I’ve never done a basketball game diary before and honestly, I’m pretty nervous about the entire concept after the collapse of UT’s football season. As I stated near the end of the football season I think there might be some sort of karmic dissonance between my watching and writing about the game and Tennessee’s ultimate success. That’s why I decided not to game diary any UT games until Bruce Pearl had a little time to get his footing set…and until I was ready to vote for Bruce Pearl for the following elective offices, Senate, Governor, and President. Seriously, if Pearl ran for any of these offices I would vote for him. While it’s always difficult to pull-off the basketball to 9/11 analogy, Bruce Pearl’s, “We’re gonna kick Florida’s ass,” line while he spoke to the students at Thompson-Boling was the equivalent of George Bush standing on the rubble and talking to the firemen in New York City. Also UT has beaten Kentucky at Rupp one time in my life, the most beautiful 47-46 game I ever watched so I embarked upon this diary figuring that even if we lost, there was no way I could personally feel blameworthy.

1. Tardio is a huge Kentucky fan who hates Tennessee. I am a huge Tennessee fan who is basically indifferent to Kentucky. In fact, I don’t even know a UT fan who really hates Kentucky. Regardless, it made perfect sense for us to decide to watch the game together. So it was with some disappointment that I received a call from Tardio about thirty seconds before tip-off to inform me that he would be late. This was made all the worse because I had already arrived at his apartment and was sitting in the car. On the scale of offenses you would kill your friend over, this ranks pretty high. Somewhere below sleeping with your girlfriend but above accidentally backing over your cat. From a positive perspective, it’s not like I had to lift up his mat and search for a nonexistent key to the house or anything…wait, yes I did.

2. So I listened to Bob Kesling until the under 16 timeout. During this time I learned this was the 200^th all-time game between Tennessee and got to hear Kesling refer to JaJuan Smith as the “Pest.” Kesling does this with all the vim and vigor that I would imagine Nike founder Phil Knight uses whenever he dropped the “Air” Jordan moniker (in case you were one of ten people in America who wasn’t aware of the fact, Phil Knight came up with this nickname) in conversation. Basically the Pest is one of this nicknames that is decent, but someone is way too proud of. Kessling is like that guy we all know from your rec league team who insists upon making a big show about a mediocre nickname. Ok, we get it, you made up the Pest nickname and now consider yourself the poet laureate of America. Please don’t overdo it. Tardio arrives.

“My name is Bob Kesling and I dabble in a few things like man boobs and nicknames.”

3.Tardio informs me that he has been listening to the Kentucky radio announcers and they have been agog over Patrick Sparks new Iverson-esque right arm sleeve. Immediately Tardio and I are equally agog.

Patrick Sparks…hey wait.

4. In the time it takes us to claim seats on the couch, four charges are called. Seriously, charges are way out of control in college. It’s almost to the point where there are never blocking fouls anymore. Last night, I was one of approximately thirty-two people east of the Mississippi who watched Gonzaga beat St. Mary’s, and I swear to god that game must have set a charge record. Can we please just keep steal the basket circle from the NBA?

5. Kentucky throws a length of the floor pass that Sparks can’t catch up with. Tardio suggests that perhaps the AI sleeve restricted Sparks speed. Nevertheless, Sparks keeps running until he climbs the basket support. This pleased me because it marked the first time that I have seen Sparks actually leave the floor. In his defense my friend Weatherholt claims that Sparks jumped in the Mississippi State game but I cannot confirm this because I did not see it.

Sparks in mid-leap.

6. Speaking of Weatherholt, all day he was really nervous about the UT-UK game. Weatherholt has appeared in previous columns but to reiterate he is the hugest sports fan I know. To make the worst analogy ever, me saying this is like a Penthouse Pet saying, “Her boobs are so fake.” Actually, I’m not even sure I understand this analogy anymore. Here’s an email Weatherholt sent to me about an hour before the game started that demonstrates beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a smarter and more passionate fan than anyone else I know:

I didn't say lean years.  I said "some of their leanest years of the Pitino/Tubby era."  I should have clarified that I was specifically referring to the last three years + my 1L year.  But, other than that, I stand by that statement.  If I had to rank the Pitino/Tubby teams, I would do so as follows:

1. Pitino's seventh (96 champs)
2. Tubby's first (98 champs)
3. Tubby's sixth (8, Marquette)
4. Pitino's fourth (FF Michigan)
5. Tubby's seventh (32 UAB)
6. Pitino's eighth (Championship game, AZ)
7. Pitino's sixth (8, UNC)
8. Tubby's eighth (8, MSU)
9. Tubby's fourth (16, USC)
10.Pitino's third (8, Duke)
11.Tubby's second (8, MSU)
12. Pitino's fifth (32, Marquette)
13. Pitino's 2nd (22-6 probation)
14. Tubby's fifth (16, Maryland)
15. Tubby's third (32, Syracuse)
16. Tubby's ninth (TBD)
17. Pitino's first (14-14)

In my opinion, in my collegiate years, I witnessed the second, ninth, eleventh, and fifteenth best UK teams of the Pitino/Tubby era.  Then, during my 1L year, I witnessed the fourteenth best team in that era.  Those were lean times, relatively speaking, as the data illustrates.

