The Oscars have become the feminine Super Bowl and the NCAA Tournament all rolled into one. I’m not sure exactly when this happened but it has. Women throw parties now and there are challenges to correctly pick the Oscar winners. This is all the more amusing because generally people are picking movies and actors that they didn’t see in the theater. In fact, if ten average Americans had to choose between watching King Kong or Crash, all ten would pick King Kong. This is really disappointing to me because Crash is one of the ten best movies I’ve ever seen and almost no one saw it. I think it was only on at one theater in Nashville. But given the high priority that the Oscars have come to envelop in our country, I decided to sit down and game diary the 78^th annual Academy Awards. And so, voila:

1. The Oscars are in HD. The opening moves through an assemblage of famous actors from famous movies. My HD picture is so spectacular I actually feel like I’m walking amidst them. When we finally reach the theater, there is an immediate pause to allow the advertisers sponsoring this event to be announced. Is this really necessary? It’s really anti-climatic. I think the Oscars should be like World Cup Soccer with the brands presenting them commercial free.

2. The opening scene features Billy Crystal and Chris Rock inside the Brokeback Mountain tent. This is fairly funny. After that things go down hill in a hurry. Ultimately, we’re left with David Letterman repeating Steve Martin’s unfunny weird kids line. New Oscar Canon: Whenever you moderately resemble an old Life cereal ad (Unless your kid is weird…) that wasn’t funny, over a hundred million people shouldn’t have to watch.

3. Requisite camera pans: whenever a star gets made fun of we have to see them in the audience. Felicity Huffman is the first victim. She laughs like she is sucking on an ice cube. It always amazes me how the most amazingly talented actors in the world can’t pull off the fake laugh.

4. Stewart says he’s on the waiting list to be adopted by Angelina Jolie and is greeted with stony silence. This could be a long night. I’m picturing Jon Stewart mentally disemboweling whoever encouraged him to use this line.

Umm, can I be on the wait list too?

5. Is there any man alive who wouldn’t kill five or less people with his bare hands to be George Clooney? I don’t think so. Jon Stewart scores by saying that “Good Night and Good luck is also what George Clooney says to end all of his dates.” The camera pans to Clooney who grins and then frowns. The entire audience erupts. Everyone loves George Clooney.

6. Will there ever be an Oscar event where the host doesn’t feel compelled to make a joke about all the Democrats in Hollywood. This isn’t funny anymore. It’s the Academy Awards version of a knock, knock joke.

7. Who are these people in the balconies on the sides of the stage? The camera never shows them, but I keep expecting for some latter-day John Wilkes Booth to come jumping down onto the stage after he has just shot someone.

“Sic Semper Brokeback Mountain,” he will cry upon landing on the stage.

8. Is there any doubt that Catherine Keener is the hottest forty-something in the history of the universe?

9. Did To Kill a Mockingbird author Harper Lee really look like this in the 1960’s?

Umm, no, but read the book anyway.

10. Paul Giamatti didn’t bother to shave. And not that didn’t bother to shave look which makes you look stylish, but the didn’t bother to shave thing that makes him look like he beat someone in the alley and stole their tuxedo. His father really is A. Bartlett Giamatti the commissioner who banned Pete Rose from baseball. This is just an incredibly weird fact.

The working title for Sideways? “The A. Barlett Giamatti Story.”

11. Nicole Kidman comes out to give the award for best supporting actor and sets a record for most times the word “or” is used. This was like a five-hundred word sentence. Oh, and Kidman actually has an Australian accent if you weren’t aware.

12. George Clooney wins and gives an extraordinary acceptance speech which proves he could run for, and win, any political office he sought short of President. He was funnier, smarter, and more self-deprecating than any other actor I’ve seen accept an award. But come on, the camera guy has to pan to Jamie Foxx when Clooney mentions the Academy’s stance on Civil Rights?  What was Foxx doing? How about politely clapping like every other person in the entire audience. What did ABC think, that Foxx was going to stand up and nominate Clooney for President of the NAACP?

The next president of the NAACP?

13. Ben Stiller’s visual effects bit in the green outfit is never really that funny but takes forever. On the other hand, give Stiller credit for being willing to make a complete fool of himself. But would wearing underwear in that green suit have killed him?

