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The Future Westernization of the Middle East
04/03/06
by JT
My mind has been wandering lately, casually observing the eccentricities involved in the world in which we live, and that can be a dangerous yet very entertaining process…. At least for me. Allow me to let you, the DH faithful, to be involved in what has been swimming around in my remaining brain cells lately.
As we continue to “win” the war in Iraq, bringing democracy to that poor savage land, I can’t help but wonder what will happen in the days and years ahead. It appears as though we have an intrinsic game-plan in store for the poor souls whom once inhabited this dreadful abyss. I believe that game-plan is to make the Middle East more Western… More Hollywood. I’m talking stripmalls, super highways, a Taco Bell, Wal-mart or 7-11 on every street corner, and at least a 24-plex movie theater on every other highway exit showing the latest Ben Stiller comedy in which his balls get brutally injured in some new and fantastic manner.
Even in the Middle East; Ben Stiller + testicle injury = Box office gold
I’ve got to be honest with you though (and you know I couldn’t lie to you. Not you, our loyal DH-sters) I truly don’t believe that our culture will completely overtake the thousands of years of Middle Eastern tradition and simply supplant itself in its place. No, I believe we will see some sort of wondrous hybrid. We will see American super corporations and Hollywood ideals coalesce themselves into some fascinating new products and entities in Iraq, and it will slowly spread across the entire Middle East. Either that, or the Marketing Executives whom first approach the many different warlords with these ideas will be summarily beheaded on Al Jazeera and things will stay exactly the way they are. But here are a few of the wondrous new West meets East products and people that I believe may arise in the coming decade*.
1.) The introduction of the first hybrid car in the Middle East; the Ford Camel.
Marketing wizards will eat this one up. It is a hybrid car so it will last an extremely expansive amount of miles on a single tank of gas. In comparison, a camel is an animal common to the Middle East that can walk across vast deserts on a single drink of water. The similarities are uncanny. Additionally, it is a known fact that all Middle Easterners traveled the land on the back of camels until they were recently liberated. At least that is what we believe here in the States. And I’m about 98% sure that is in fact true. Kind of like how people in LA think everyone else in the West still travels on horse and buggy to get to their local farmers market to barter for goods and services. This car will single handedly bring Ford back as a major player in the car industry as Sean Penn will become the spokesman on all of the Ford Camel commercials. And he will remain adamantly serious.
“Now that you have been liberated you should all drive Hybrid cars… Make jokes
about that, Chris Rock!”
A google search of Ford Camel brought up this picture
2.) Two words: Gay Terrorists.
As proven by this year’s breakout Hollywood hit Brokeback Mountain, nothing is sacred from the recent gayety of America. Not the traditional strong American Cowboy, not the Mafia hitman (see James Gandolfini in The Mexican), so certainly terrorists will not be able to steer clear of this recent homosexual phenomenon. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with anyone being gay whatsoever, but something about a gay terrorist just strikes me as extraordinarily hilarious. I can picture them running up to a Carhartt outlet in Tikrit in their pink turbans screaming “GOD IS FABULOUS!!!” and limp-wristedly slapping the person working the counter… and then blowing it up with a car bomb in their Subaru Forester. And instead of taking hostages they will take “fashion hostages”. For example, a man wearing a red and black plaid hunting jacket, or someone in a traditional black Islamic robe. Forcing them to wear something with a bit of flair and color, and then cutting their head off on television.
A gay terrorist attempts to suicide bomb a sports bar
3.) Speaking of clothing. I believe it is just a matter of time before Nike, Sean John, and other clothing lines begin putting their logos on traditional Arab garb. Here are a few examples of what I see:
Under Armour or Nike dri-fit turbans – Think about it. It is extremely hot in the Middle Eastern desert, and everyone wears turbans. The first to come up with a turban that can move the sweat away from the head and keep the body cool will win this highly competitive market. Since it seems as though a turban is an extremely long piece of fabric, I believe they will be littered with emblems so that others can see exactly what brand of turban someone is wearing no matter what angle they are approaching.
Polo, Sean Jean, and Tommy robes – This will be a fiercely competitive market. Each will be attempting to design a hipper robe that will appeal to the highly coveted 16-25 age group. You want to try to land those younger Islam fanatics that will be the future suicide bombers that the youth look up to. Everyone needs spokesmodels that will bring in the younger market.
Nike and Adidas sandals – There are so many different directions you can go here. Nike air sandals, something like this can improve both your comfort and your vertical leap. Gel Sandals, these will be comfortable on your arches for long treks to Mecca. I’m sure after some time other shoe companies like Converse, Reebok, and maybe even high end shoe lines like Kenneth Cole and LaCoste will try to get involved, but who wants to spend a million denar on a pair of Sandals? Not me. And most likely not your average Iraqi either.
The latest turbans from Tommy and Sean Jean
4.) Suicide bomber court cases.
I can see it now, suicide bomber lawyers pleading insanity in court (no offense to the lawyers on our DH staff). Granted, if a suicide bomber succeeds in his/her mission then they won’t have any type of court case at all, mainly because they will be dead, so let’s look at another possible lawsuit:
Suicide bombers suing bomb manufacturers when the bombs fail to kill them - We all know how it is here. Everyone is looking for an easy buck. If you accidentally spill hot coffee on yourself resulting in an uncomfortable burn, someone has to pay for your own stupidity right? The same can apply to these dotards. They wanted to kill themselves as well as several dozen others, and because of your companies shoddy work in assembling said bombs, they weren’t able to achieve their crazy ass ambitions. Who is going to be responsible of these people being robbed of their promised virgins in the afterlife? You? Me? No. But maybe Alliant Techsystems.
5.) Picture this:
This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World! Baghdad!
How will Mohammed’s roommates execute him when he lets them in on his dark secret… that he is gay?
Will Samira get so drunk again that she takes off her headdress in the hot tub?
How will the housemates handle their new job in Baghdad’s most popular discotheque, the Moulin Rouge?
Will Jenny’s eating disorder tear apart the house, and will she and Azeem ever finally hook up?
Find out the answers to all these questions and more this season on; The Real World! Baghdad!
I actually can’t wait for all of this to come to fruition. There are so many other possibilities and all of them are hilarious. Things like Middle Eastern romantic comedies, The Parade of Huts in the newest suburbs, Iraqi’s celebrating St. Patty’s Day, CSI – Mosul, the rise of Terrorist Rap in music, the first showing of “Rent” and the riots that ensue… it will be absolutely incredible. Now we just need these stubborn Iraqi’s to stop fighting to “save their culture” and start using their credit cards. They can get double the miles when they use their new Mastercards at the Outback Kabob House, or the new Sears that just opened in Basrah.
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