7. Chris Lofton drains his first three of the night after seemingly not touching the basketball for the first six minutes. Moments later he hits his second and third three. The last bucket gives UT a 25-21 lead. I’m going to say it now and I mean it with all my heart, can’t Chris Lofton be taught how to play quarterback?

8. Tardio’s roommate and fellow UK grad Kevin has a cold. We discuss ways to avoid getting sick until Tardio informs me that at the Vandy-Georgia game on Saturday there was a hot girl wearing a surgical mask. This provokes much consternation and we debate why she might have been wearing said mask before ultimately forgetting about the debate as Chris Lofton drains his third three. “Christ,” Tardio says…but neither Jesus nor his Heavenly Father responds.

If Jesus wore a surgical mask, this is what He might look like.

9. Tardio informs me that Steve McNair made the Pro Bowl. At first I think he is joking. “No,” he says, “he was like fifth string.” Personally I’m holding out hope that McNair can’t go also because I can’t wait until Brooks Bollinger gets the AFC nod. Also, if Brooks Bollinger can’t go, I’m next on the Pro Bowl depth chart.

10. Speaking of the NFL, does anyone really doubt that if Rajon Rondo declared himself eligible for the NFL Draft he would be a first round selection at defensive back?

11. Tardio and Kevin point out that Duck Head sponsors Kentucky. This is made all the more apparent by the Duck Head logo on the Kentucky scorer’s table. Seriously, is Duck Head even still a company? What do they make that people still wear? And if right now you are reading this and you didn’t own five pairs of multi-colored Duck Head shorts and you are roughly my age I’m calling you what you are, a damn liar.

12. I just remembered that I do know a UT fan who hates Kentucky, my friend Junaid. These were his exact words when he called immediately after Ryan Childress drained a three. “I hate Kentucky.” Then we both remarked that we were absolutely stunned that Childress had just drained a three. Tardio appears to be on the verge of choking on his own indignation. “Is anybody on this team ever going to miss?” he laments.

“I hate Kentucky"

13. We get a quick cut back to the ESPN studio to hear about the Duke-UNC game. Has fellow lawyer Jay Bilas suddenly gone bald in like a week? Kevin remarks that he thinks Bilas might be using sun-in.

Suddenly the irrational exuberance over the cap makes more sense.

14. Rondo leads the SEC in crazy tip-ins. Seriously, your point guard is not supposed to make these kind of plays. I think Rondo could also lead the SEC in passes defended. This tip-in cuts the lead to 39-36 UT.

15. Sorry about the lack of scoring updates. Keeping a game diary for football games is much easier because the scoring is less rapid. During a time-out we all remark on how hot UT’s blond manager in brown pinstripes is. She has to be worth like three-four additional wins by herself easy.

16. Bruce Pearl is interviewed at half-time and drops this doozy that I believe he culled from Office Space, “Focus on the process not the outcome.” What in the world does this even mean? Maybe he has more in common with George Bush than we even knew before.

17. Halftime discussion in casa Tardio centers around Perry March potentially being the first Vanderbilt lawyer in the history of the law school to be convicted of murder. Somehow I don’t think this will merit a profile piece in the alumni magazine.

All, however, is not lost for Perry March as it does merit a picture in the game diary.

18. By the way, in case you forgot, Duke and UNC are playing tonight. I think there have been about fifteen million advertisements for this game including the entire halftime.

19. We end up watching the NFL Network where Cincinnati Bengal wide-receiver Chad Johnson (and former Jewish pre-school mate of my friend Giller) is interviewing Carolina Panther Steve Smith at the Pro Bowl. Steve Smith says this, “Somethin’ for me and wifey to go to.” This leads Chad Johnson to eventually respond, “I was born across the middle.” Then Smith and Johnson begin laughing. No one in the room with me has any idea what is going on.

20. We return to ESPN in time for the picture to have been hijacked. There are two huge bars running vertically across the screen. I start to think it might be Phoenix Coyotes assistant coach Rick Tocchet scrambling the signal. In case you forgot he has been arrested for leading a gambling ring.

My first thought when I saw him, “Tony Soprano’s going to be pissed about family business reaching the media.”

21. CJ Watson beats the UK team back down the floor and lays the ball in to give UT a 43-36 lead. Tubby calls timeout and drops about four f-bombs on poor Bobby Perry.

