silence. Odom is incredible, and JT loves his calves.

Evidently when you have great calves, you are allowed to wear double denim.
[webmaster] The best part about this one of Clay's additions is that Lamar Odom is not wearing any denim whatsoever.

- I think Brian Cook realizes he is the worst person on the Lakers. This is because he doesn't seem to be upset when he messes up. He's like, "Well, I suck anyways, but at least I'm getting paid for it. Man, I wish I didn't run like Quasimodo."

Surprisingly, Quasimodo opted out of his rookie contact to "gauge the market." Bad move...he now lives in a Paris bell tower.

- If Kwame Brown could make a layup, he would have 20 at the half. But he can't, so he doesn't. But he did have some nice dunks.

- I see Magic Johnson about two sections over. Let me rephrase that. I saw his 30 inch butterfly collar. And he looks huge.

Like this except on a large black man.

- We order some food to our seats and wait out halftime. Laker girls. They are pretty....

- Halftime: DJ's scotch count: 3. LA and Suns tied at 41.

3rd Quarter:

- Shawn Marion and Boris Diaw come out killing the Lakers, with Nash dropping dimes like a bank teller with Parkinson's. Boris Diaw is really good. But he is French and let Kwame punk him last game so he is just breaking even in my book.

- You know that dude that sits behind you and pick one person to annoyingly cheer for, solely because they like saying that player's name? I do now. Because he was sitting two rows back.

- Barbosa just hit the craziest layup I've ever seen. Something came to me at that moment. Why are most all the foreign players in the Western Conference? The Eastern Conference barely has any, or any good ones at least. Theory: Maybe because like in Europe, there is no defense in the West.

- Remember the college atmosphere I was talking about? There is a pep band in the upper deck. Pretty cool I think.

- Shawn Marion refuses to be blocked out.

- Kobe keeps getting these ticky-tack fouls and so is Marion. These refs are pretty bad, and not even consistently bad, which makes them worse.

- Kurt Rambis is an assistant for the Lakers. So is Brian Shaw. I saw Hersey Hawkins in the stands as well. Having seen five old NBA players led me to think: Could a foursome of Kurt Rambis, Magic, Kareem, and Brian Shaw beat five Hippos in a best of three series? I think this would be very interesting. Also hysterical. Anyways, beam me up scotchy...

Wait, my bad. Sorry Scotty. DJ said: Beam me up Scotchy. This one is on me.

- End of third: DJ's scotch count 5. Suns lead 67-64.

4th Quarter:

-Marion continues to carry the team, but all of a sudden Devean George catches fire. This playoff series is probably the most exciting one right now and a close second is the Bulls-Heat. Speaking of which they announced the Heat lost and everyone was cheering. Funny thing is, they would love it if Shaq came back. Some fans are stupid.

- Marion and Odom are going at it. What a battle....

- Four rows over there are like eight LA fans of Hispanic origin surrounding this one Suns fan because he started cheering and taunting after a Tim Thomas basket. This little white dude gives them all the finger. Hilarious. Except for the fact they LA fans really wanted to end his life. Some police had to come in and separate it, and well, you know who got led to the exits. I have a feeling that battle wasn't over.

- Everyone except Kobe is killing at this point. With a minute left George hits a bucket to bring the Lakers within one (86-85). Then from NOWHERE Tim Thomas hits the most clutch three pointer of his less than savory career. This marks the 361st time "Tim Thomas" and "less than savory" has been used and the 1st time "Tim Thomas" and "clutch" have been used in the same paragraph. Suns by four 89-85.

- At this point I almost committed a cardinal sin: I almost left to beat traffic assuming the Lakers would lose. My wife says,"No, let's stay. You never know what could happen." I stayed. I was f*%$ing glad.

- Diaw hits a free throw to push the Suns lead to five points, then Smush Parker hits the most random three, considering the bad game he was having to close the gap to two 87-85 with six seconds left

- Then Parker makes an amazing steal from Nash on the inbounds and perhaps making the most awkward pass of the NBA season, Brian Cook passed it to Kobe who hit a teardrop layup with absolutely ZERO angle. I have no idea how he hit it. .7 seconds left, game tied at 90.

- My wife again scolds me for my request for a premature exit. I gracefully acquiesce. I see people streaking back to their seats who had previously left. This has to be an ushers nightmare. The 87,000 year old man appears near death. Every fan looks frazzled, ticket stubs were flying everywhere. I half expected the Suns fan who was heckled earlier to have a shiv stuck in his neck in the delirious confusion. To my dismay it was not to be, but he was being lambasted by the LA fans around him and to this he gives the double finger, and he was quickly escorted out. The balls on this chap. Awesome.

Overtime:

- Overtime began like a video game. Tim Thomas, again, hits a three. Kobe free throws. Then a Diaw dunk. The worst thing has happened to the Suns: Tim Thomas is now "feeling it" and stinks up the joint allowing the Lakers to get the score to 95-95 with about 1 minute left with two free throws from Odom. Man, he is carrying them.

- Speaking of feeling it, the scotch just put me in a figure four leg lock, but I ain't tapping out anytime soon baby....

- With 50 seconds Nash single-handedly silences the LA faithful with a massive three. It was actually painful to watch. Once again I was thinking game over.

- Then Kobe hits a layup with like 11 seconds left. They just let him go pretty much. LA down by one 98-97.

- Nash dribbles up the court and assumes they will foul him so he doesn't pass because he wants to shoot the free throws. Walton ties him up and it's a jump ball. All he had to do was pass it. Six seconds left...98-97 Suns.

- Walton barely beats Nash on the jump ball. How embarrassing would that have been? It trickles out to Kobe with five seconds...

Luke Walton and Steve Nash in the worst jump ball in league history.

- Kobe takes it right across to the elbow Raja Bell and Diaw jump to contest it. Kobe elevates, taking aim at the basket. Nothing but net. In both of their faces. He poses midcourt and gives the MJ/Tiger/TJones/Kobe single fist pump and holds it, all five digits firmly clenched, as if the heart of the Suns franchise were embedded in his sanctimoniously pulsating palm. In one fell swoop, he gutted every man on the opposing sideline like a fish, leaving them thrashing about in their own steaming entrails, gasping for air that may not ever come.

The fans went absolutely apeshit. People stormed the floor like they just won the championship. It is as if the Laker dynasty is rebuilding, and this time not from a mountain of talent, but around heart, guts, and selfless teamwork. This is a fantastic basketball environment. It reminded me of a college sporting event. People chanting, kids having fun. There weren't that many stodgy business types or old people killing anyone's buzz. Everyone cheered as one and it was awesome. This was by leaps and bounds the best game and the most memorable game I have ever seen. And to think, if it weren't for my wife, I would have missed it. Never, ever leave a sporting event early.

Kobe Bryant never leaves anything early anymore.

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