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The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament continues
03/21/06
by The Staff of Deadly Hippos
To refresh your memory:
Tournament roundup Pt. I
Tournament roundup Pt. II
In the way of news, the results of the first four matches in the Eastern Region have been finalized, with scores given as voting percentiles. As you can see, some of the matches have been close. But it looks like our voters have been tired of the way the NCAA tournament has been going so far, and there have been no upsets. While this might lead some to label the first round as unexciting, the tournament chair has been quick to point out that this is really a victory for the seeding committee. The Tournament's official spokesperson, Little Cæsar, had this to say in his press conference immediately following the announcement of the results:
Pizza pizza. We are very pleased to note that the animals performed exactly the way we expected them to. The committee put long hours and intense research into compiling stats for each of the 8 performers. We consulted RPI and SOC, but didn't go strictly by the numbers; in some cases we gave a higher seed to an animal that might not have had a great species index but who we felt had the potential to do some real damage despite not having been tested. While no one can be expected to predict exactly what will happen in a given steel cage match, we do the best job we can at determining who should win based on all the factors involved. Pizza pizza.
Tournament spokesman Little Cæsar poses for a picture picture with a fan.
With the first round of play completed, DH is ready to present the bottom half of the Western Bracket. As usual, our staff has done some preliminary analysis for the bracket so far, which you will find below. Once you have your picks, let the voting begin! You can find the applet to vote for your winners on the top right side of this page.
Lorenzo (The 27's cat) (6 seed)
by the 27
SOS (Strength of Species): Last Friday night during a Dinner and a Movie commercial, Lorenzo the Cat – a house cat, or feline domesticus, as it may very well be termed in Latin – displayed above average strength when engaged in a spirited match of tug-of-war with my sock, only relenting when repeatedly kicked in the face. Moreover, he has not been de-clawed, rendering his pouncing sneak attacks from behind the couch upon my unsuspecting calves especially effective. Lorenzo has petitioned for a couch to be placed in any death match arena. 3 out of 10.
Cute? or Scary? Mr. Ed will soon know.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Lorenzo is, unfortunately, impotent, his genitalia having been neutralized by my command at an early age. However, Lorenzo can jump onto the refrigerator from the kitchen counter, despite being incredibly fat. 2 out of 10 courtesy points for refrigerator jumping.
Prognosis: Lorenzo has never formally participated in any organized combat-till-death animal tournaments. At least, that is what the people at the humane society told me. Notwithstanding his complete lack of tournament experience and reproductive ability, Lorenzo the Cat comes equipped with a fully functional, football helmet, which provides him with a distinct advantage over the rest of the grossly unprotected field. If he does not first fall asleep, beg for food, or lovingly lick his opponents' faces, Lorenzo has an excellent chance of making it deep into the tournament.
CARTMAN’S CAT aka Mr. Kitty (7 seed)
by JT
SOS (strength of species): Low. She is a common house cat. That puts her somewhere
below a mynx yet ahead of a toy poodle.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Off the charts. The one South Park episode with
Cartman’s cat receiving a featured role was during the Cat Orgy episode in which,
while in heat, Mr. Kitty seduces all of the neighborhood cats over to the empty
Cartman household, gets them wasted off catnip and proceeds to have a cat orgy
that would make Kobe Tai squeamish.
Cartman’s cat is an up and down competitor, which makes her equivalent to the Syracuse Orangemen of this tournament. How well she does will depend on which Mr. Kitty shows up to fight. Will it be the enraged Mr. Kitty, whom after years of verbal and physical abuse at the hands of her owner Cartman, finally snaps and unleashes all of that caged fury upon her opponent? Or will the other Mr. Kitty show up? The one who’s only concern is getting high off catnip and banging every animal in a 10 mile radius. She was also voiced by Jay Leno, which may mean that she can take a punch due to a strong chin, and she will have the ability to bore her opponents to a state of near death via opening monologue, before closing in for the fatal blow. Only time will tell.
First Google Image result for "Mr. Kitty"
Mr. Ed (3 seed)
By KWo
SOS (Strength of Species): Average. Palomino horses are physically gifted, but not traditionally bred for cage-fighting.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): High. Proportions of the equine genitalia are well-documented and, since this is a family-oriented website, will not be explained here. Suffice to say Mr. Ed has been accused of having 5 legs on a number of occasions.
Mr. Ed returns to do battle on the Deadly Hippos website after a stunning first round loss to Prince Charles in last year’s Imaginary Celebrity Ping Pong Championship. He blames last year’s disappointment primarily on his lack of arms and/or hands, but likes his chances in this year’s steel cage matchup where kicking, biting, and donkey punching are not only allowed but encouraged. Born in 1949, Mr. Ed is 27 years older than the oldest horse in the history of the world. Yet what some see as a horse past his cage-fighting prime, Mr. Ed prefers to think of as “experience”. He has vowed to use every dirty trick in the book to avenge last year’s loss, and hopes a championship in the steel cage tournament will raise awareness of the discrimination in Hollywood that continues to exclude talking horses from most major films.
Simba (2 seed)
by Shaw
Clay really wanted, nay insisted, that I write this because of our long history together (not Clay and mine, my history with SIMBA). It is Clay's hardy insistence that has finally broken my silence on a sensitive subject that plagued me for much of my young adult life. I am admitting this in such a public forum because I hope it will inspire others with the same problem to come out and confess too: I am a Former Huge Lion King Fan (FHLKF). That's right. I ownThe Lion King on VHS, the soundtrack on CD, several Lion King mugs and cups, a Lion King shirt, a Lion King twin sheet set, Lion King hand towel, and perhaps most frightening, all of the Lion King toys from Burger King. The reason this one is most frightening is that I don't eat at Burger King. I won't say that I am completely cured, but it has been 10 years since my last Lion King-related purchase. That said, on with the analysis.
SOS (Strength of Species): The lion is known among all creatures of the plains of Africa as the King of the Jungle. While this position is perhaps warranted based on pure physical prowess, it should be noted that in a typical situation, the female lion is the one that does all the hunting, which puts Simba at a medium high (7/10) SOS.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Lions typically have a litter of several kittens at a time, but boosting the RPI is that a male lion can impregnate more than one female at a time, and often does, taking more than one mate in a season. 7/10.
Simba is the king of the Pridelands, and he exercises authority over all the land that the light touches. While he suffered through a terrible power struggle with his uncle, Scar, he survived the encounter a stronger lion, and more importantly, Scar was killed during the battle, leaving Simba without a rival for the throne. As a lion, I expect he will not have much trouble defeating any species that is comparable to him in size. He might have trouble dispatching a much larger animal due to his limited vertical jump, and similarly, a smaller animal would have a physical advantage akin to Luke and R2D2's domination of the AT-AT walkers in The Empire Strikes Back (once I have admitted my Lion King love, I may as well reference Star Wars). I expect him to do very well in this tournament, with no significant challenge in the West bracket, despite the 2 seed.
So get to it. VOTE.
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