22. Americanchemistry.com is advertising during this game. Is this the worst ad placement in the history of television? What possible UT or UK fans are going to this site?

23. Randolph Morris aka Kentucky’s pro player refuses to hit the floor as a loose ball rolls around at his feet. He sort of reminds me of an old lion who can’t be troubled by anything unless he can reach it without bending.

UK’s pro.

24. Lofton with a great step-under of Rondo for a bucket and the foul. In the process, Rondo somehow manages to kick Lofton in the face.

25. Somehow the referees miss one of the most obvious goal-tending calls of the season. Morris might as well have swatted the shot from inside the rim. If this call had happened the other way, UK fans would have booed for the rest of the game. Tardio acquiesces as we view the replay, “That’s pretty bad,” he says. I can’t believe Bruce Pearl didn’t toss the bright orange jacket.

26. Incidentally, the reason I have not mentioned the orange jacket yet is because reader Bryon Smith emailed me inquiring how long I thought I could make it before I had to mention the orange jacket. The answer was 25 paragraphs.

27. ESPN rubs in Patrick Sparks absence from the floor during their “Star Watch” segment. Sparks has 2 points, 1 rebound, and 1 Iverson sleeve.

28. Lofton drills another three. 50-45 UT. Seriously, Lofton is so deadly if he pulled up from half-court I’d still stand up from my couch and raise my hands in the three-point signal.

From the bottom of my heart, I love you...wait.

29. So that Americanchemistry.com is a pretty cool site. I just signed up for the Chemistry Council and learned that “Chemistry is bicycle helmets, medical supplies, fire extinguishers, and clean water.”

30. Lofton drills two more threes, the last of which gives UT a 59-51 lead. I think Bruce Pearl should make Chris Lofton his Vice-Presidential running mate to sort of balance the ticket.

31. Danny Ainge is in the house but he must be chilled. Either that or he’s wearing his fleece as an actual shirt. Danny-boy loosen up a little, loose the jacket.

32. Does any team in college basketball deny inbounds passes better than UT? Seriously, there is never anyone open.

33. So they are using DMX songs now for Avis Rent-A-Car. Somehow this makes perfect sense. Hopefully this will work better for Avis than OJ did for Hertz.

When I see this picture, the first thing I think is, “Avis would make a lot more sense on my trip from Boise to Salt Lake City.”

34. It’s 60-60 with 6:45 remaining in the game. It seems possible that UT will receive no beneficial calls for the remainder of the game.

35. Andre Patterson slams home a huge dunk to give UT a one point lead.

36. Tardio points out that Morris barely has enough energy to jump yet somehow Morris is fouled and sinks two free-throws to give UK a 65-64 lead. Remind me again how it’s legal for UK to have a player that the NBA considers to be a professional.

37. After a Major Wingate lay-in, Watson dives into the crowd attempting to make a steal. One lucky fan receives a face full of sweaty balls. 66-65 UT.

38. The camera catches Childress laughing on the bench. Tardio and I surmise that he has just pointed out that without his three, the Vols would be trailing by two.

39. Lofton scores on a runner and now has 26. 68-65 UT.

40. Watson gets a huge rebound after Kentucky misses a three. Lofton scores on another lay-up. 70-65

41. I’ve been really easy on the announcers primarily because I haven’t been paying attention to them, but Jimmy Dykes just said of Lofton, he “came back and to Rupp Arena and interrupted a party.” Really, a party? Was it somebody’s birthday?

42. Here is who has taken the last two shots for Kentucky from three, Bobby Perry and Rajon Rondo. Not good for UK. This may be a stretch but I can’t be the only one who feels like Gaylord Perry and Bobby Perry have to be related.

                   
Separated at birth?

43. Lofton scores again and is fouled. 73-65 UT. Tardio uses much language that is unprintable on a family-friendly website such as ours.

44. ESPN announcer Johnny Dykes strikes again as he analyzes UT’s NCAA tournament potential, “The higher their seed the better chance they have of winning their first game.” Please do everyone a favor and do not speak again Jimmy.

“And let me tell you something, when that guillotine chops off your head, you’re not talking anymore.”

45. As Lofton passes Ramel Bradley in the post-game handshake line, he inquires (via lip reading), “Why didn’t you play?” Bradley’s response is undecipherable. Even still this is the perfect metaphor for the Kentucky and Tennessee basketball programs, two players passing in the night, one shooter following a man in an outlandishly orange jacket, another bench-warmer following a blue-clad coach without answers. Let’s leave it at this, I’d be happy if Bruce Pearl never coached for another team for the remainder of his career.

46. By the way did we really just beat Kentucky at Rupp Arena?

Please, I beg you, never leave.