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Breaking down the NCAA Tournament
03/14/06
by Clay

Since I have yet to see the phrase "poonhound" or "donkey punch" included in any NCAA Tourney bracket projection, I decided it was time to break down the brackets deadlyhippos style. This column will be the first round and the remainder of the tournament will be revealed in Friday's column.

Also on Wednesday we will begin our own tournament designed to select a deserving animal to appear on the cover of our forthcoming book which will be entitled Maniquette. There will be more details about the book forthcoming shortly, but first we want to embrace the spirit, vim and vigor that is tournament life by hosting our own sixteen animal steelcage tapout match between animals as diverse as Mister Ed and the dog from the movie Ernest Scared Stupid which DJ starred in as a child. Your votes will determine who advances further and our own bracket will be up on the site come Wednesday.

Rather than further verbally prancing about, let's get down to serious business here and start at the beginning with the Atlanta region.

First Round

Duke over Southern- Only if the bands competed would Southern beat Duke. This is fortunate for Duke, because getting served can be very painful. Duke advances.

I'm not sure exactly how or who, but I do know that somehow a serving is taking place above.

George Washington over UNC-Wilmington- If you legitimately question who I am picking here, you are probably visiting this site for the first time. If so, you are not aware that I am a graduate of GW and also the worst student basketball manager in college basketball history. I say all this to be able to say this with complete authority, GW is going to win. And trust me, this is hard because Dawson's Creek was filmed in Wilmington.

Syracuse over Texas A&M- I can't be the only person in America who has trouble keeping a straight face whenever Gerry "Chinstrap" McNamara is on television. I don't care if the guy makes four-thousand consecutive three-point baskets, he still looks like a tool with that facial hair. (And yes, I am well aware that with my own fa cial hair this is the perfect illustration of someone living in a glass house throwing stones.) Even after all of that I am picking Syracuse.

McNamara pre-chinstrap. Has anyone ever considered that it might be the added weight of his chinstrap throwing off his shot?

LSU over Iona- As a general rule picking a team whose star has a name like Big Baby would be a flaw, but Big Baby Davis is the exception to just about every rule known to man. Plus Iona Gaels sounds like a lounge singer from Vegas in the 1950's. At some point this bit of trash talk gold has to catch up with them. LSU advances.

"And now for your enjoyment, Iona Gaels."

West Virginia over Southern Illinois- The Salukis are named after ancient Egyptian dogs. I find this ironic because I am willing to guarantee at least half of the people currently attending Southern Illinois could not point to Egypt on a map. But this is still better than the 99% of West Virginia students who are not aware Egypt actually exists. West Virginia advances.

   
Am I the only person who envisions this conversation between the two men pictured above:
Man 1:"There's this country called Egypt."
Man 2: "Quit tomfoolin' there ain't no Egypt."

Iowa over Northwestern State- Just imagine the gall of a school in Northwestern Louisiana having the guts to take the name Northwestern State from all the more deserving schools actually located in the northwestern part of the country. Iowa advances.

NC State over California- This is a close call and I hate to admit this because I suppose I am now a journalist of some sort or another, but I haven't seen Cal play all year. This means I can name exactly one Cal player, Leon Powe. Whereas I can name the entire NC State starting five. This might be the definition of East Coast Bias. So now I am an East Coastist (which is particularly jarring because I live in a state that is about 9 hours from the east coast). Also NC State beat GW by 21 in December so this falls into the, "This team kicked the shit out of my team, and if they aren't really good than my team might actually be bad and I'm not willing to admit that" exception. NC State advances.

Texas over UPenn- On the plus side, UPenn's football stadium was featured in the movie, The Sixth Sense, and you can never take this away from them. On the negative side, this will likely have limited impact on their game against Texas. Texas advances.

Once a Vandy law school professor said, "I sue dead people," in the Haley Joel Osment voice and brought down the law school house. T his might qualify as the funniest joke by a law school professor ever.

Oakland Region

Memphis over Oral Roberts- Seriously, Oral Roberts sounds like a movie new Supreme Court Chief Justice made while he was an undergrad at Harvard that he never wants released. Actually, I would rather watch that movie than this game. Memphis advances.

Was this coy smile also the first Chief Justice cum face in Supreme Court history?

Arkansas over Bucknell- All year long everytime I see Arkansas's Ronnie Brewer, this word comes to mind, poonhound. This leads to another rule for deadlyhippos bracket selection, always pick the poonhound's team to win. Arkansas advances.