14. Naomi Watts describes Dolly Parton as “a woman I’ve admired my whole life.” Does anyone actually believe this? Sure you have…girls all over Britain go to sleep at night in their Dollywood pajamas. On the positive side Dolly Parton has joined the Dick Clark ageless team. She also appears to have a waist the size of a jar of peanut butter.

Dolly Parton’s waist.

15. Is Jack Nicholson dating Keira Knightly now? If not, is he with the kids sitting next to him? Does Jack Nicholson just get a whole row at the awards ceremony now?

16. Is that Massachusetts Congressman Ed Markey in the crowd? I’m ashamed to recognize him. I think this demonstrates what a loser I am. It also makes me the only person not related to Ed Markey to recognize him at the Oscars. In fact, when some intern of Markey’s googles his name and Oscars, how disappointed is he going to be that deadlyhippos is his top search result?

Yep, it was definitely him.

17. Luke and Owen Wilson deliver the Live Action short film Oscar and reveal that their film Bottlerocket cost five million to make and grossed over one million in 1996 dollars before inflation. The Wilson brothers look absolutely nothing alike. Unfortunately for them they also have to introduce Chicken Little and some other little animated character for a rip roaring segment about ducks not getting pants. Who ok’d this and how was the animated short Oscar such a non-secret that they allowed animators to draw and record the result? I just wish the winners had to interact with the cartoons. These interactions are always steeped in awkwardness.

18. Jennifer Aniston appears with a necklace worth conservatively… 4.2 billion dollars that seems destined to scream across the Atlantic, “I have a great rack too.”

19. Will Ferrell and Steve Carrel appear with solid make-up jobs. By the way if you aren’t watching The Office, just start. Be honest, your Thursday nights are not that exciting anyway. Somehow the guy who wins the best Oscar for makeup is also Swearingen from Deadwood. Who knew how talented he was.

The eloquent Swearingen’s acceptance speech: “I’d like to thank the bleepin’ academy for bleepin bleepin bleepin.”

20. One of the best things about the Oscars is the awkward pairings of people sitting side-by-side. For instance, what in the world did Jamie Foxx and Nicole Kidman talk about? I wish I could see a transcript of their conversation as I think it would redefine the phrase “uncomfortable silence.”

21. My man Morgan Freeman rolls in to give the Oscar and makes an error on the phrase “demonstrative faces.” Then he does one of those overly dramatic corrections that aren’t really necessary. After five seconds of moving his lips and making odd sounds, the man who made March of the Penguins the best National Geographic documentary ever made, finishes and gives the award to Rachel Weisz.

22. This is unfortunate because, in my mind, Amy Adams, Catherine Keener and Michelle Williams were all better In fact, if you haven’t seen Junebug, go rent it. Amy Adams is hysterical and spectacular. I was disappointed when she didn’t win although maybe this will save her from the Marisa Tomei oblivion.

Ms. Adams reacts with glee upon being informed that the deadlyhippos movie will feature an Oscar-caliber role for her.

23. Also I don’t like Rachel Weisz because she seems like that really annoying kid from drama class in school who was way too dramatic in everything they did. Admittedly this is very personal.

24. Raise your hand if every time, they showed Michelle Williams in the crowd, you didn’t think, “Would Grams approve of Jenn Lindley dating this Heath Ledger fellow?”

25. Lauren Bacall comes close to bombing as she introduces a clip about film noir. I particularly liked when they switched the camera angle as if that somehow was going to make people forget about the fact that Bacall wasn’t speaking.

26. Was Charlize Theron’s dress trying to attack her neck? Every time they showed her it seemed like the dress material was inching farther up. I really wish Charlize had also brought back the Southern poof to go along with her poofy shoulder dress. And if you’re a southern girl who was in her preteen years at any point in the mid to late 80’s and you didn’t rock the poof hairstyle, you are a damn liar. 

27. There is absolutely no reason for any clip that doesn’t involve either making fun of a movie or show real footage from a nominated film or actor. This could cut a solid half-hour out of the show. Or it could allow for an Oscar miked up feature to demonstrate the best conversational gambits between Nicole Kidman and Jamie Foxx.

