 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
NBA's 2005-2006 Most Awesome Hair Teams
04/27/06
by JT
It's that time of year again. As we approach the awarding of various All-NBA teams and awards (1st, 2nd and 3rd team All-NBA, MVP, comeback player of the year, etc.) I like to look at some of the folks in the NBA who have made it so much fun to watch this season, but don't necessarily get the recognition they deserve. You may recall last season I presented my NBA All-Ugly teams, and most of you roared in laughter and approval. There were others of you out there (who are obviously assholes) whom thought that the article was too negative and thought that we here at Deadly Hippos should write something positive or don't write anything at all (most of these people lived in the Virgin Islands). So this season I came up with an awards team that is a bit more positive. I give you the 2005-2006 Deadly Hippos NBA's Most Awesome Hair Teams.
1ST TEAM
Josh Childress -
I believe in two things when it comes to awarding someone with the prestigious honor of being on the Most Awesome Hair 1st team; 1.) You should have hair that you could wear to a Halloween party and bring the house down, and 2.) A well-groomed afro is a sure fire way to land yourself on the team. Josh Childress easily qualifies in both of these categories. If you haven't seen the skinny, babyfaced kid from Stanford play a game for the Hawks this season.... well... you probably aren't alone. But it is truly a site to behold when his 6" perfectly groomed afro is roaming the 3 point arch looking to jack up another shot. This has to be the biggest most aggressive afro worn publicly since Foxy Brown was jackin' up suckas in the 70's telling them "I've got my blackbelt in barstools!" His hair can also come in handy in a pinch when someone takes the loofah out of the locker room showers.
Josh Childress often beats honkeys off the dribble
Foxy Brown often tells "pink ass corupt honkey judges" to "get their wet noodles out of there"
Anderson Varejoa -
Anderson figured out another surefire way to land on the Most Awesome Hair Team, and that is to try to look as close as possible to Sideshow Bob, and Anderson is as close as I have seen to Sideshow Bob in the history of the NBA. Unlike the real Sideshow Bob, Varejoa doesn't mind playing second fiddle (in his case to Lebron James). This is most likely due to the fact that Varejoa is not very good at basketball. That said, he most likely gets a ton of fine Brazilian ass when he heads home every summer. Money has a way of making even sideshow's more attractive. In a personal sidenote, I am a huge Anderson Varejoa fan and not only because of his hair. I love it when a dudes first name is a last name, and his last name is something no one outside his native country can actually pronounce. Thats just how I roll.
Although their hair is similar, Verejoa's whimpering yelp is no match for Bob's
maniacal laugh
Chris Kaman -
It has been well documented on our site that I am a huge Chris Kaman fan. If you haven't seen him play live or on TV then you really are missing out on one of the more entertaining events in sports today. I don't really know how to describe it. It's one of those things that is just so ugly that it is beautiful. It's like watching a neanderthal with about two dozen wet spaghetti noodles replacing his hair and a DJ-esque 4 day shadow beard. Simply amazing. Plus he gets bonus points for trying to grow his hair out to look like David Spade.
Note to Chris Kaman - If you want to get chicks DO NOT try to look like David
Spade
Scot Pollard -
Pollard is a rare breed. He consistently lands on the Most Awesome Hair teams year after year despite consistently changing his hairstyle season after season. He is a veritable chamelean of awesome hair. Whether it was his Joe Dirt faze in Sacramento or his recent Jesus Christ / Johnny Damon faze in Indiana, the only sure thing about Scot Pollard is that no matter what his hair looks like, you can be sure that it is awesome.
Surprisingly, David Spade is the most often immitated celebrity in the NBA
Pollard may have been able to duplicate the look, but he was never able to duplicate
either Damon or Christ's all-star numbers.
