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The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament continues
03/27/06
by The Staff of Deadly Hippos

To refresh your memory:
Tournament roundup Pt. I
Tournament roundup Pt. II
Tournament roundup Pt. III

Well, it appears that the Imaginary Celebrity Animal Steel Cage tournament has started to resemble the NCAA with upsets and last-minute lead changes. In case you hadn't heard, George Mason University is in the Final Four (not the Celebrity Animal Tourney Final Four, the basketball one). This is a school that used to be considered a joke to GW fans, and that's saying something.

Last night, a last-minute voting surge pushed Cartman's cat up to 51%, nudging him/her/it past Simba in a real Shocker. Immediately after the loss, Simba was spotted running away from the arena and heading toward a dark distant barren region of the jungle muttering "Hakuna Matata" under his breath. His personal trainer and manager Zazu, a colorful tropical bird, called a press conference, but no one showed up. The consensus among local press was that Zazu was a sorry windbag and did not trust him to speak for the lion. This reporter was busy trying to get a one-on-one with noted soothsayer and fortune-telling baboon Rafiki, but he appeared to be busy inscribing heiroglyphics into a tree with some kind of red dye and would not heed requests for comment.

Cartman's cat was hospitalized after the match for a bizarre injury. He sustained multiple fur burns when one of his entourage (sources say his name was Kenny) was murdered with a flamethrower directly outside of the amphitheatre. He is said to be in stable condition and should be ready to compete in the his match.

Also winning in a surprise upset last night was Lorenzo, the 27's cat. Lorenzo got out to an early lead and never led by less than 5. This match seemed to confirm what many of the tournament's loyal fans were saying--that Mr. Ed was receiving preferential treatment and a higher seeding for his hefty donations to ALPO, whose chairman was on the seeding committee. This raised red flags to some because ALPO doesn't even make horse food.

Preliminary analysis suggests that these upsets were tied to the voters' disappointment at seeing the first round in the East go exactly according to the seeding. However, some experts disagree. Animal Cage Match Specialist and noted newly bald really annoying pseudo-celebrity Howie Mandel (of Walk Like a Man, Bobby's World, and, more recently, Deal or No Deal) had this to say on Sunday afternoon [like most comedians who have done children's shows, Mandel is fond of using foul language outside of the studio--his language was edited to be appropriate for this audience]:

Dude. Suck my d&#$, you bitches! Did you watch the f#@&king matches? There were no upsets here, plain and simple: the cats were really small. Those little pu$$ies were really small, and one of them was fighting a lion, which is just another big pu$$y anyway, and one was fighting a jackass. The goal of the match was to get out of the steel cage. They could just walk out. Like when I was in Walk Like a Man and I had to pretend I was raised by wolves, I went out into the woods and let the wolves f&#% me. That's just how it works. Ahr ahr arroooooooo!

West Regional Tournament officials were quick to denounce Mandel's analysis as nonsense, but it has been reported that there will be screens on the lower rungs of the cage in the second round.

In the East, scheduling conflicts have caused the second-round matches to be pushed back. As it turned out, the Atlantic City, NJ arena which was set to host the second round had double booked their steel cage for the WWE's Wrestlemania XXIV and was unable to construct another one once they realized their mistake. The West looks clear, and Lorenzo is set to meet Cartman's cat later this week.

As for the rest of the West, the tournament field has finally been announced in its entirety. Las Vegas oddsmakers have been working around the clock to get the numbers on the final two first round matches, and we here at Deadly Hippos are working on analyzing the participants as well. Look for information to be given out and voting to begin Tuesday.

Until then,

Go Patriots. [This is not the official position of the DH staff as the 27 is a graduate of Florida. So is Howie Mandel.]

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