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Clippers v. Nuggets Game 4 Diary
05/02/06
by JT

I am a huge Denver Nuggets fan, and this has pretty much been the bane of my existence since childhood. Trust me there has been nothing more frustrating in my life then loving a team who apparently doesn't love themselves (I saw Dr. Phil recently on Scary Movie 4, it looks like something rubbed off). This is a franchise that has consistently been the worst team in basketball since I can remember. It's not just that they have been bad on the court, they have been cockteases. Consistently building the team from nothing to a young team on the verge of greatness only to tear them apart. Then something spectacular happened to my Nuggets a few years back. After finishing with the worst record in 2002 we were the front-runners in the Lebron Lottery, only to end up with the third pick in a crushing Lottery selection show. No Lebron, no Carmelo. Then amazingly Joe Dumars, apparently in the midst of a coke bender, chose Darko Milicic over Carmelo Anthony and a gift was blessed to Nuggets fans worldwide. I think there were about 11 of us at the time. Fast forward to present day and the Nuggets, lead by Carmelo, won their first Division Title since the mid 80's and there is no way I am missing the playoffs. Calling in some favors I score 10th row tix to Thursday night's victory, which was perhaps the most boring playoff game in the history of basketball. For Saturday nights game I came up with seats in the luxory suite next to Stan Kroenke, the Nuggets owner, and a VIP parking pass. This was going to be a great night.

- We get to the game at about 7pm for the 8:30 MST tipoff. Knowing we will be in a luxury suite we want to make certain we partake in all it has to offer. Gorging myself on the finest eats the Pepsi Center has to offer and all of the free booze I can handle. To say I was fired up is a dramatic understatement. They hand out thundersticks on the way in, and upon opening mine I find one of them has a leak. This can't be a good sign so I shotgun my first beer quickly.

- I know I talk about him a lot but Chris Kaman is absolutely spectacular in person. He looks like a mix between Sasquatch and Beetlejuice. Every time I look at him he brightens up my day, bringing a big smile to my face. Christ is he ugly.

The big game staple - The Thunderstick

- Speaking of smiles, I strongly believe that every time Sam Cassell smiles a small blind child dies. Seriously I don't think there is an uglier person on the planet... but then I look at Chris Kaman and I'm not so sure. I really can't decide who is uglier and this quandary follows me the entire night. I'm still unsure about it.

- Watching Vladimir Radmonovic warm up is a sight to behold. He must shoot about 95% in warmups. I swear I saw him make about 27 consecutive threes before finally missing, and when he did he was so pissed he stormed to the bench. I don't think this bodes well for the Nuggets. They better keep a hand in his face or put some Vodka in his gatorade bottle or something.

- The game gets ready to start and some hillbilly dude with a banjo sings the National Anthem. The stadium is dead silent. I swear I don't understand why they keep trying to merge country music and basketball. I don't think you're going to see The Game kicking off any Nascar races anytime soon. This is a huge buzzkill for the fans in attendance.

- Shortly after my 4th beer they get ready to announce the Nuggets starting lineup, the lights shut down and that song "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve blows up the arena. This has to be the most underrated game song in existence. I am so fired up I am beating my one remaining thunderstick over some poor guys head in front of me. And when I say poor I mean "poor" as I was sitting in a Luxury Box and he was just in regular seats. HA HA HA HA!!! Poor people....

- Thank Christ that Dick Bavetta isn't one of the referees for this game. He was here Thursday and single-handedly took the game over. There were about 61 fouls called during the game and it lasted over 3 and a half hours. One fan commented that Bavetta resembled a "chemo patient gone bad"... wow. Without him here we just cut an hour out of the game.

Dick Bavetta and Sam Cassell work on extending the length of a game

- Sam Cassell is awesome. He never stops talking and genuinely loves playing the game. The first time he touches the ball the crowd boos him mercilessly and a huge smile spreads across his face. He then calmly dimes Elton Brand for an easy two.

