 |
 |
 |
| previous column | next column |
The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament continues
03/16/06
by The Staff of Deadly Hippos
We are nearing completion of a deadlyhippos book that will quite simply redefine the history of literature. If, as is recorded in some history books, Abraham Lincoln once remarked to Uncle Tom's Cabin author Harriet Beecher Stowe, "So you're the little lady who started this big war?" [ed: True fact: columnist and webmaster Shaw is actually a direct descendent of Harriet Beecher Stowe.] Were Lincoln to meet the deadlyhippos he would likely remark after a long pull on his beard, "So you're the homies who are telling men what is to be men?" Put quite simply, we've written a book that is every bit as jarring to the cultural consciousness as Harriet Beecher Stowe's take on slavery. She brought America the Civil War which eventually ended slavery. We aspire to do no less. We want to be the little men who started a huge cultural revolution and returned men to their rightful place in society as men...instead of women with penises. And so, readers of hippo land it is with great pleasure that weannounce the soon to be published, Maniquette: (suitable subtitle forthcoming). We'll continue to release details and excerpts from the book as our publication date nears, but suffice it to say, you will be entertained... and if not, the book can double as a handy beer coaster.
With that in mind, our final book cover design preparations are occuring. Rather than leave the regal and noble hippo alone on the cover of our book, we have decided to join him with a fellow member of the animal kingdom. And because we trust our readers so much, we have decided to let you select for us who should be the accompanying figure. We have made this decision because the hippo brain trust believed that pairing the hippo with Oprah would likely lead to a lawsuit and everyone is afraid of Oprah and her lawyers. So with that in mind today we release four contestants for the everlasting glory incarnate in being included on the cover of a book that is likely to sell literally dozens of copies. This competition is designed to be a steel cage match which may either end with death or tapping out. As always we appreciate not only your votes but rationales as to why you've chosen to make the selections you did.
The tournament is a 16-team field divided into Western and Eastern Regional brackets. Today we release the entire Eastern Region; due to time-zone issues, the Western Regional bracket will not be out until Monday.
The DH Staff has done some preliminary analysis for the bracket so far, which you will find below. Once you have your picks, let the voting begin! You can find the applet to vote for your winners on the top right side of this page.
Marcel (the hump-loving monkey from "Friends")
by Shaw
Some research by my staff reveals that Marcel is a white throated capuchin monkey, and indeed played by the same actor that starred in such films as Outbreak and Ace Ventura II: When Nature Calls. However the same research turned up a startling fact: Marcel is in fact played, in a Mary Kate and Ashley-like fashion, by two... female... monkeys... not even twins (they are 5 years apart in age). Even worse, their names are Katie and Monkey. That's right, one of the monkeys is named Monkey.
SOS (Strength of Species): Medium. Marcel is a monkey, making him somewhat close to humans on the evolutionary scale. But since evolution is just a theory and will probably be eliminated from schools in the next few years, genetic proximity to humans is not to be considered a strength.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Extremely low. "Marcel" the TV Show character was a big fan of leg-humping, but his/her jaw-droppingly ambiguous gender-switching renders him incapable of classification and unlikely to mate at all.
Expect Marcel to go out in the first round. Being a monkey is one thing. Being a split-personality transgender monkey is quite a bit more confusing and most of America won't be able to deal with this kind of socially progressive icon. The country just isn't ready yet.
Vincent, the dog from Lost
by Clay
SOS (Strength of Species): Minimal. Vincent appears to be a yellow lab which on the fearsome scale ranks just above Paris Hilton's dog Tinkerbell and just below the loveable papa Dalmation from 101 Dalmations.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Undetermined. Like everyone else on the myseterious Lost island Vincent has been sexless. Even worse for Vincent he is often hugged, kissed, and rubbed by attractive human females who do not see fit to assuage his raging needs. This means, among all the contestants, he might be the most sexually frustrated which could lead to a nasty disposition once the matches begin.
Vincent the dog should be commended for several reasons:
Rimshot [from Ernest Scared Stupid], aka Barkley
the Dog
By DJ
SOS (Strength of Species): Low, because the Jack Russell Terrier breed is a small yappy lap dog, that were bred for no reason at all except to be small yappy lap dog.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Medium, due to Rimshots’ dubious sexuality, which knows no species. Will hump anything that moves.
Yes, we here at Deadly Hippos realize the similarities between his screen name, Rimshot, and various taboo sexual practices commonly known as rimjobs. This is why Barkley the Dog is attempting to win this tourney, to promote his porn tape series, the most recent entitled, Give My Rim A Shot starring Kobe Tai, James Spader, and Odie the Dog from Garfield, fresh off the success of FingerBangers Ball. I have had the pleasure of working with him in a masterpiece called Ernest Scared Stupid, as he attempted to break the typecast he’d given himself as a multi-species sex addict. I remember the sign on his trailer, “If you see the trailer a rockin’, I’m probably boning something so go mind your damn business asshole!” Read the cast and some plot here. Somehow, his name is right after my sister’s and mine, through sheer coincidence I assure you. In this movie, Rimshot, in various scenes is seen barking, sitting, running, walking and sleeping. Unfortunately it was only in theaters about 17 hours before it went to video so nobody saw his attempt to go legit. Angered by this, he resumed his life of debauchery. Now, the two pack a day smoker vows to exact revenge on the society that abandoned him, forcing him to make money the only way he knew how. He sent a tape to DH HQ expressing his desire to once again see his name in lights, and the selection committee here kindly accepted. Now Rimshot, although a long shot, hopes to win the tourney to keep his independent movie career alive, stick it to his harshest critic, the American Humane Society, and maybe get some ass along the way. Although not expected to do much in the tourney, Rimshot adds diversity and a certain level of promiscuity to the field.
Spuds Mackenzie
By DJ
This Spud’s coming for you!!
SOS (Strength of Species): High, due to the fact that spuds was a Bull Terrier, a breed used to fight and herd bulls.
RPI (Reproductive Power Index): High, due to the amounts of drunken girls he hangs out with, and dogs are notorious leg humpers.
Dubbed as “The Original Party Animal”, Spuds made his debut during the 1987 Super Bowl and took the world by storm representing Bud Light. Spuds had more bitches than you can shake a stick at, and lived the good life. The only thing missing is a championship. A championship he is willing to go to any means to procure. Due to his high SOS, he is Spuds is expected to go deep into the tourney. When reached for comment at his North Riverside, Illinois, home he said in a barely audible voice, “I am going to go R. Kelly on whoever I go against in the first round and treat them like a fire hydrant” while lounging by a pool with a bevy of beautiful women, and longtime friend Alf. Recently Spuds has come into some legal woes, fighting accusations that he is really a female, like his predecessors Lassie and Benji turned out to be. To that he simply stated, “I ain’t no bitch”. In addition to this allegation, he is in a legal battle with rapper DMX. Spuds claims he was the originator of DMX’s trademark growl, as well as the phrase “Get at me dog”. Financial discord also hit Spuds as he lost a considerable portion of his merchandising royalties by unsuccessfully betting on all the Bud Bowls, yet the ever affable pooch with the egg-shaped face and black circle around one eye remains confident that a successful tourney will put him back on top, insisting that every dog has its day, and it’s a dog eat dog world, and various other canine related cliches.
So get to it. VOTE.
________________________
Discuss this and any other column deadlyhippos.com column at our message board.