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The NCAA Tournament, by the numbers
03/20/06
by Clay

As the NCAA tournament continues, every possible and legitimate angle is going to be covered. We'll know what cereal Mike K. prefers and whether or not Adam Morrison utilizes a Schick or Gillete to trim his pornstache.

Since we here at Deadly Hippos view everything from a slightly skewed perspective, we decided to bring you a list of events that are certain to occur but won't be publicized that well. In fact, no one will probably talk about them. Without further ado, here is our first annual Deadly Hippos tally of 20 things we'll be watching for during the NCAA tourney along with our predicted number of occurrences. Here goes:

• Number of people who can explain the purpose of the 64-65 play-in game in one sentence or less: There is one on Earth, and his name is CBS Sports' Jim Nantz. Incidentally, reader Chris Van Blarcum of Alexandria, Va. stated that Nantz's silence regarding my 100-yard dash challenge "speaks volumes." I wouldn't disagree, but I would also suggest it's because Jim Nantz is not aware I exist.

• There will be 1,091,358 uses of the phrase "March Madness" before a champion is crowned in April.

• Number of times CBS announcer Bill Raftery will say, "... and the kiss" shortly followed by "mantoman" during the course of the tournament: 321. Number of times I will enjoy this: 321.

• There will be 986 'no' head shakes after solid offensive or defensive plays. Imagine if you were foreign and watching this tournament. Wouldn't you think the players were constantly declining something an unseen person was offering?

• Conversely, there will be just 38 'yes' nods after positive plays. Someone needs to lobby for the 'yes' nod. I'm thinking Kanye West is the right call as he seems to have made both an art form and a singular dance move out of the 'yes' head nod.

• 63 jersey pops. When did this thing take over? Are the players operating under some confusion that fans aren't sure which team they are actually playing for? My friend Jason claims there are often intra-game jersey pops. I have never seen jersey pops until at the end of the game. Currently, between us, this is the Roe v. Wade of jersey pops debate.

• There will exactly be 14 angry cheerleader team meetings regarding whether or not to challenge the NCAA's restriction on three-level pyramids. Unfortunately, Bring it On's Gwen Torrance will not lead a revolt and it is equally likely no one will get served. This means old men everywhere will have to make do with a pyramid view that ends at mid-thigh.

• Shots of Chuck Norris in the crowd: One. Odds Norris will do a karate chop when found by cameras: 86 percent. Come on CBS, find him. We all know he's there somewhere.

• Last-second made shot celebrations: Eight. Number of times the camera will catch bench players signaling what time the cheerleaders should meet up with them on the off day in between games: Zero.

• Ashley Judd and Nick Lachey camera finds during Kentucky and Cincinnati games respectively: Two, but both will be of Ashley Judd since Lachey's Cincinnati team was spurned by the selection committee. Speaking of Lachey, man, the guy has had a rough few months. First, Cincinnati's coach, Bob Huggins, was forced out, then his marriage with Jessica Simpson unraveled, next, USC loses the national championship on a Vince Young fourth down scramble with 40 seconds remaining, and finally, UC loses a tourney bid on a running three-pointer by Gerry McNamara. At least Lachey's forthcoming solo album, All I Have, will go double platinum ... wait.

• Number of times Cinderella or Cinderella appropriate language will be utilized ("If the slipper fits ..." "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo"): 4,033.

• Number of times the phrase "bibbidi-bobbidi-boo" will appear in a sports column for the remainder of recorded history: Probably zero.

• Number of times CBS announcer Verne Lundquist chortles: 48. By the way, am I the only person who would love it if Clark Kellogg diagrammed a game play featuring an underdog with a magic wand?

• Number of times the phrases, "little guy," "scrappy" and "underdog" will be utilized per first round game: 24.

• Number of times when someone should be beaten with a rattan cane by fellow bracket pool participants for picking all four No. 1 seeds to advance to the Final Four: Four. Number of times if Tony Soprano is delivering said blows: Two.

• Billy Packer's explanations for the derivation of Orlando "Tubby" Smith's nickname: As many games as Kentucky plays. Incidentally, this wins the 'Most Often Told NCAA Anecdote' of my lifetime. This anecdote is so inextricably linked between its teller, Billy Packer, and its subject, Tubby Smith, that I am almost convinced both shared the same bathtub as kids. I apologize for this image.

• 16: Number of times a player will react angrily as if he is going to fight after a hard foul. My favorite is when the angry player goes after the fouler, but no one stops them. So, the angry player will advance at an oblique angle so another person ends up between them. A better example is the angry player's prolonged pause before advancing on the hard fouler. This will absolutely ensure the referee is there before the players come remotely near one another.

• Five: Number of mascots you will legitimately have no earthly idea what they are. My early favorites are the Iona Gaels (this college and nickname sounds vaguely like the name of a Las Vegas lounge singer from the 1950s), Southern Illinois Salukis, Kent State Golden Flashes and the Wichita State Shockers (whose hat popularity is presumably not the intent of the nickname).

• Schools you could not place in a state or even geographical region: Nine. I'm being completely honest about these from my own perspective and have not looked up the answers prior to writing this. Northwestern State? For some reason, I think Louisiana is the state, but this makes the name flagrantly inappropriate to everyone who isn't Creole and living in southern Louisiana. Oral Roberts? I'm guessing Kansas. But this also sounds like the title of a Chief Justice John Roberts movie he wouldn't want released. Monmouth? Somewhere in the Northeast, but I have no idea where it is, exactly. Duke? You get my drift. This list just goes on and on.

• One Shining Moment tears: How do you measure the Mississippi River? I'm completely convinced if every crying person's tears were combined during the crescendo of One Shining Moment, North America would have a new river. So, I suspect this number is actually infinite, which conveniently also will be the odds against anyone correctly picking a complete bracket. Bring on the games.

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