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The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament: Elite Eight Special
03/31/06
by The Staff of Deadly Hippos

To refresh your memory:
Tournament roundup Pt. I
Tournament roundup Pt. II
Tournament roundup Pt. III
Tournament roundup Pt. IV
Tournament roundup Pt. V

West Summary
by Staff Reporter DJ

First let's look at the top half of the bracket and how they got here. In the most recent games, top seeded Hooch beat the lowly bottom seeded Alf, as expected. The match at first was close, as Alf used his overall weird and freakish nature to confuse the canine. Alf distracted him by throwing bones around the steel cage, and at one point even getting Hooch to chase his tail in an attempt to tire him out. This nearly worked, until Hooch mistook Alf's nose for a Naugahyde flavored pig snout and chomped on it, cause the alien to scream other world obscenities. This nearly caused a tap out, but Alf dug deeper, striking Hooch with a "low blow" while screaming, "I smite thine space marbles!" that sent the pooch careening into the steel mesh, howling in pain. Hooch, amidst a frenzy or drool and jowls, set upon Alf, nearly ripping him to shreds like an old sock. The ref raised his arm in victory as Hooch tore off Alf's arm and beat it against the mat, which is technically a tap out. As Alf lay there, slowly slipping into shock in a shroud of paramedics, Hooch calmly walked over, lifted his leg, and urinated on him, marking his territory and further cementing him in Steel Cage lore as a savage opponent. Do not be surprised if he takes home the crown.

The strangest match of the day, fifth seeded Tramp took on fourth seeded Shamu. Since Shamu needed to stay wet, sprinklers were set up inside the cage, as Shamu lay prone in a hammock to support his massive weight. Tramp showed how he got here, displaying his unprecedented knowledge of the game. With a sly wink to his bitch in the crowd, Lady, he jumped on top of the immobile mammal and humped his blowhole while muttering, "Free this Willy!!", then assumed the position and pooped in the orifice, suffocating the gargantuan beast where he lay. The whole match was over in 3 minutes. When interviewed after the game, Tramp said, "I'm from the streets son, I do what I gots to do , yah mean?"

This sets up an all dog top half of the bracket, as Hooch will take on Tramp in what will surely be on of the best matchups in recent memory. The early favorite is Hooch, but don't underestimate Tramp because as he puts it, "Tha streets is watchin'". These two actually have a history, with Hooch being a police dog and Tramp being a petty crook. Several years back they had a dust up which left the two bitter enemies ever since. Adding fuel to the fire is the rumor that Tramp supposedly stole Lady from Hooch. Tramp added, "You know tha name of tha game Hooch, yo' bitch chose me! We can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some gangsta shit!!" To which Hooch replied, "Roof, Ruff, Bark!!", which of course needs no translation. Choice words indeed. Suffice to say, there is no love lost between the two.

The bottom half of the bracket is an all feline affair, Lorenzo, The 27's cat, against Cartman's cat. Lorenzo defeated Mister Ed handily in the first round, giving Mr. Ed the dubious title of having the most Imaginary Tourney losses of all time with two. Mr. Ed suffered a splintered hoof in the first round after a particularly vicious submission hold by Lorenzo. The 27, unfazed by the brutality of the borderline illegal hold, remained steel jawed and stoic in Lorenzo's corner, but was over heard by ringside officials instructing Lorenzo to "Win a point, lose a point" Cobra Kai style to inflict as much damage as possible to the aging equine.

Cartman's cat flew past Simba in the biggest upset of the tourney. Some say Cartman's cat was high on catnip, but the pundits say he was high on confidence. Simba on the other hand, had some issues with his "Circle of Life". Rumors that he had been cheating on his wife with the zebra who lives on the other side of the jungle proved to be too much of a distraction, as the two women were sitting next to each othe r at the match, arms crossed, looking extremely pissed off. Cartman's cat took advantage, and struck at the right time, pinning the King and hog-tying him with his own tail.

While the two cats have never met, this could turn into a licking and preening match. The two have agreed to cease all use of catnip and catnip related paraphernalia prior to the match to keep it even. But some say this takes away from the showmanship, as the two may just end up napping and stretching all day. But that my friends, is why they play the games.

So the Western Bracket's final four have been set with Hooch, Tramp, Lorenzo The 27's cat, and Cartman's cat. Combining with the Eastern Bracket's final four of Bart the Bear, Battle Cat, Vincent from Lost, and Spuds Mckenzie, we have a potent Elite Eight. This tourney is still wide open Animal Cage Steel Tourney fans, so get out there and vote....

East Summary
by Staff Reporter JT

The Eastern half of the bracket went pretty much the way most experts thought it would.

In the 1-8 matchup, Bart the Bear took on the Penguin from March of the Penguins. Bart had recently come out of hibernation early in order to fight in this tournament and he was more than a little hungry. As the bell rang he roared at a decibal level he had not reached since his movie The Bear when he had the hunter cornered on the cliff face. Unfazed the Penguin slowly waddled towards Bart with a steely determination that can only come from years of surviving the Antarctic winters. Then, in one swift move, Bart the Bear quickly bit the penguin in half, a lonely flipper bouncing on the canvas to signal the tapout was all that was left of him. It was over before it started, much like Kevin Federline's rap career. Bart the Bear advances.

