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Rants, Raves, and Ruminations 7
04/19/06
by DJ

This is my first stateside RRR since leaving the coldest place I've ever been. When you leave for months at a time you realize things have changed... a lot. When I got back I actually took a 2 week cross country road trip from Indiana to California and all stops in between. It was awesome and gave me time to think about things and get my thoughts in order as well as see the country I hold so dear. But most of all and more importantly, it gave me a chance to get wasted and pee outside in every time zone in seven cities. So here are some thoughts on what I have been thinking about when I decide to think about thinking about stuff (that was The Baron's contribution for this installment.... )

Rants:

1. I believe Vince Vaughn's body of work (besides Jennifer Aniston) is pretty damn good and he isn't given enough credit for it. This is because he runs with a select group of Hollywood funny-as-shit guys commonly know as the Frat Pack, whose charter members include The Wilson brothers, Ben Stiller, and Will Ferrell. While these films are pretty funny and are classics, he separates himself from all the others (except maybe Luke Wilson) by actually excelling in other genres of film. While he may now be type-cast as the tall, bitter, sarcastic one, he used to be pretty versatile. From Swingers to the highly underrated sequel Made he show some serious chops. Let's not forget he was in a couple 21 Jump Street episodes and Rudy. Also Sex In the City, SNL, and another underrated movie Be Cool. I could go one but I think you get the point. So would this make him the founding father of the Frat Pack? Let's just hope the new generation will be as funny as him. My vote for the next Vince Vaughn is Ryan Reynolds....

2. What's the baby rush? All of Hollywood is pregnant. There are a whole ass load of pregnant actresses out there. These kids will be set for life, so I have to make fun of them now. Taking into consideration how they like to name their kids weird ass names like Apple and Moses, I will volunteer some names that are sure to get their kids asses kicked if they ever went to public school: Ephus, Orpheus (pretty much any name ending in the "fuss" sound), Fallopia, Kimble, Pharoah, any number besides Seven or Skillion, Brent, Petri, Dewey (unless his middle name is Decimal), Marble, or anything that rhymes with something gross, including the word gross.

3. So NoTORIous - This is the assest show. Pure assery. I loved VH1 (thought I'd never say that 3 years ago) until this one. It's just so stupid. She is such a bad actress she can't even make a parody or her own life and make it funny. And Christ almighty somehow she get uglier every year. And apparently stupider.

Raves:

1. You know those FSU chicks that got famous for just being excruciatingly hot during a FSU football game? I saw a Maxim spread of those chicks, and several online ones. They are bad. I mean really sick. A smart beer company would pick them up and use them in ads. I would include a picture of them, but I refuse to give them anymore free publicity pics. This led me to think: What else could these chicks by just being hot? Some ideas:

a) A free car - If I sold cars, I would. If I got fired, they could give me a ride home.

b) Tracy McGrady - This seems random, but he might have to retire because of his back. Time to invest in your future Trace...

c) A minor league ballpark named after them in some Midwestern state - That way hundreds of dudes can say, "Yeah, I been inside her. It only cost $7.50!"

d) A reality TV show called "Punchy" where they walk by guys in public and if they don't stare or gawk they get punched by Dolph Lundgren, on Bravo, of course.

e) The cover and any free speck of space in our book Maniquette.

2. Dane Cook. This dude is blowing up. His stand-up acts are hilarious plus he can act. I think he has the most downloads this past year if I'm not mistaken. He has this weird shocker-esque thing he does with his fingers too. And he is possibly dating Jessica Simpson and he was dating some chick from some bad band in LA named Raquel Houghton. But she is hot. Have you ever known any chick named Raquel that's not? Let me know... Here is his website.

Ruminations:

1. Just one this time... I think April has the most holidays according to what's printed on a calendar than any other month. At last count there were ten. Some of them are just plain silly. Like April 17 is "Family Day". Shouldn't that be everyday? What if you are an orphan? This holiday is familially biased and should be eradicated. Then you have Earth Day on the 22nd. Isn't that a pagan holiday? Maybe the 23rd should be Sun or Mars day. Then the all important "Administrative Professionals Day" on the 27th. What the hell do you even celebrate? I guess you just put cardboard cutouts of lawyers and accountants in your front yard and maybe string up some lights or business cards around them. I want to know who makes these things up. We should inform them we should have a DH Day on let's say....Jan 34th. That's random enough. If I can make up a holiday I should be able to add extra days to replace the shitty holidays already in existence.

Well that's all folks. Feel free to post any other thoughts this column may have drummed up in your head. And by all means, look out for Maniqette. Oh and if anyone can get a hold of those FSU chicks, firstly don't let go, secondly tell them they can pose for our book. There will be a big' ol' shiny Susie B. in it for you....actually a hundred if you can convince them to pose for us and they directly tell us it was because of you. For serious. You know how to reach us...

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