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The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament continues
03/28/06
by The Staff of Deadly Hippos
To refresh your memory:
Tournament roundup Pt. I
Tournament roundup Pt. II
Tournament roundup Pt. III
Tournament roundup Pt. IV
At long last, the tournament field is complete. Hooch and Alf will face off in the first round, followed by Tramp of Lady and the Tramp fame vs. Shamu, the massive crowd-pleasing orca.
Hooch, of Turner and Hooch (1 seed)
by JT
SOS (Strength of Species): High. Hooch is a French Mastiff which most likely means he can kick your dog’s ass.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Medium. In the movie Turner and Hooch, Hooch never seemed to be too preoccupied with getting ass. However, by the end of the movie he had knocked up some lady and there are several bastard puppies running around Tom Hanks’ house. Plus, having starred in a movie, Hooch probably could have boned any bitch in Hollywood trying to further her career.
Hooch has to be a favorite in this tournament. With a panache for destruction, copious amounts of slobber, a Hoganesque physique, and experience in law enforcement, Hooch’s enemies have much to fear. Many believe that Hooch may have lost a step. After starring in only one movie then disappearing from the Hollywood scene resulting in a delve into a Def Leopard like drug period, one can see why the doubts would surround the giant Mastiff. Don’t be so quick to count him out though. Much like Kiefer Sutherland, Hooch has rebounded from his problems with early success and is now consumed with a steely resolve rarely seen in the animal kingdom. Hooch has seen the bottom, and he is not going back. Plus, his ability to disarm his adversaries as well as take a bullet may prove useful in a tournament such as this.
Alf (8 seed)
by Shaw
SOS (strength of species): Low--what the hell is he? It's clear that he's an Alien Life Form, but not much is known about Alf's species except that they have a terrible sense of humor and eat cats. Since physical strength is paramount in this tournament, don't look for Alf to outperform any of the larger animals involved here.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Low. Despite his flirtatious moments on the show and his Hef-like appearance in this smoking jacket, it is not clear that Alf is even capable of reproducing, especially since there is no one else of his species on this planet.
While Alf may talk a big game, don't look for him to upset Hooch in this tournament. Hooch has a long history of ripping drug dealers to shreds with his teeth and has an impressive vertical leap--Alf specializes in talking. Also a factor is Alf's irrational fear of water. Hooch specializes in keeping a healthy drool going, which could really hurt Alf if it gets close to a face.
Expect this alien freak to go out in the first round. However, if by some miracle Alf makes it to the third round, he will face either Cartman's cat or Lorenzo, also a cat. This matchup would be tipped in Alf's favor given his killer instinct for cats. Look for Alf to go home early.
Tramp, of Lady and the Tramp (5 seed)
by Clay
SOS: Cartoon dogs are not renowned for their fearlessness, but then again Tramp might be the only dog in the history of cartoons to be jumped by a gang of dogs in a back alley and survive. So in my book that makes Tramp the toughest dog in the history of the cartoon universe.
RPI: Have you seen Lady? Plus, I think his boys can swim because my recollection of the end of the movie is that Lady and the Tramp have puppies.
Lady...in case you haven't seen her.
Outlook: Tramp is a father. In my experience at the office this means he will work the longest hours, take the thankless jobs, and forgo mass quantities of free beer. All because he has a legitimate family to provide for. Seriously, does anyone else in this tournament have offspring that are relying upon them? In my mind this makes a ton of difference. Tramp is going to do whatever it takes to survive and conquer. Don't let that sensitive kissing after the spaghetti string runs out move fool you. When I think stone cold killa, I think Tramp.
Shamu (4 seed)
by Shaw
SOS: High (in water)/Low (out of water). The duality of this ranking is key here, as the orca is one of the most capable hunters in the ocean, striking fear into fish everywhere, and certainly one of the toughest whale species around. However, as the tournament takes place on dry land, we should investigate his dry land skills as well. Shamu is a mammal, which makes him able to breathe out of water, but his skin needs to be wet all of the time. He also loses nearly all of his maneuvering capabilities on dry land, as he lacks legs.
RPI: High. Not only is Shamu a fierce competitor for female affections, but he is a superstar, the Brad Pitt of orca everywhere. His gymnastic tricks and pandering to human wishes have engendered rumors that he is gay, but an orca trainer who did not want her name revealed her has told Deadly Hippos that she spied Shamu and three of the female orcas hiding in an underwater den having a foursome last week, so it looks like his hetero desires are strong.
Shamu's seeding is certainly generous, given that he should only survive out of water for a short time before he gives in to shock and exhaustion. While his size is certainly an advantage, I don't think he stands much of a chance in this steel cage match.
So there you have it. You will find links to vote for the winners on the top right. Get to it. VOTE.
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