28. Oh god, of course March of the Penguins won and those damn penguin people carried up four stuffed penguins. A couple of questions: a. did they take the penguins with them to all the after-parties and b. what if they hadn’t won? How big of tools would they have looked like carrying around the penguins without Oscars? Come to think of it, this might be the cockiest move in Oscar history. Usually the only planning you can show is pulling out a list and even this has become sort of frowned upon lately. And these bastards had the absolute gall to bring stuffed penguin props. I hate these penguin people.

There is a hundred percent chance director Luc Jacquet had sex with his stuffed penguin animal later that night.

29. The only good thing about this victory was when the camera caught Morgan Freeman backstage and it was like he was expecting to be summoned out to speak.

30. The Crash song is sung and we have people moving in ridiculously slow motion behind the singer who are recreating scenes from the movie. I absolutely loved this on several levels, A. the Matt Dillon slow-mover spent the entire song in the background with his hand between the Thandie Newton slow-mover’s legs. Can you imagine if this was you and you told your parents to watch because you were going to be the guy slowly moving his hand between the other actor’s legs? How about if this was your daughter? B. Did they have auditions for these roles and if so, how bad did you feel if you got rejected. C. There are too many layers here, we have actors who played these roles at full-speed in the movie in the crowd watching actors playing them in slow-speed while they watch them from the crowd. D. Was I the only one who was confused for a moment and thought the Hispanic guy from Crash was also playing himself during the song? This would have been classic.

The real Thandie Newton.

31. Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock enter to the music from Speed. Imagine if the guy who made Speed went to go see a psychic and the psychic said something like, “Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bulluck will be on stage together at the Academy Awards while your theme song plays.” And the guy who made Speed was ecstatic and gave him like a two-thousand dollar tip and then when the Oscars arrived that year and nothing happened has been bad-mouthing this psychic ever since. And it turns out the psychic was really right all along? Actually, this would probably just be the pitch for Speed 3: An Angry Psychics Revenge, thanks for reading along with all my imagining.

32. Is there anything that Salma Hayek could say in English that doesn’t give roughly one-half of the men watching her a halfie? She’s the most effortlessly sensual woman on earth. It always makes me wonder how somebody like Ed Norton dates her and then dumps her. People always wonder why men want to be actors, I think this slogan could sum everything up, “Act: Ed Norton dumped Salma Hayek because he had better options.”

                
A refresher course.

33. Jake Gyllenhaal delivers the weakest joke in a pre-Oscar winner intro. Somehow it involves the power and majesty of movies in the theater and this is the punchline, …”and good luck trying to enjoy them on a portable DVD.” Then he pauses. I wonder do they have “Pause (laughter)” written on the teleprompter. If so, I think there is a 100% chance that Jake Gyllenhaal is going to try to kick some writer’s ass tonight.

The punch line. I’m dying here.

34. The best part about this awkward pause was the flash to Heath Ledger who was sort of laughing and had a look that seemed to say, “I can’t believe I made out with that loser. I’m sorry Grams.”

35. Jessica Alba appears delivers the award for sound mixing. Somewhere Jessica Biel is stewing.

36. Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep deliver a dialogue of horrible comedy for the post-menopausal set. They both appear to be wasted, particularly Meryl Streep and they speak for about fifteen minutes about Robert Altman’s films. The only thing that makes sense is when they mention peyote, which I’m assuming both had just smoked in the oscar wigwam out back.

37. There’s a really cool M. Night Shymalan American Express Commercial.

38. Jon Stewart makes his fourteenth Jewish joke of the night. Are there really that many people sitting at home enjoying these jokes? Aren’t Jews like 1% of the population? (For the record I went to school with every single one of them at GW) I wish they would have that guy from Lost host the Oscars and spend the entire night making Nigerian jokes. Or even better that guy from Last of the Mohicans who plays all the Native American characters in movies should host and just make Native American jokes all night. Either of these would probably appeal to a larger segment of the American audience. We get it, you’re Jewish, and this isn’t particularly funny.

