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The Deadly Hippos Animal Steel Cage Tournament
03/15/06
by The Staff of Deadly Hippos

As alluded to in yesterday's column, we are nearing completion of a deadlyhippos book that will quite simply redefine the history of literature. If, as is recorded in some history books, Abraham Lincoln once remarked to Uncle Tom's Cabin author Harriet Beecher Stowe, "So you're the little lady who started this big war?" [ed: True fact: columnist and webmaster Shaw is actually a direct descendent of Harriet Beecher Stowe.] Were Lincoln to meet the deadlyhippos he would likely remark after a long pull on his beard, "So you're the homies who are telling men what is to be men?" Put quite simply, we've written a book that is every bit as jarring to the cultural consciousness as Harriet Beecher Stowe's take on slavery. She brought America the Civil War which eventually ended slavery. We aspire to do no less. We want to be the little men who started a huge cultural revolution and returned men to their rightful place in society as men...instead of women with penises. And so, readers of hippo land it is with great pleasure that weannounce the soon to be published, Maniquette: (suitable subtitle forthcoming). We'll continue to release details and excerpts from the book as our publication date nears, but suffice it to say, you will be entertained... and if not, the book can double as a handy beer coaster.

Who knew? The first deadlyhippo was actually Harriet Beecher Stowe.

With that in mind, our final book cover design preparations are occuring. Rather than leave the regal and noble hippo alone on the cover of our book, we have decided to join him with a fellow member of the animal kingdom. And because we trust our readers so much, we have decided to let you select for us who should be the accompanying figure. We have made this decision because the hippo brain trust believed that pairing the hippo with Oprah would likely lead to a lawsuit and everyone is afraid of Oprah and her lawyers. So with that in mind today we release four contestants for the everlasting glory incarnate in being included on the cover of a book that is likely to sell literally dozens of copies. This competition is designed to be a steel cage match which may either end with death or tapping out. As always we appreciate not only your votes but rationales as to why you've chosen to make the selections you did.

The tournament is a 16-team field divided into Western and Eastern Regional brackets. At our press conference earlier today we released the top half of the Eastern Region; we'll release the bottom half on Friday. Due to time-zone issues, the Western Regional bracket will not be out until Monday.

The DH Staff has done some preliminary analysis for the bracket so far, which you will find below. Once you have your picks, let the voting begin! You can find the applet to vote for your winners on the top right side of this page.

Bart the Bear (from The Great Outdoors)
by Shaw

SOS (Strength Of Species): High. He's a f***ing bear, he'll kill you.

RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Medium. Having been a famous bear star his whole life, he could have any female bear he chooses, and ravage her beyond belief. However given that he is an Alaskan Brown Bear, there just aren't very many females around for him to impregnate.

Bart the Bear is the Bear Marlon Brando of his bear generation. Acting since he was young, he rose to prominence as the title role in The Clan of the Cave Bear, and later starred as Kaar in The Bear, arguably the only movie ever to have a bear in the lead role. He revolutionized bear acting, introducing bear method acting to a field that had long been starved for artistic development in its bear contingent. His style has been imitated but never equaled. Later on in life he moved to character-acting, taking supporting roles in Legends of the Fall, where he gets to kill Brad Pitt at the end, On Deadly Ground with Steven Seagal, and The Edge, with acting master Anthony Hopkins.

By far his most recognizable role is as the bear who gets shot by John Candy in The Great Outdoors, once in the head and once in the rear. He had to don a prosthetic for this role, which required four hours in a makeup chair every morning before shooting (haha), and had to come in very close contact with John Candy whose bear resemblance was so uncanny that he had trouble not clawing him to death in a territorial dispute. Bart is a strong contender to win this tournament.

Penguin from March of the Penguins
by Clay

SOS (Strength of Species): One of the few species whose strength depends almost entirely on where he is located. The lion of the frozen tundra is the worm of the Serengeti. Quite a dichotomy here on the toughness scale. Is this a steel cage match at Lambeau in January or a dance with the devil at Dallas Stadium in August? Only time will tell.

RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Ok, so even though I hated the movie I was pretty impressed that any animal could have sex in sub-zero temperatures. For instance, if I were the last man on earth and Salma Hayek was the last woman on earth and the survival of the species depended on me performing in the midst of a blizzard while standing barefoot in the snow, I think the species would die. I'm sorry. The penguin is a hardy bird. I just realized this is a very week pun. My apologies.

Me writing the penguin's bio is a huge conflict of interest. Sort of like if Nicole Brown Simpson's family did a biography of OJ Simpson. I can't be impartial. Penguins suck and it wouldn't bother me if there wasn't another penguin left on the face of the earth. In terms of fighting, lack of appendages woul d seem to signal a significant disadvantage. Plus, the penguin waddles and waddlers are (Kentucky's Patrick Sparks excepted) not very athletically gifted. But in the end the penguin is persistent, and if curiosity can kill the cat, maybe persistence can power the penguin?

Slowpoke Rodriguez, AKA Speedy Gonzales’s cousin
By DJ

SOS (Strength of Species): Low to Very Low. He is a rat from Mexico. That alone speaks wonders about his health.

RPI (Reproductive Power Index): High to Extremely High. Rats reproduce like rabbits, which reproduce a lot. And since he has a famous cousin and he obviously deals in the sweet cheeba trade, girls looking for doobies will eagerly give it up to him.

Officially, he is known as the "slowest mouse in all Mexico." From his pics and his body of work, he should also be known as the “most stoned mouse in all Mexico”. Slowpoke predictably gets into all sorts of trouble that often require Speedy to save him. Perhaps Speedy Gonzales’s s best-known sidekick, Slowpoke only appeared in two cartoons alongside his cousin. "Mexicali Shmoes" is the best known, which ends with two lazy cats learning the hard way that Slowpoke carries a gun. The best way to describe this would be a drug deal gone wrong. Yes, Slowpoke packs heat, a .38 to be exact. I guess when you are that slow and you run a drug cartel, you need added protection. He is in the tourney to try and legitimize some of the funds accrued from his underworld dealings with his partners, Space Ghost and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. “Plus,” added a droopy eyed Slowpoke, “the victory party would have some munchies, homes. What day is it?” And then he just stood there, fixed in a dope fiend lean against the wall. In spite of these shortcomings, he is an underdog favorite to win the tourney, especially if guns are allowed, and the fact that certain members of the DH selection committee can be swayed by copious amounts free herb.

He even uses a pot leaf for a necktie….

Battlecat-aka Cringer, from He-Man
by Clay

SOS (Strength of Species): Perhaps the only member of his species so it is hard to assess the relative strength of the species as a whole. Seemed to be a mix of tigers and the jolly green giant.

RPI (Reproductive Power Index): Exceedingly low. His sexuality is in question because he could not reproduce based on the television show and occasionally he allowed a man not wearing any pants (Orko) to ride him. Plus, he always achieved his peak of powers after a ripped man with straps across his bare chest shouted, "I have the power," and was struck by lightning. This sounds like the plot to every gay porn that has ever been made.

Battlecat/Cringer's raging sexuality issues may serve as an early source of motivation in the steel cage match. But will the effete tendencies of Cringer assert themself or will he channel the Viagra of his time He-Man and morph into the terrifying Battlecat. There's really just no predict ing things. He could be the greatest competitor in these matches or the worst. It would not surprise me if he cowered in the corner like a scorned mutt or if he beheaded his competition two seconds into the matches. If Charles Dickens were so inclined, he could have ended his opening to a A Tale of Two Cities with this line, "For embedded in each man was both a coward and a hero and this is where our story begins..." Cringer or Battlecat, who ya got?

   
Which feline will show? The whole world trembles with uncertainty.

So get to it. VOTE.

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