Ben Wallace -
No NBA Most Awesome Hair team can be considered legitimate without including Ben Wallace. Big Ben is one of those guys that will have a spot on this team for as long as he decides to stay in the league. His wild and untamed afro has been celebrated league wide since he joined the Pistons back in 2000. Strangely enough, his success can be directly linked to his aftro. Pre-Pistons and pre-afro he never averaged more than 8.3 rebounds per game. Following the birth of the 'fro in 2000... 13 + rebounds per game. Coincidence? I think not. Awesome? I think so.
Big Ben and his hair are undoubtably awesome
2ND TEAM -
Etan Thomas -
Etan is a relative unknown in most basketball circles, but as evidenced by his two foot dreadlocks, he is must be extremely well known in most marijuana and bongo circles. He spends the off-seasons making hemp bracelets while following Ziggy and Stephen Marley tours across the country and picking the leaves out of his dreads after waking up in a peaceful meadow after a weed induced powernap.
Thomas ponders the lyrics of the Bob Marley song "Three Little Birds"
while preparing to sit the bench
Carmelo Anthony -
Carmelo is rapidly approaching the John Elway level of legend status in Denver. With seven buzzer beaters since January 1st and 11 game winners since he joined the Nuggets three seasons ago, he is quickly becoming an icon in Denver. In addition to this, his hair is totally awesome. Well it is awesome if he was actually a female rapper and not an NBA basketball star. Nonetheless, awesome hair is awesome hair. Even if it is a chick's hair on a dude's head. Carmelo gets a spot on the team.
After games, Carmelo and Da Brat often converse on the phone sharing haircare
tips
Dirk Nowitzki -
The German Wunderkind has had consistently awesome hair throughout his career. He learned a valuable lesson after shaving his head for the playoffs a couple of years ago and having to face the consequences of an early exit as the result of this one moment of irresponsibility. His team has never forgiven him. Since then Dirk has been growing more and more shaggy and is now nearing the level of The Dude from The Big Lebowski. And there is nothing... and I mean NOTHING my friends, that is more awesome that The Dude.
"The Spurs aggression will not stand, man"
Danny Fortson -
Danny Fortson's hair does many things for him, with the most important being facilitating the possibility of him playing in the WNBA should the need arise. Which is to say that his hair looks like it belongs on a woman. However, I imagine if you told this to Danny he would beat you to within an inch of your life and then punch your mother in the throat directly in front of you. Being from the 'Nati, Danny comes from a long line of uncontrollable tempers, following in the footsteps of such legendary a-holes as Nick Van Exel, Kenyon Martin, Ruben Patterson, etc. But say what you will about his temperment, it doesn't matter because his hair is totally awesome.
Do you want to tell him he has a girls hairstyle? I don't either, so it is awesome
Brian Scalabrine -
No awesome hair team could be complete with out a bonafied ginger hair permed, pale skinned crotch fire. In fact, this may be the only reason Brian Scalabrine is a member of the Association. I don't know what else he brings to the table. It can't be his scoring (he's never averaged more than 6 ppg), it can't be his rebounding (he's never had more than 4 rpg in a season) and it definitely isn't is shooting touch (his career best shooting percentage is a whopping 40.2%) so it has to be the auburn hair that keeps him in the league. It's definitely the auburn hair that gets him on the Most Awesome Hair 2nd team. Plus he gets bunus points for his incredible likeness to Michael Rappaport.
Outside of their awesome ginger hair, neither Scalabrine or Rappaport have done
much with their careers.
MOST IMPROVED -
Pau Gasol -
This was the easiest call of the season. Pau Gasol reininvented himself this year and brought his game to a whole new level. Finding strength he never knew he could possess in both his longer hair and his beard (I mentioned his beard in my BSR article earlier this year) he both made an appearance in his first all-star game and lead the Grizzlies to another playoff appearance. Neither of these accomplishments were nearly as awesome as his hair though, and considering his clean cut image before the season, Pau was an easy choice for the NBA's Most Improved Awesome Hair Award.
Others receiving votes - Steve Nash, Mikki Moore, Brian Cardinal, Ronnie Turiaf, Moochie Norris.
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.