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Charmed? I Don’t Think So….
04/06/06
by DJ

The other day I had the “privilege” to witness yet another sign of the end of American culture and society, as we know it. Something like what McCarthyism was supposed to be. I know SHAW pretty much hates everything, so I know he has to loathe this next show I am about to talk about. And no, we here at DeadlyHippos don’t hate everything, just things that deserve it. I really like that one doctor show House. See, I am not a hater. But there are things that are beyond our control. Like the show Charmed. Some one has to answer for this, and I for one want to know whom so I can jump kick him in the larynx with two cleated feet. The reason why we can’t find Osama Bin Laden has to be tied in with the reason why in the world Charmed is still on TV, because these are the only two things I can’t understand and make no sense. Somehow, someway this has to be true. I watched it the other day for the first time ever, just because it fell between Nip/Tuck and Every Body Hates Chris (which is funny and good by the way). I regretted every second of it. I don’t know how long it has been on the air, but it is by far the worst show in the history of television. The second worse show is The Chronicles: Tales From the Edge. I know you’ve never heard of it. That’s because it sucks too. But that is a conversation for another time, like when I talk about things that make me want to use an angry sea urchin for a contact lens. Now back to my original point. How long has this refuse been on the air? It’s gotta be the biggest TV joke of all time. Now these losers are rich and really think they can act and/or are funny. They are far, very far, from either. There are two reasons why this show is on TV:

1) Obviously it’s because people watch it. Enough people to keep whatever horrible network started this travesty to the social order we live, incubate, and marinate our very being alive. Since the show is all white people and it sucks, it is probably the WB. Had it been black people, it would have been UPN. Don’t get mad at me, it’s just the facts. Also, didn’t these two networks just combine? Jesus. I would rather let the strongest midget in the world use my sack as a speedbag than watch whatever creation this new collabo will spawn. JT, looks like you missed one hombre. All this to say how can this stay on the air and they cancel awesome shows? Shows like Arrested Development and Six Feet Under? So many others have befallen this fate. Charmed has absolutely no point or plot. Whatsoever. Three witches that are sisters? Where are their parents? It blows pony cock. America!! WHY!!

Not sure why, but this comes up under "pony cock"

2) Alyssa Milano’s searing hotness. Alyssa Milano must be the hottest girl in the world to carry this show. It’s the equivalent of a horrible team having one star and making the playoffs every other year, only to lose on the first round. So here we go: Alyssa Milano:Charmed as Brett Favre:Packers. Wow. My brain hurts from that one. While she is hot, her co-stars are not. Very not. In particular, the worst one is Rose McGowan. This woman had sex with Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson. This woman had SEX with MARILYN MANSON. How can any dude want to follow that? I would rather play Pick-Up-Stix with my own rib bones than even call her on the phone, much less touch her. Then there is some other chick that is completely unattractive that looks like a Gilmore Girls reject. And I think she is chubby, but I am not sure. The glare off of Frauline McGowan’s pale ass forehead blinds me at a perfect angle.

Searing.

As a side note, the episode I saw had Nick Lachey in it, and apparently he had been on a couple of shows. Now I see why Jessica Simpson left him. This is grounds for divorce any way you slice it. But he did kiss Milano in this episode, which probably means in the same week he made out with Alyssa Milano and probably banged Jessica Simpson. That’s a damn f#%^&ing good week if you ask me.

Back to my Bin Laden/Charmed theory. I think that if it holds true then by inductive reasoning Alyssa Milano knows where he is hiding. I mean we all know he is in the White House basement, but we really have no proof. We need to ask her. If you are reading this Alyssa, please hit us up through gmail, or better yet send us half (or fully) naked pictures of yourself and we will consider keeping this a secret. Our DH scientists and conspiracy theorists have found you out, and now it’s time to pay the piper. Osama if you are reading this...how tall are you really? Dude, you look like 6’5”. Would that make you a shooting guard or a small forward with mad hops? And even though the camera adds like 15 pounds, you still really need to get on some protein shakes bro. Just some advice. Do you play ball overseas like me? How much do you average? You can hit us up too or post something, but use a fake name or you might blow your cover.

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