Deadlyhippos favorite poonhound: meet Ronnie Brewer.

Pittsburgh over Kent State- Do you think the people at Kent State will ever live down the fact that their school's renown peaked when Vietnam War protesters were shot and killed on campus? This team went to the Elite 8 a few years ago and hardly anyone remembers. Unfortunately Pittsburgh has Carl Krauser...and no post-traumatic stress disorders to contend with. Pittsburgh advances.

Kansas over Bradley- Schools that are really just names for dorky kids, never do well in sports. Probably because whenever they try to recruit kids the athletes think of the dorky kid they just spent all da y tormenting. This is unfortunate for Bradley because there have been all sort of cool Bradley's. I think they need to aggressively market via a relationship with the ancestors of World War II General Omar Bradley. Either that or convince Brad Pitt to start going by Bradley...which is never going to happen. Sort of like Bradley beating Kansas. Kansas advances.

Indiana over San Diego St.- My only question WWMFD- What Would Marshall Faulk Do? (Also doubles as What Wouldl Morgan Freeman Do). I feel like there is a decent chance Faulk could still start for San Diego State...in basketball. Indiana rides the Mike Davis is leaving train to the second round. For the record, the caboose on this train belongs to the man with the biggest ass in the NCAA Tourney, Marco Killingsworth. Indiana advances.

Xavier over Gonzaga- About time for an upset. Gonzaga is overrated and Xavier is underrated. And this has been reflected in the spread where despite the 3 v. 14 matchup, Gonzaga is just a 5.5 point favorite. Add in the fact that at some point the 4003 girls Adam Morrison has slept with this season has to impact his game, and you've got the making of an upset. Xavier advances.

Alabama over Marquette- This pick is made because I am entirely biased towards SEC teams. Also because I find it hard to believe anyone who is really that good of a basketball player chooses to remain in or attend school in Milwaukee. (Note: Tuscaloosa is the next San Francisco. I hear doublewides are about to be going for 50k in certain select neighborhoods.) Alabama advances.

UCLA over Belmont- Remember when I said the Southern band was probably better than Duke's? Well, I've spent a long time thinking and I can't even think of a single thing Belmont is better than UCLA in. But what are the odds that two schools with Bruins as mascots would even play each other. Actually, there's one, Belmont Bruins has better alliteration than UCLA Bruins. But a Belmont Bruin by any other name is a loser. UCLA advances.

I may be wrong about this, but I don't believe there were ever Bruins in Tennessee. This makes Belmont's choice a bit strange. The second photo was the second result for Bruin. You're welcome.

Washington, D.C. Region

UConn over Albany- States trump cities. Period. Or at least until Memphis plays a state school. UConn advances.

Kentucky over UAB- This will allow redemption on a grand scale for my friend Weatherholt who has not truly enjoyed a meal since UAB beat Kentucky two years ago. "Everything tastes like crackers," he said recently. Ok, he didn't really say that, but I wish he had. Kentucky advances.

Life as Weatherholt.

Washington over Utah State- Too much Utah success and the Mormons will try to secede again. Wait, Utah State isn't the Mormon school? Wouldn't it be great if college kids in Utah started going practicing collegiate polygamy by cherry-picking easy courses at colleges across the state? Ok, this discussion has very little to do with basketball because both of these schools are on the west coast and if it had to do with basketball it would turn into an extended rumination about Ryan Appleby's of Washington's hair which also wouldn't have to do with basketball. Washington advances.

Appleby and hair.

Illinois over Air Force- I think every bracketologist should stand outside of the arena where these two teams play and picket against Air Force. Rumor has it ESPN's Joe Lunardi is working on an editorial for the Washington Post pointing out that the Navy actually has more planes than the Air Force does and henceforth the Air Force school should be folded into the Annapolis campus. Illinois's Dee Brown does not have an opinion about the issue because he is too busy shopping for a Hummer. Illinois advances.

ESPN's Joe Lunardi, me and my friends Shekhar and Jason. Others have described my grip here as "claw-like."

Michigan State over George Mason- Is there any doubt Paul Davis the saddest-eyed big man in America? He looks like he's on executioner row and someone just dumped his last meal on top of his head. Every time I see him playing, I feel sorry for him. Which is ridiculous because he's a big-time basketball player who will be drafted to the NBA and I'm...well, I'm me. I feel like this has to be a marketable talent at some point later in life. Maybe Paul Davis should do every feed the orphans commercial? Just an idea. Michigan State advances because I couldn't bear to see Paul Davis if they didn't.

