I saw Flavor Flav in a Viking helmet.

Nothing will grab my attention faster than this image

I had tuned in just in time for the beginning of a marathon of “The Flavor of Love”, Flav’s new reality show with a bachelor style format where 20 women are vying for his love and affection.  You read that correctly, 20 women fighting for Flavor Flav’s love and affection.  If you haven’t seen or heard Flav lately, he is absolutely indescribable. The best I can do is mention that he still wears the trademark gigantic clocks around his neck (because Flav always knows what time it is) and occasionally dons the random Viking helmet or top hat while speaking in his own mutation of the English language that only he and our President can fully understand.

There are a few things that fascinate me about this show.  The first being Flav’s rise to superstardom in the reality TV world.  Seriously, who could have possibly seen this coming?  You can’t tell me that back in 1989 someone was listening to their Public Enemy cd, heard Flav on 911 is a Joke, and thought, “Give this guy 15 years and he’ll have his own dating show!”  I only wish I had paid closer attention to “Strange Love” his last reality show with Brigitte Nielson.  I wonder if 10 years ago Flav walked up to Sylvester Stallone one day and said something like, “I’ma be real wichu man… One day I’ma take ya girl and make a reality show about it son!  YEEEEAAAA BOOOOY!!!  FLAVA FLAAAAAAAV!!!!!!!!”

Brigitte actually came onto the Flavor of Love in the 6^th episode to give all of the remaining girls a lie detector test.  The best way to describe her now would be “nightmarishly scary”.

Flav and Brigitte, a match made in comedy heaven

The second thing that amazes me about this is that Flav is 47 years old.  47 years old!?!?!  This can’t be right.  If that is true then this show is like watching your dad have 20 hot 18-25 year old girls fighting over who gets to bone him.  Only your dad would have to be certifiably insane, extremely rich, religiously refer to himself in the third person, and consistently wear Viking helmets as common everyday attire.

The third thing that just blows me away about this show is that there are actually 20 women out there that would be willing to be on this show.  And that they actually aren’t induced to violent vomit fits every time that Flav kisses them.  Not only do they return his kisses but it appears as though at least 3 of them have possibly had sex with him.  It’s not like these girls look like your everyday skanky women (aka “hoodrats”) that you would assume would be involved with a show like this.  Some of them are actually really hot, and they are vying with other hot women for Flavor Flav’s affection.  I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.  One of my favorite parts of this show is that Flav just gave all the girls nicknames because he realized there was no possible way he could remember all of their real names.  Here are a few:

Pumkin – The blonde haired blue eyed white girl who “hasn’t ever hung out with a lot of black people”.  She now integrates the word “girl” into her vernacular on a regular basis, as in – “How do you get your hair straight girl?”

Pumkin does her mother proud by boning Flav in the shower

Hottie – She is a habitual liar, a bit “big boned”, and her eyes are so bulgy they look like they are about to be launched from her skull like a Juggs pitching machine.  She also the epitome of the term gold digger and openly admits to it.  However, when Flav calls her out about her money grubbing ways she categorically denies it.  Like I said, she lies.

Hottie (on the right) – not an appropriate nickname

New York – She is the angry black woman stereotype in the flesh.  This chick is scary.  This one could be a serious Fatal Attraction type for Flav.  She claims to be deeply in love with Flav, wants to marry him, and talks about “what a beautiful soul” he has and that “when we made love we made music”.  She is unbelievably jealous of all of the other women because they are taking time away from her and her man.  She is 100% batshit crazy.

Get your hands of my man bitch!

Hoopz – Far and away the hottest girl on the show, and probably the most normal.  Which leaves me utterly confused as to why she is even on this show.  It is completely mind-boggling.

Why Hoopz?  For the love of God why?

Smiley – Another incredibly hot girl who we find out during the lie detector test that once upon a time she was a stripper (GASP!).  Who would have thought such a girl would make her way to this show.  She got the boot when Flav found out that she is still in love with her ex-husband, because Flav is in this for love people, and nothing else.  Check out Smiley’s MySpace page for more pics.

Shockingly, she turned out to be a stripper

The season finale of the show airs on Sunday and I cannot stress enough that you should be tuning in to this glorious spectacle. Here is a sample of why; In the last episode, a heated elimination round ended with Pumkin spitting on New York’s face, followed by New York grabbing Pumkin’s hair and throwing her headfirst into one of the cameras.  This moment very well may have been the apex of reality TV.  I must have replayed this scene at least a dozen times and it gets funnier and funnier.  I can’t think of anything more disrespectful than spitting in another person’s face.  This would be the basketball equivalent of Vince Carter’s dunk on Frederic Weiss, or the sex equivalent of the Dirty Sanchez, just one of those things that you don’t do to another person. 

New York, seconds before receiving a facial spit-shine from Pumkin

So is The Flavor of Love the greatest show ever?  Only time will tell.  I definitely believe that this will go down as the peak of reality TV.  A show with the perfect combination of an incredibly bizarre central character, just the right amount of psychotic contestants, an off the charts amount of unintentional comedy, with a sprinkle of partial nudity to put it over the top.  Basically the perfect storm of reality TV.   Never again will we see something on this level.  So make sure you are there on Sunday to witness how it all ends.  I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that even our resident self-loathist SHAW could find a moment of happiness while watching this show.  Just kidding.

FLAVA FLAAAAAAAAAV!!!