previous column	deadlyhippos home	next column

The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament:
Final Four Special
04/07/06
by Shaw

To refresh your memory:
Tournament roundup Pt. I
Tournament roundup Pt. II
Tournament roundup Pt. III
Tournament roundup Pt. IV
Tournament roundup Pt. V
Tournament roundup Pt. VI
Tournament roundup Pt. VII

Western Final
by Staff Reporter Shaw

Tonight's Western Final was nothing short of a murder. As the second seed, Hooch was introduced to the crowd first, carried out on a fluffy dog bed by Tom Hanks, surrounded by a legion of bitches, all barking his name, as he chugged bottle after bottle of his namesake beverage, Hooch, and howled to a medley of DMX songs and "Who Let the Dogs Out". What was most incredible about his entrance wasn't the elaborate lightshow or celebrity guests, but the icy reception he got from the audience. Hardly any applause, and no booing. Nary a sound. For while the Hooch camp had been busy recruiting A-Listers for his appearance, the Lorenzo fans had been quietly organizing the Lorenzo-faithful to remain absolutely silent and stare impassively at Hooch as he entered the cage. This seemed to really upset his management team, who were accustomed to a loud and raucous greeting everywhere they went.

Lorenzo's entrance made it clear that the building belonged to the helmeted kitten. Men raised fists triumphantly into the air; kids held up pictures of Lorenzo, women ripped their shirts off, and there were even a few people wearing jerseys with the number 27 on the back. As Lorenzo basked in the sunlit windowsill of his audience's adoration, he looked... well, adorable. In fact to this reporter it didn't look like he stood a chance in hell of doing battle as an equal with the slobber-dripping mongrel in the opposite corner.

It now appears that this was part of the plan from the beginning: what I should have been looking at was the 27. After reviewing footage of the cat's arrival, one could see that the 27 had a fire in his eyes betraying a ferocity that the cat was better able to hide in his furry face. I nearly soiled myself looking into those eyes. Had I seen that before the match started, I might not have been surprised by the slaughter that was the actual fight.

Lorenzo is led out to the fight by the ferocious 27

When the bell rang, as has become typical of his behavior in the tournament, Lorenzo waited in his corner, baiting his larger opponent to come near. Despite Tom Hanks's repeated commands that Hooch stay in his corner, yelling "Sit! Stay! STAY!" the dog lumbered stupidly to Lorenzo, who was absent-mindedly licking his paws.

It would have behooved the mutt to watch some game footage of his opponent: he paid for this mistake with his life.

What I am about to write, I hardly believe myself. When Hooch had gotten to within 3 feet of Lorenzo, something stunning happened: Lorenzo, Lorenzo the cat, Lorenzo the housepet, SPOKE OUT LOUD in a human voice, saying "That's far enough."

Only the officials, reporters, and participants were close enough to hear it, but it sent chills down my spine. Hooch's reaction was to tilt his head in the way that dogs do when they are surprised or confused. This was all the opening that Lorenzo needed.

Hooch's last head tilt

Lorenzo leapt from the ground in a blur of motion, and landed two feet behind Hooch. At first, it looked like nothing had happened: Hooch turned around to face Lorenzo and square off again. But then he started to stagger and sway. Within seconds, a slit opened the length of his entire body, and a steaming pile of unrecognizable organs fell to the ground, voiding Hooch's body cavity, who effectively birthed his own destruction. Never showing a sign of interest in the match, Lorenzo deftly climbed the cage, hopped into the 27's arms, and exited the arena. The 27 didn't spoke a word to the press.

If this match is any indication of Lorenzo's talent, whoever faces him in the final doesn't stand a chance. During review of the match tape, you can see that in the .4 seconds it took for his leap, Lorenzo slashed Hooch five separate times... with each claw. These moves occurred so quickly that it took all four of the cameras' footage to piece together the sequence of moves. I do not envy the animal who has to face this cat.

Eastern Final
by Staff Reporter Shaw

The match was epic. The battle was royale. The bear was hibernating. That's right, the bear was hibernating. It is hard to believe the horrible timing of this move, but his manager, Dan Akroyd, said that he had been raised in the circus, and so his body's internal timing was completely ruined at a very young age. "Yeah, he's done this kind of thing before... he always seems to go into his hibernation thing right after he's severely traumatized, like--wait, are you printing this? No? Okay--so the times he has done it before have always been when he was getting a faceful from some sick circus clown who would come into his tent at night when he was all chained up. I'm not accusing anyone of anything but that Spuds dog sure looks like a clown to me."

Despite the hibernative state of Bart the Bear, the match was certainly interesting. Spuds rolled in with his typical entourage: a bunch of women who looked like they would have been hot if they didn't have the giant 80's-teased out hairsprayed Goldie Hawn-hair, and a huge Bud Light truck from which the driver was throwing beer cans into the audience, much to the chagrin of the arena staff who estimated they lost over $500K in beer sales from this move alone.

This was Spuds at his most impressive for the night; McKenzie was not in full form once the opening bell sounded. Bart the Bear, who had been carried in on a stretcher by a team of ten men, was unceremoniously dumped in the center of the ring. A smarter and more sober dog might have taken the easy win and just climbed the fence. Instead, Spuds, who had had an easy draw so far in the tournament, having had matches only with other dogs, was keen to prove himself to his doubters by making at least some physical contact with the sleeping bear. His timing was unfortunate.

He had put a back leg up next to the bear, planning, it seems, on "marking his territory", when Bart stirred in his sleep, visibly frightening the dog. He tripped and fell just as Bart the Bear rolled over and trapped Spuds with his mammoth-sized body. Though totally by accident, it looked like the bear had the match won: all he would have to do would be to stay still, and after 3 months or so, he would wake up to find the emaciated skeleton and Hawaiian shirt underneath him.

To his credit, however, Spuds fought viciously to get out from under the bear's weight. It was over four hours before he finally managed to push his way out from under Bart's left arm. By that time most of the audience had left; most of Spuds's entourage had fled too, the women clearly unimpressed by their former muse's lackluster battle in the cage. Spuds exited the bear's accidental grip to no applause, and climbed the fence to leave. For a split second, it looked like his tail really was between his legs.

...

So there you have it. The finished regional brackets are as follows:

With Lorenzo and Spuds set to meet in the final this weekend, there is much speculation about what will happen. As the 6 seed, Lorenzo was a surprise victor, to be sure, but in fairness he won each of his matches soundly and with total demolition in his wake. Spuds, however, struggled mightily with the only animal he faced outside of his own species. Despite having been the 2 seed in his region, it would be difficult to call him a favorite to win, as there is just no telling what will happen in the ring.

This weekend's voting shall tell: vote on this page for the winner, who will be given the extraordinary honor of being featured on the cover of our book, Maniquette, to be released and sold here shortly.

________________________

Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.