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Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament ends with a Shocker
04/10/06
by Staff reporter Shaw
To refresh your memory:
Tournament roundup Pt. I
Tournament roundup Pt. II
Tournament roundup Pt. III
Tournament roundup Pt. IV
Tournament roundup Pt. V
Tournament roundup Pt. VI
Tournament roundup Pt. VII
Tournament roundup Pt. VIII
Lorenzo 73, Spuds 27.
This was supposed to be the end of the line for Lorenzo. The admittedly fierce kitten was called too cute by some, and too much of a pussy by others, to be able to deal out death in the finals. Spuds was a long-standing veteran of the steel cage fighting circuit, having won several of the warmup tournaments leading up to this one, including the 2005 Winter All-Dog Classic, where he slew 8 dogs in as many days, demolishing the field en route to victory. It is rumored that after Spuds won that tournament he snuck into the locker room and murdered the rest of the combatants before he left for Vegas for 6 weeks of snorting blow off hundreds of strippers, human and canine alike. Then there was the televised charity Dog vs. Cat match, where Spuds was elected to represent dogs against the cat Simba, who lost early in this tournament. In the Dog v. Cat match, Spuds had knocked Simba out and pulled from his bandana a dinner fork and knife. When it became clear that he planned to actually eat Simba's prostrate body while he was still alive, Rafiki the baboon jabbed him in the head and knocked him out, allowing Simba the quick escape. Still the world did not forget that Spuds had that match won.
But today there was no question who won. Spuds was introduced first, and in typical fashion he came in to a blitz of drinking, smoking, and sex in the crowd, all screaming his name between shots and bong hits, giving the Shocker with their one free hand. Surprisingly, Spuds was able to return the Shocker gesture, which became the theme of the night, despite not having separable joints in his front paws. Lorenzo came in to an unusual hushed awed silence, all of them staring at what seemed to be a tiny little kitten, playing with a ball of string, carried on a velveteen pillow by the 27. The kitten was so little and cute that when the procession progressed down the aisle near Spuds's fans, a few of them reached in and tried to play with the kitty, saying things like "coochy coo, aw you're a cute lil' kitty, aren't you! Yes! Yes you are!" No one believed that this ball of fur could compete with Spuds.
They would probably have been right. With a sudden tearing sound, the velveteen pillow tore in half and the real Lorenzo, clad in his football helmet, lunged out of the fabric and siezed the kitten in his jaws, ripping him in half and swallowing him just as quickly, along with the dangling fingers of a few unsuspecting audience members. Lorenzo was here, and he was hungry.
The match began as many of Lorenzo's have in this tournament. The cat started in his corner, pacing and seemingly oblivious to the air of death around him. Spuds had learned his lesson from the last match and was as sober as we've seen him this tournament. But sobriety did not imply intelligence, as he boldly approached the cat with no sign of fear. Lorenzo didn't look in the dog's direction until he had gotten within a foot. Once that line was crossed, Lorenzo whipped his body around to face Spuds and let rip a body-wrenching hiss that scared McKenzie so badly that he dripped urine on the floor. Spuds backed all the way into his corner and whimpered for a minute before his trainer calmed him down. Lorenzo walked up to the puddle of urine and sniffed it. After a second, his expression changed to one of cat-like curiosity. He stared Spuds down until Spuds started shaking like a leaf--it looked like there was some unspoken communication between them, but as quickly as it started, Spuds broke the gaze and turned around to start climbing the cage as fast as he could. Lorenzo didn't seem to be expecting this move, but he reacted quickly enough to grab Spuds's leg with his teeth and pull him down into the ring again.
There was a blur of activity in the center of the ring, and when it stopped, Spuds was no longer wearing his shorts; they had been slit into strips and used to hogtie the dog. Lorenzo held the dog up in the air. At first it seemed he had planned to bodyslam him, but then it became clear that he was showing the dog's body to the audience... but why? When the camera got a good closeup, the answer was revealed... Lorenzo had apparently smelled something in the urine that no human could have done... this show and tell was an anatomy lesson... Spuds was a girl! With that, Lorenzo dropped the dog onto the mat, and with the audience in stunned silence, you could hear him hiss the human word, "bitch," before he held up his right paw to the crowd... contorted into the Shocker.
Before there was time to comprehend what was happening, the Shocker had been delivered to Spuds... Lorenzo had plunged his paw into her, so far that whining wasn't even possible anymore, the dog had gone far beyond shock, and had completely lost the ability to move... the doctors say she probably didn't feel a thing as Lorenzo mercifully removed the Shocker, and slit her throat with his other paw.
Lorenzo had won.
The 27 holds aloft the victor.
While Lorenzo was being held aloft by his benefactor and trainer, the refs carted away the shamed and dead dog, and returned a few minutes later with Lorenzo's trophy: his defeated opponent's stuffed carcass.
The winner's trophy
So there you have it, Hippos. You have selected our winner. Thanks for participating, and look for Maniquette, featuring Lorenzo the helmeted cat, for sale here soon.
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