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The Jeopardy! challenge, or Can Jeopardy! hope
to contain me?
04/05/06
by Clay
For three days last week on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, the game show Jeopardy! hosted their first online contestant qualifying test. In addition to serving as a contestant gathering mechanism, the online test also doubled as a reunion of sorts for every person on earth who used to have their lunch money taken as a child.
Now that I can watch Jeopardy! in 14 minutes with my DVR, I have become quite a fan of the show. Of course, I skip over all the contestant introductions and every bit of activity that doesn't involve clues being read, which means I miss about five minutes of awkward banter a day.
This probably disappoints the people at the show because if you haven't been watching Jeopardy! lately, this is what you have missed: The show has become hip ... well, hip for Jeopardy!. In the process, they have probably attracted a smattering of younger viewers like myself. But we have completely counteracted their new youth base by fast-forwarding through all the commercials. I believe this qualifies as irony.
Jeopardy! has become hip by incorporating video clues and having celebrities read questions about themselves. In the process, the show has advanced in one gigantic technological leap forward from about 1948 to roughly 1976. The show also has something called "The Clue Crew" which consist of two late thirty-somethings, a blond-haired white woman and a black-haired black woman, who travel across the country and specialize in awkward enunciation.
I believe "The Clue Crew" is Jeopardy! code for "Hot Babes." Combined, the two women are about half as attractive as sideline reporter Erin Andrews is by herself. Each clue finds the Jeopardy! babes engaged in some activity and my favorite part is for a fraction of a second, they always act as if they were enjoying wherever they were (for example, Red Square) and forgotten the cameras were with them. They then flash back into Jeopardy! mode and deliver the clue.
So far, the best celebrity guest has been Evander Holyfield -- primarily because until he appeared on the show, I did not believe Holyfield could read. Having been seduced by the newfangled and remade show, I had to sign up and take the online test. Here are ten things taking the Jeopardy test taught me:
1. Don't tell any of your friends you are taking the Jeopardy! test. They will ridicule you mercilessly. Some of those taunts will take the form of a question and will be all the more painful because you will have nothing to respond in kind with.
2. Conversely, your mom will be very excited and proud. She will say something like, "When will you be on?" which will conveniently skip about 19 Jeopardy! qualifying steps. However, this is better than what my mother-in-law would say which is, "You know you have to pay taxes on that."
3. You probably aren't smart enough to be on Jeopardy!. One of the clues that you might not be smart enough is when you can't figure out how to take the test. The test is described as 50 questions lasting "approximately 10 minutes" with "15 seconds" allowed per each question. Of course, when I did the math, I got 12 ½ minutes for the test length. Is 12 ½ minutes "approximately 10 minutes" or should I rush ahead to make sure I finish? This sounds like a metaphysical mystery and the answer appears nowhere on the site. Somehow, I feel like Alex Trebek has failed me.
4. Don't rely on Comcast. Have you ever met anyone who said something like, "Man, Comcast is perfect. I never have any problems." The answer is no, because this person does not exist. When I ordered digital cable, some guy showed up in jean shorts and a ripped T-shirt without the digital cable box. I thought he was the pizza man. When asked about the digital cable box, he said, "We're out," and left. I was scheduled to take the test in the Central time zone. Of course, when I sat down at my computer, the Internet was not working. Later, my wife called and got Comcast to come out and repair the problem. Because I was too embarrassed for her to say I missed the Jeopardy! contestant test, she said, "My husband missed a very important business meeting." I'm very mature.
5. Don't try and order Chili's takeout while driving to Kinko's even if your wife will be really upset if you forget to order after promising to remember. Admittedly, this has limited applicability for future events. By the way, Kinko's still charges .20 a minute for Internet access. Am I living in Moldova? This has to be the highest profit margin on earth. Predictably, the computer at Kinko's does not have Flash installed and hence cannot be utilized for the Jeopardy! test.
6. When your Internet connection is down embark upon a panic-stricken search for Internet access, don't rely on one of your friends who steals a wireless Internet signal from one of his neighbors. This is doubly so when your friend, who will remain nameless, confidently selects a wireless network and says, "The porn always comes in faster off this one."
7. No matter how much you might wish it would be so, certain founts of knowledge you possess are never going to appear as Jeopardy! categories. For instance, it is highly unlikely that Jenna Jameson, The Macho Man Randy Savage, or moments from Bring It On are ever going to lead you or I to victory. Thus, my encyclopedic knowledge on these subjects are wasted. If you are feeling optimistic, simply state afterward, "That test was biased against coolness." It will be a lie, and not even a little white one, but you have to sleep, right?
8. Even if you are a lawyer, you are probably not going to do very well on the legal questions. This will disappoint your spouse, girlfriend or parents and amuse your friends who aren't lawyers to no end. Somehow, people have the misguided notion that lawyers know things about the law. I actually wanted to type, "That depends" for the Jeopardy! legal question on my test.
9. When in doubt in Jeopardy!, answer "Thomas Paine." Someone at the show is in love with the guy. He's always an answer. Seriously, this needs to be examined. It's almost like he's come back to life and has naked photos of Jeopardy! producer Merv Griffin.
10. Once the test begins, you will never have felt dumber. For me, the worst questions are the ones I know I should know but just don't. Personally, I cope by tracing my lack of knowledge to my decision to drop advanced geometry and take regular geometry back in the ninth grade. That was the tipping point. Everything I didn't learn can be traced to this one decision. Finish advanced geometry and I'm making awkward banter with Alex Trebek and the Jeopardy! Clue Crew hotties in the post-game Jacuzzi. Instead, I'm me. It's a tough cross to bear.
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