Right now, I am less popular in Europe than George W. Bush. Based on the e-mail I've received from Europeans, you would have thought I just invaded Poland. Ever since I had the absolute gall and temerity to state that I hated the Winter Olympics, my name has become mud.

Every Boris, Ivan and Yuri on the planet seems to have taken personal offense to my description of the Winter Olympic events. Some people even think I hate penguins. That's character assassination if I've ever heard it. So in an effort to make amends and reach across the Atlantic divide, I decided to watch the women's long skating competition and experience the majesty and pageantry, the august dalliance between ice and skate, and the tantalizing glimpses of exposed flesh. But then I got sidetracked.

First, I read an article in the New York Times about why ice skating is even possible. This threw me for a complete loop. How in the world have we not figured out what causes ice to be slippery? According to the article, there are three theories that have yet to be proven that might explain why ice is slippery. Yep, three of them. And I'm supposed to believe that we have cracked the human genome?

Now I'm worried what other things I thought were really evident aren't really evident at all. For instance, are there really some clouds that are thick enough to stand on? Could we have just missed heaven? For a time, I even considered that this might be some New York Times prank designed by new advertiser Ali G.

Just as I sat down to see if Sasha Cohen could become the first person to ever win a gold medal in women's ice skating since all the way back in 2002, my mind suddenly got wrapped up in the absurd coincidence of two entirely dissimilar individuals sharing the same name. And then, instead of watching Sasha Cohen at the Winter Olympics, I watched Sacha Baron Cohen in old episodes of Da Ali G Show.

I can't be the only person who keeps hoping Sacha Baron Cohen has pulled the ultimate Ali G prank every time the name Sasha Cohen is uttered in the Winter Olympics. In fact, the few minutes of Winter Olympics coverage I have watched were spoiled when Baron didn't come onto the ice after Sasha Cohen's name was announced. I was hoping Baron was going to skate to a wonderful medley of Wu-Tang songs replete with triple axles and crotch grabs. I think Dick Button would have swallowed his microphone.

Seriously, what would the Olympic rules require if just for a moment the two Cohens had conspired and when the skating Sasha was announced, Ali G had come out of that little swinging door wearing a Speedo and golden-bladed ice skates encrusted in diamond studs?

Is this even forbidden? Has anyone ever tried the bait-and-switch just for laughs at the Olympics? This has to be a better situation for Baron Cohen than continuing for the remainder of his career while sharing a name with a cute white girl.

I guarantee you Baron Cohen's agent was rooting for Sasha to fall. It seems like there could be an entire movie in this for Baron Cohen when, after all his hard work, he tries to come to grips with being confused with a 5-2, 100-pound American girl. In fact, Wikipedia already has this language above Sasha Cohen's entry, "This article is about Sasha Cohen, a figure skater. For the British comedian, see Sacha Baron Cohen."

But in an effort to solidify my standing as the most hated Winter Olympics columnist in all of Europe, I decided instead of actually watching the long skating competition it would make perfect sense to instead analyze the relative merits each Cohen held to their common name. In the process, I also decided I would reward the ClayNation title of Cohen Supremacy.

In the interest of full disclosure and also to maintain my absolute journalistic credibility, I have no connection to either of the Cohens. Without further ado, here goes with Sacha Baron Cohen known as "Baron" and Sasha Cohen known conveniently as "Sasha" for Cohen Supremacy:

1. THE EUROPEAN CONNECTION
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Baron Cohen is British. Also, a portion of Kazakhstan is in Europe.	Sasha has a Ukrainian mother.
EDGE: BARON COHEN
If this seems like pandering to European readers, that is because it is most definitely pandering. This is because when Dick Cheney resigns, I want to maintain my position on George W. Bush's short list of vice-presidential replacements. Incidentally, I am currently No. 458. CBS announcer Verne Lundquist is a deserving No. 3.
2. WEST-SIDE STREET CRED
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Baron Cohen often flashes "West Side" signals during television taping.	Sasha resides in California.
EDGE: SASHA
You just can't fake when someone is keepin' it real.
3. HEADWEAR
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Baron Cohen wear skullcaps.	Sasha wears American berets.
EDGE: BARON COHEN
It is [sic.] an unwritten Deadly Hippos rule that when berets are put up against any hat this side of President Lincoln's top hat, the beret loses. [ed: was should be inserted above for obvious reasons]
4. DEFINITION OF ICE
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
(n) Diamonds or more generally jewelry.	(n) Frozen water.
EDGE: BARON COHEN
5. BLINGING OUTFITS
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Jumpsuits of many colors.	Skating outfits of many colors.
EDGE: SASHA
Even though the short form skating outfit that Sasha Cohen wore looked like my sister's third-grade tap dancing recital outfit, she could have skated in a garbage bag and still looked better than Baron.
6. GROUPIES
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Fat women in spandex.	Lots of Moms ... and every teenage male in America.
EDGE: SASHA
Another Deadly Hippos rule is that fat women in spandex lose to everyone but fat men in spandex.
7. LIKELIHOOD THAT EITHER KNOWS THE LYRICS TO LAFFY TAFFY
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Better than 50 percent.	Better than 50 percent.
EDGE: PUSH
8. NOTABLE FEUDS
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
Entire country of Kazakhstan.	Michelle Kwan.
EDGE: BARON COHEN
Trust me, any time one person can get a feud going with an entire country it deserves mad respect, yo.
9. MEDALS
Sacha Baron Cohen	Sasha Cohen
"World's Best Grandson" medal received from his Nan.	Silver medal in women's figure skating.
EDGE: SASHA