- The Nuggets are the only team in the league without a player who can consistently hit a 3. The Clippers know this so they send 2 and 3 defenders at Carmelo on every possession knowing that no one else can score. The Clippers on the other hand have an entire team of shooters. This is a terrible matchup for the Nuggets and I am starting to get the feeling that we are completely overmatched.

- Sean Livingston is just nasty. If this guy can stay healthy he will be a star. And Cory Maggette might be the most ripped human I have ever seen in my life. Unlike Clay, I bet he can leg press more than 410 lbs.

- I know people love Earl Boykins because he is only 5'5", but he is the worst player in the league who actually gets playing time. He has a shots per minute average that rivals Kobe Bryant and is an absolute sieve on defense. I swear every time he checks in the game Cassell and Livingston start masturbating at the thought of scoring in droves on him. Quinton Ross was screaming at people to get him the ball while Boykins was on him.... Quinton Ross. We are down big at the half.

Shortly after masturbating, Gilbert Arenas goes directly around Earl Boykins for a layup

- During halftime I go to meet a former teammate of mine from CU down in the tunnel. I am not sure if this is normal in most stadiums, but the Pepsi Center has an actual club inside the tunnel of the stadium. And I mean it just opens up right to the tunnel so everyone stands around resulting in me having to do the "crowded club walk" while at a basketball game. I would have been mad if it weren't for all the hot scantily clad women in the area.

- The second half is worst than the first. Our defense is shutting down the Clippers but with Carmelo getting triple teamed and no one else able to make a basket, we can't make up any ground. Carmelo is starting to get frustrated.

- Sitting next to the owners box is a trip. The box is basically empty save for about 6 or 7 people and the owner of the team is only 10 feet from you so you can just yell whatever you want at him. And after several beers during an ass-whooping I have quite a bit I'd like to get off my chest. For those of you out there who don't know who Stan Kroenke is, he is an heir to the Walmart fortune and owns several pro franchises. I mention to a friend that Kroenke's daughters look similar to a Wal-Mart... cheap and like a lot of white trash dudes have been inside them. One of the daughters looks like she could buy two of my cars with her watch.

- The game has become an absolute embarrassment. Despite the growing gap on the scoreboard George Karl decides that resting Carmelo Anthony for several minutes is a good idea. My friend Angelo has a different opinion and lets the entire crowd know about it. George Karl may not have been able to hear him, but Stan Kroenke sure as shit did.

- The crowd is leaving early and the remaining fans are booing and destroying their thundersticks. In the box next to me Stan Kroenke is looking at a box score and crossing names off the team... seriously.... This can't be a good sign for several of our players.

Nuggets owner Stan Kroenke was literally firing people during the game

- We stick it out to the end of a thoroughly humiliating 100-86 loss. I guess I won't have to find tickets for game 6, but at least I decided on my next ringtone for my cell. I'm going with "Eye of the Tiger" and I'm pretty happy with my decision.

After a debilitating loss such as this one, we do the only thing you can do to lift your spirits again. We decide to hit the cathouse. We choose a nice little joint called "Shotgun Willies", mainly because it is $7 beer night there. While there I witness two of the most fantastic strippers I have ever seen in my life... and that is saying something my friends. They are difficult to describe with words but one had some of the hugest fake boobs I have ever seen mixed with a porn stars sense of shame, and the other was a naughty cowgirl with a proclivity to slapping her own ass and thighs... hard. I should note that the last time I frequented this particular gentlemen's club, stripper bit my nipple so hard it left a bruise of a bitemark on my chest. Try explaining that one to your girlfriend. This is one of the only situations ever where saying "a stripper did it to me" is your best option.

All in all, what could have been an amazing night almost sucked. The Nuggets bombed both their chances in this series, and the hopes of their fans with another disapointment. After nearly 20 years we are used to it. But the night was saved by that beacon of light when all darkness seems to surround you. The place where everyone knows your name... or at least the fake name you tell them.... the Strip Club. Are there any of life's problems that this miracle of humanity cannot cure?

The cure for any of life's hardships

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