Is it wrong that I just want to hug him?

North Carolina over Murray State- Tyler Hansbrough could walk up to any girl on campus and say, "Come back to the dorm I want to donkey punch you," and ninety-nine percent of the girls on campus would be like, "Ohmygod, that's so cool." And have you seen his stepmom (or dear god is that his mom)? UNC is not losing in the first round. North Carolina advances.

Tyler Hansbrough is so cool, he's trying to change the word donkey punch into mule punch. Here he is poses in his favorite mule punch uni.

Wichita State over Seton Hall- Based on this season Seton Hall could win by fifty or lose by fifty and neither would be a surprise. Wichita State is in Kansas and Seton Hall is in New Jersey. This game is being played in Washington, DC. Sometimes it pays to consider that people from Kansas never want to go back to Kansas before they absolutely have to, Wichita State advances. Actually upon further reflection this game is in Greensboro. Just insert Greensboro for Washington, DC and the logic remains the same.

Tennessee over Winthrop- Though, in all honesty this game absolutely terrifies me. I actually talked to Gregg Marshall from Winthrop in the Virgin Islands after seeing his team play three games in the Paradise Jam last season. He's a smart guy who will be moving on to a big-time program whenever he manages to get hot at the right time of the season. Plus, Winthrop is actually good having won by 7 at Marquette and losing by only 3 at Alabama. For the record UT lost at Alabama by 13. But picking against the Vols would be akin to having voluntary sex with Starr Jones. Incidentally a reader sent me this link, which quotes from and links to my column endorsement of Bruce Pearl as Coach of the Year. I think that sound is the Four Horsemen climbing onto their mounts. Vols advance.

Bruce Pearl reacts to Clay's advancing him on in the deadlyhippos bracket.

Minneapolis Region

Villanova over either Hampton or Monmouth- There's not much to say here except I'm rooting for Monmouth to win because of all the mouth puns that would be featured in ensuing headlines. My personal favorite, "Shut your monMouth."

Arizona over Wisconsin- This is personal. Wisconsin plays basketball like if someone scores on you they get to sleep with your mother. While this is admirable if your mom is, say, Jennifer Garner, most people don't really want to sleep with your mother and playing basketball in this way is really boring to watch. Plus, Wisconsin has the worst loss of the season to North Dakota State. If you lose to North Dakota State, it seems possible that Wisconsin could truly lose to anyone. Arizona advances.

Nevada over Montana- Ever since I saw Nevada's Nick Fazekas get into a cursing match during the handshakes after his team's win over Kansas, I've been a fan. Nevada advances.

Boston College over Pacific- Naming a school after an ocean makes naming a school after a geographic region seem downright humble. It also raises the intriguing question of how to decide between an ocean and a city. I'm going city. Boston College advances.

Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Oklahoma- Remember how Oklahoma won four games in a row by one-point? I happen to think they just got lucky and aren't really that good. I realize this flies in the face of my Milwaukee screed from earlier but rules are made to be broken. Plus, Wisconsin-Milwaukee had the guts to hire Bruce Pearl and let him coach for several years. That's already paid off for both parties, here's betting it pays off further, Wisconsin-Milwaukee advances.

Florida over South Alabama- Florida has as much talent as any team in the tournament. And as much as I hate Joakim Noah, I feel like he's going to last a couple of rounds so I can further cement my hate. Florida advances.

Fear not Joakim, I still hate you.

Northern Iowa over Georgetown- This pick is entirely out of spite and directed at my friend Demko. Also it seems every one of Georgetown's games is decided by six or fewer points. Northern Iowa will stay close and make Double Hoya Demko cry himself to sleep on Friday night. Northern Iowa advances.

This is not actually my friend Demko, but it is someone named Bobby Demko. Presumably this man is the black sheep of the Demko clan..though give him a hand on that stellar soul patch.

Ohio State over Davidson- Davidson is such a small school that if you want to play football for the team, you can. I know this because I considered attending Davidson before I decided I would be tempted to try out and potentially die on a crossing route. Somehow, I feel like participation in Ohio State's athletic programs are more restricted. Ohio State advances.

Check back on Friday for completion of the bracket.

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