 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
The Hollywood NFL Draft
05/16/06
by JT
With the hype of the NFL Draft finally dying down and projections of the 2007 draft already hitting espn.com, I finally had a chance to read up on all of the Denver Broncos draft picks and University of Colorado players selected in this year's draft. I have one response to all the player analysis I have read.... What the hell are these people talking about!?! Now, I'm sure that these "draft experts" have done extensive film-work on all the players involved and no doubt are experts in their field. I just don't understand the verbage involved with this whole draft rating system. With terms like, "top-end speed," "strength at POA," and "fluid hips" to go along with wingspan length, hand-size, and standing long jump distances, these people could just as easily be describing different breeds at the Westminster Dog Show and I wouldn't know the difference. Whatever happened to rating players based on their on field performance? Looking at things like statistics and wins? So I started wondering what it would look like if one of these "experts" rated other people for the NFL Draft. Perhaps some of our most famous entertainers....
Adam Sandler, QB -
Showed great leadership abilities in the movie remake of The Longest Yard. Able to make plays when the pocket breaks down. Showed a great mental grasp for the game as he both played QB and coached against the Guards in the movie. A multi-sport athlete, also won a PGA tournament, recorded 20 sacks in a single college game, and set a hockey record for trying to stab a man with his skate. However, he lacks ideal height and overall size. Is erratic as a passer. Needs to improve his mechanics. His release point varies too much, and he has poor footwork. He doesn't show great touch or timing. He lacks ideal height and has some trouble seeing the entire field from within the pocket. Once played the son of the Devil.
Comparable player - Gus Frerotte, Jeff Hostetler
Adam Sandler - Prototype QB?
Mel Gibson, S -
Has good top-end speed and an incredibly high pain threshold. Will play through nearly any injury including shoulder dislocations, severe beatings, and arrows to the chest. Incredibe leadership qualities, helped lead the American Revolution as well as lead the Scottish to their freedom from England. Has the ability to step up and deliver vicious hits in run support, but has tendency to bite on playaction and can be a liability in pass coverage. Many feel his history of injuries, as well as questions about his sanity will cause him to fall to the 2nd or 3rd round.
Comparable Player - John Lynch, Jason Sehorn
Mel Gibson impressed in the agility course
Shakira, CB -
Has very fluid hips... very, very fluid hips. Perhaps the most fluid hips in
the history of the draft. By all accounts fluid hips are crucial at her position
and this will result in her being a fantastic lockdown corner and allow her
to be a special teams factor in the kick return game. On the downside at roughly
4'8" and 90 lbs. and of the female gender she is not ideal size or sex
for a football player.
Comparable Player - Pac Man Jones, Dre Bly
Shakira's "fluid hips" make her an ideal corner
Tom Cruise WR/KR -
Excellent top-end speed, one scout had him clocked a 1.7 seconds in the 40 as he apparently outran a rocket launcher. Lacks height and bulk which results in him being overmatched at POA. However, outstanding athletic ability, along with specially designed 5" platform cleats will help answer any questions about his size. Has experience in pressure situations and ability to read situations (has history as a fighter pilot and secret agent). Originally thought of as a potential #1 overall pick, however recent questions about his character have caused his stock to plummet. Expect a team to take a chance on him in the mid to late first round.
Comparable Player: Tim Dwight, Santana Moss
Tom Cruise impresses scouts with his verticle and 40 time at the Hollywood combine.
Jack Bauer, QB -
Heady, fearless, take control type of leader. Excellent at reading defensive schemes and shows suberb poise under pressure. Lacks adequate zip on deep routes, but has impeccable accuracy. Ability to make the quick read and execute the correct pass in any situation. Cannot be rattled under pressure. Tremendous ability to make something happen when the pocket / play breakdown. Performs best in the clutch with the gameclock ticking down. Has some temper problems and had a drug problem in Season 3, but don't expect this to effect his draft status.
Comparable Player - Doug Flutie, Steve Young
Jack Bauer audibles against a blitz.
The Rock, LB -
Plays the game with great intensity, toughness and swagger. Plays with a mean streak, and as he showed in the movie Be Cool, he has decent hip fluidity. His pursuit angles are outstanding. Will take runners head on or with a 2x4. He shows good closing burst to the ball carrier and is a powerful tackler that can abuse runners with both his devastating hits or vicious rhetoric. Can be extremely disruptive when turned loose upfield, or when ranting about opposing players "candy asses." Shows good initial quickness and burst to the quarterback as a pass rusher. Will struggle to match up against elite receivers at the RB position in the NFL. Some question his age as he led armies in ancient Egypt as the Scorpion King. Will fill hard but doesn't always match up in the phone booth. Has somewhat of a narrow base and will get washed out by bigger iso-blockers at the POA. Considered by many the best prospect in the Entertainer Draft.
Comparable to - Brian Urlacher, Al Wilson
The Rock holds his personal workouts in his accountant Jake's backyard.
Chris Farley, OG -
Weight fluctuation has been an issue throughout his career. This issue has resulted in a varied Farley range from vastly overweight to merely obese. Conditioning and stamina will always be concerns. His motor runs hot-and-cold. Is nimble on his feet for a man his size and has been trained poorly as a Ninja. The fact that he considers falling down to be extremely funny hurts him during play. He lacks ideal athleticism and has marginal speed. Does have the ability to motivate teammates with his "van down by the river" routine. Has some trouble getting to the POA in time on pulls and traps. The fact that he has been dead for several years will cause most teams to shy away from him.
Comparable to - John Kruk, Patrick Swayze
Chris Farley shows off his physique for NFL scouts.
_______________________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.