           

39. Ludacris introduces Three 6 Mafia’s It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp. This has to be the most incongruous moment in Oscar history. Like seeing Barry Manilow performing at the Vibe awards. I think I speak for everyone when I say there is nothing better than slow motion prostitution.

40. Amazingly, Three 6 Mafia wins. Not surprisingly part of their acceptance speech is bleeped out. Jon Stewart comes alive at this point once he legitimately stops laughing. Deadpanning, “I think it just got a whole lot easier for a pimp.” The camera cuts to Paul Giamatti to gauge his reaction. I mean, when I think pimp, Paul Giamatti is the first name I think of as well.

41. Jennifer Garner arrives to give the Oscar for sound-editing and almost falls. I think if she had fallen delivering an Oscar, there is a one-hundred percent chance an assassin’s bullet would have just thwacked into the area she had been standing in.

Sydney Bristow never falls without a reason.

42. Will Smith delivers the Oscar for best foreign film and his hair is so shiny he looks like he just sprayed himself with that jheri curl juice from Coming to America.

         
I think Eriq Lasalle might have confiscated all images of himself in Coming to America. So you have to synthesize these two pictures together to obtain the desired result.

43. Jon Stewart’s best line of the night, “For those of you keeping score at home, Martin Scorcese zero Oscars, Three 6 Mafia, one.

44. Hilary Swank delivers the Best Actor Oscar to Philip Seymour Hoffman who drops a line about staying up with his mother for the NCAA Final Four. I would have given pretty good odds this was unlikely. Who does Philip Seymour Hoffman root for, and wouldn’t you be shocked to see him at a Final Four game? In fact, I can’t think of an actor who I would be more surprised to see at a Final Four game.

45. Good for Reese Witherspoon for her win. Now I’m going to try and examine why I began crying. Opening line, “Oh my goodness. I never thought I’d be here in my whole life, growing up in Tennessee.” Then she thanked her parents, “Thank you so much for everything, for being so proud of me, it didn’t matter if I was making my bed or making a movie. They never hesitated to say how proud they were of me and that means so very much to a child, So thank you Mom and Dad.” I’m thinking this brought me down because my parents will read this Oscar diary and say they enjoyed it. My mom even said recently of my columns, “I’m sure they’re very good even though I don’t know what you’re saying.” This might qualify as the most serious paragraph in game diary history and I apologize.

And the first Oscar for first winner to be photographed in a Catholic school girl uniform goes to…Reese Witherspoon. Actually this might just be her Harpeth Hall high school outfit.

46. Congrats to Larry McMurtry for his Oscar. He should be given every award known to man just for having written Lonesome Dove and for wearing cowboy boots and jeans with a tuxedo top. Don’t you just know somewhere President Bush was screaming, “Laura, Laura. Come here. I told you I could have done it at the Inauguration.” Unfortunately Diana Ossana begins her speech by saying, “The duty of art is to send light into the darkness of men’s hearts.” Please stop, you pompous wench. I don’t think everyone in the world needs to have you summarize your own version of the duty of art. The mere fact that you presume to lecture us about your planned one sentence art breakdown is insulting.

47. Man, Uman Thurman’s really got a twitch about her doesn’t she? If she and Steve Spurrier got married their kid would never stop moving.

48. Crash wins for best original screenplay and my favorite part was when one of the writers, Bobby Moresco, didn’t accept congratulations from anyone but leaned in and kissed Charlize Theron even though she wasn’t standing or trying to congratulate him. Let’s be honest, while other people were plotting their acceptance speeches, Bobby Moresco was figuring out how to kiss Charlize Theron. Good for him.

49. Jack Nicholson comes out to deliver the Oscar for best picture. Crash wins again and the audience actually explodes. Writer and director Paul Haggis’ wife is so excited she almost loses her orange top. And I’ll be damned if Nicholson doesn’t grope the ass of producer Tracy Schulman a bit when he hands her the Oscar. Welcome to the A-list Tracy.

50. It’s rare that I really root for a movie, but Crash really deserved to win. As a final suggestion, if you haven’t seen Crash you really should. Congrats to everyone who made it through the entire Oscar game diary, now get back to not working.

Matt Dillon just makes everything better.