In the 4 vs 5 seed battle, Slowpoke Rodriguez and Cringer / Battlecat had a showdown for the ages. When the bell rang Cringer was in no mood to fight. He repeatedly tried to cuddle with Slowpoke as he was busy trying to roll a joint. Slowpoke could only take so much of this before his weed craving got the best of him and he pulled out his .38 and plugged Cringer directly in the shoulder sending the giant green cat careening into his corner. Slowpoke then slowly lowered the barrel of his gun saying, "who you trying to get crazy with essay?" Lying in his corner Clinger's manager He-Man, dressed only in a loin cloth, slowly mounted Clinger to check his wound. Slowpoke's .38 rang out again, this time hitting He-Man causing him to fall ass first directly on Clinger's muzzle. This bit of homo-eroticism sparked Clingers rapid trasformation into the Battlecat. With a roar of uncontrolled rage Battlecat sprang at Slowpoke and in a flash of razorsharp claws and teeth, Slo wpoke was ripped to shreds, leaving nothing but a slowly rising cloud of blunt smoke. Battlecat / Cringer moved on to face Bart the Bear in the Elite 8.

This sets up a potential battle of powerhouses to reach the Final 4. The matchup will weigh heavily upon how quickly both Cringer / Battlecat and He-Man's gunshot wounds can heal. WIth the cat needing full mobility in his shoulder to have a chance with the bear as well as needing his manager He-Man to stay as scantily clad as possible. There is no telling if He-Man's bandaged ass will be enough to arouse Clinger enough to transform into Battlecat. Bart the Bear remains unfazed simply saying, "The penguin was just a snack... I want a full meal!" He was then distracted as he scratched his back on a redwood tree for the next 45 minutes.

In the lower half of the bracket:

If you thought the UCLA vs. Memp his game was boring, then you should thank the good Lord that you weren't able to see the Marcel the Monkey vs. Vincent from Lost matchup in the 3-6 battle (The fight was only televised in Marcel's hometown of Madagascar and on the island that the cast from Lost crashed on). The only action in the first 30 minutes of the fight included Marcel humping every single ringpost and Vincent chasing his tail for a few minutes before lying down and gnawing on the lower rope. Action picked up when Marcel pooped in his hand and threw it in the direction of Vincent. Seeing the poo flying through the air Vincent believed the feces to be a stick and picked it up to bring it back to the voracious monkey. This frightened Marcel resulting in him climbing to the top of the steel cage... where he quickly began humping one of the bars. The monkey, in the throws of passion, lost his grip on the steel bar and crashed to the canvas rendering him unconscious . Vincent then trotted over to the monkey's body, gave it a quick sniff, and peed directly on Marcel. The referee then mercifully called the fight as this was clearly a sign of domination.

The final matchup of the Eastern Region pitted #2 seed Spuds McKenzie vs. #7 seed Rimshot from Ernest Scared Stupid. Rimshot was eager to prove that he belonged in this tournament and wasn't selected simply because of his friendship with Deadly Hippos correspondent DJ, whom "starred" in the same movie as Rimshot. Unfortunately, he also saw this as an opportunity to resurrect his dead movie career and show his range as an animal actor. As Rimshot slowly paced the canvas, wearing a cape and spouting lines from Hamlet, in the corner Spuds McKenzie was slowly fuming. His DMX style growl began to slowly exhale through the teeth of his snarl and he slowly got off the lap of a bikini clad supermodel. He then drank some whiskey from a dogbowl strategically placed in his corner (he has long since moved on to stronger alcohol than the copious amounts of Bud Light he once consumed) and attacked with a vengence. Rimshot is not a fighter and he entered this tournament for the wrong reasons, Spuds on the other hand, is a seasoned gladiator from years of drunken bar brawls. Within seconds Spuds was on Rimshot just as he was finishing Hamlet's second soliloquy and clamped down on the jugular spraying blood everywhere. With a bite force of over 2000 psi Rimshot was dead before he knew what happened. Spuds then turned to the camera blood dripping from his mawl and began barking DMX style. A message clearly directed at his next opponent Vincent from Lost. Message received Spuds McKenzie... message most definitely received.

The Canine Conference is once again dominating the tournament. With half of the remaining eight and a guar anteed 2 of the final 4, the CC is once again proving that it is the strongest conference in celebrity animal cage fighting. That said, Vincent doesn't seem to stand much of a chance against the heavily favored Spuds McKenzie in the next round. Vincent's only hope is that Spuds will party too much before their fight as he was last seen heading to a Victoria's Secret pool party with the Swedish Bikini Team. Don't count on it Vincent, Spuds has often been called the Babe Ruth of celebrity animal cage matches. Look for another easy win for the partying Pitbull sending him straight to the Final 4.

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