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The Second-ever Deadly Hippos personality quiz:
Are you a complete asshole?
04/25/06
by Shaw
Warning: this column contains multiple repetitions of the word "asshole" and its derivations.
It has been a while since the first Deadly Hippos quiz, Are you self-loathing? and much has changed. Wait, nothing has changed, the world is still full of assholes. Hence, we here at Deadly Hippos have decided it is high time for the assholes to self-identify. To that end, we provide the following useful diagnostic tool for determining the level to which you could be considered an asshole. Keep track of the number of A, B, C, and D answers you get.
1. When driving, if you cut someone else off:
a. I have never cut someone else off behind the wheel before.
b. It was probably an accident. I give the other driver the "I'm sorry" wave.
c. I'm in a rush--I just keep going.
d. The road exists solely for my use. I give the other guy the finger for being in my way in the first place.
2. The reason you don't like Linkin Park, Staind, Korn, and Limp Bizkit is:
a. I have never heard of them, but I don't like when people spell words incorrectly on purpose, especially when their target audience is people so stupid they might not even realize the words are spelled wrong, so I don't like them.
b. I really don't like them because the "music" is horrible. I have heard them on the radio a few times and I always change it.
c. They're okay--everyone has their own tastes, I don't own any albums but I listen to them on the radio, and I really like white guys with dreads--I think they're "deep."
d. These are my favorite bands--Korn says everything I want to say about life but don't know how. That Limp Bizkit song about breaking stuff makes me so pumped, I listen to it whenever I am working out and I get at least 10 extra reps out thanks to the rockin' beat.
Are they serious about this album cover?
3. My favorite shirt is:
a. This shirt my friend gave me like ten years ago, or I stole it, I don't remember. It's from some club he was in.
b. A beat up old shirt from this band I used to like in high school. It's got holes in it but I don't care, I wear it all the time anyway.
c. I don't keep old clothes, it's a new button-down shirt I bought last week.
d. My pink polo with the collar up.
No, even she can't get away with it...
4. Your dream job is:
a. Unemployed but wealthy. I wish I could live on a beach by myself.
b. A teacher. I love to help others.
c. A doctor. I love to help others, but I'd like to be able to make a few dollars to retire on, too.
d. A corporate lawyer or stock broker. I can't fathom a job that's more appealing to me than moving big money around and taking a piece of it every time.
5. You like to tell people that your favorite book is:
a. Watership Down, Richard Adams
b. A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving
c. The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
d. The Art of War, Sun Tzu
6. Your answer to question 5 is:
a. Completely accurate. I read that book a bunch of times and I love it so much.
b. Pretty much true, I haven't thought about it a lot.
c. False. I never even read it all the way through but it sounds like a heady book to give as an answer to that question.
d. Absolutely false. I haven't read a book since middle school.
7. When it comes to tipping at a restaurant:
a. I usually give 20% or more--I always round up.
b. I tip exactly 20%, but if it's bad service, I reserve the right to take some off.
c. I go between 15% and 20% depending on the convenience of making change with my cash.
d. I never tip more than 15%, calculated on the pre-tax amount. If I am at dinner with other people I calculate exactly how much I owe and I don't give a penny more--if they come up short and need someone to chip in an extra dollar, I know it's not my fault, so I don't add anything.
8. If a pedestrian is crossing the road in front of you when you are driving:
a. I stop and wave them through.
b. I stop if it's a crosswalk, but otherwise, I go through and let them wait at the yellow line to cross until there's a break in traffic.
c. I honk like crazy and give the finger to make it clear that the road is for cars, not people.
d. I hit them and drive away.
That second guy from the back is toast.
9. When a homeless person approaches you with a cup asking for money, you:
a. Give him all my change, and open my wallet to hand him some cash too if I don't have much change. If I have leftover food I offer him that too.
b. Toss him my change if it's handy.
c. Give him a dollar and ask for change, then laugh maniacally and walk away.
d. Tell him to "get a job" and, if no one's looking, spit on him and take his cup.
10. If you didn't go to Duke, you:
a. Root against Duke in every possible way: every athletic contest, academics, and controversial court cases.
b. Root against Duke basketball, but don't really care about anything else.
c. Root for Duke, those guys are really neat! I like painting my face blue.
d. I went to Duke.
Go Duke! Yay! Rah rah rah!
Score yourself 1 for each A answer, 2 for each B, 3 for each C, and 4 for each D, add up the total, and take a look at the key below to see where you fit:
10-20: You are a pansy and can't do anything for yourself. You need some assertiveness or you'll never get anywhere in life. Maybe you think there are rewards for you in other ways, but mostly you'll just get stepped on for the rest of your pathetic life. You are a complete asshole.
21-30: You are a waffling indecisive loser. Sometimes you like to lash out at others and sometimes you like to act meek. You can't have it both ways, but you seem to think you can... you are a complete asshole.
31-40: You think the world exists solely for your convenience. You are a sociopath and you don't care about anyone else's feelings at all. There isn't a place for you in this world and it would be better if we never met. You are a complete asshole.
Tune in for Shaw's next column soon, Optimism and sanity: can they be reconciled?
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