I have a few confessions to make as I prepare to game diary UT-Florida. First of all, I am watching this game on my DVR after having attended the Vanderbilt-LSU game.  I was very hesitant to do this primarily because I was afraid I would see the score before I was able to watch the game. (In my experience this always happens whenever you are trying to avoid the score and it always happens in the least expected way. Like your sister-in-law calls from Maine and you figure she won’t mention the game’s score and then she does.) I’m officially on a no contact basis.

Secondly, I have purchased a new television. A 40 inch LCD flat screen that makes it very likely that I will never leave my couch again. Of course, my wife Lara had to build an entertainment center stand for the television, take care of all wiring and installation issues, ask all the pertinent questions from the fourteen-year old we purchased the television from at Best Buy, and explain to me what HD television actually was. At one point the fourteen year-old was talking to me about some kind of adapter and ignoring Lara and I had to tell him that I could barely work a toaster and that he should be explaining things to my wife. But that was all before I watched this thing. Now I’m legitimately considering naming my first born son or daughter HD. But part of my concern about buying the new television was that I was somewhat concerned about upsetting this season’s UT basketball karma. I’ve watched every game on the old television and things have turned out quite nicely. With the new television my college basketball universe could be torn asunder. Seriously, these are the things my wife puts up with. So this was a tough call for me, but in the end I’m prepared to deal with the consequences should any arise because the picture is so good for sporting events, I halfway expect that if I wanted to, I could reach out and tap an official on the shoulder and request that he move a bit so I’d have a better angle.

Thirdly, Tardio came over to see the new television before the Vandy-LSU game and it took him about thirty seconds to say two things, 1. “I’m getting one,” and 2. “Does porn come in HD?” The best I could tell him so far was that the ice skating outfits on HD are tantamount to porn. If anyone knows the porn answer for certain you can email me and I will not reveal your name…but I will reveal the answer. However, if you are a hot girl and you reveal the answer to this I will reveal your name, your picture, and find five guys who want to marry you within ten minutes. Remember it’s called a double standard because it’s twice as true.

Just as I was convinced that I was going to make it up until game time without hearing from anyone, Florida grad the 27 called. Even though I didn’t answer this telephone call completely shook my confidence as I do not recall any game that the 27 has called me after that his team didn’t win. Regardless, at ten central, I sat down on the couch to begin my viewing.

0. So remember how I said that I am technologically incompetent, well, somehow writing the above paragraph destroyed my numbering ability. So actually this is the start of the game diary but it isn’t numbered. Call it zero: Barry Booker and Dave Rowe are calling this game. I used to play basketball with Barry Booker at the Vanderbilt Rec Center all the time. Booker is now a member of the Patrick Sparks “I Don’t Jump Club” yet somehow he never misses a shot. Also, he’s an old man trash talker. He calls everyone cat. As in, “Man that cat…”

Barry Booker in JP’s typical picture that is just this side of invisible.

1. Tardio makes several jokes about whether JP Sports is in HD. I respond that I believe JP still sends their signal via Morse Code.

JP Sports Programmer, Samuel Morse.

2. Bad omen: It appears to me that Bruce Pearl has neither orange suspenders nor orange jacket. Is this the basketball coach equivalent of buying a new television?

3. Is it just me or if Lost Boys 2 is ever made, does Billy Donovan have to be the favorite for lead vampire?

         
If I see him after dark, I’m running straight into Corey Haim and Cory Feldman’s welcoming embrace.

4. Cory Brewer blocks a long three and then scores a lay up 5-4 Florida and Brewer has all five. I used to watch Brewer play up at Portland High because they are in the same division as my old high school, Martin Luther King. Brewer was an absolute gunner then. He didn’t even pretend to play defense.

5. How hot are the Krystal girls in these new Krystal Chiks commercials? Did you ever see this coming? A couple of years ago I would have bet a lot of money that Krystal commercials weren’t going to leave teenage boys across America with erections.

Who knew that Krystal was the new Hooters.

6. There is an OVC conference championship television commercial with no fans in the arena. The intent of the commercial is to wow us with the level of play yet there is absolutely no one in the crowd. Does this really make sense at all? Couldn’t they have digitally altered the footage to make it look like someone cared about watching these teams play?

7. Dave Neal calls Chris Lofton’s last four games, “disgustingly good.” Somehow this works as Lofton is shooting over 70 percent in his last four games from three. But seriously, Dave Neal using the adverb disgustingly? I can’t be the only one who is picturing him sitting up late at night writing down words he hears on Sportscenter and then listening to them on one of those tapes while he sleeps.

It’s only a matter of time until Dave Neal gets boo-yah fever.

8. This is the first time two ranked teams have played in the SEC this season? That’s pretty unbelievable. I’m going to cleverly forget that I know this next time one of my northeast friends rips the SEC for being weak this season.

9. Joakim Noah absolutely levels Dane Bradshaw and yet Bradshaw is called for the block. Amazingly this is also called a shooting foul. Noah sinks both, 19-12 Florida.

10. Lofton hits his first ridiculous three of the game.

11. Andre Patterson with yet another absolute man of a dunk over Chris Richards of Florida. 24-21 Florida.

12. Is there any doubt that Noah is well on his way to being the most hated player in the SEC?  He steps into the passing lane and dunks at the other end for a 34-23 Florida lead.

13. I can honestly say I have no idea what is going to happen each time there is contact in this game. There is absolutely no consistency in the officiating. Players tap one another and there is a whistle, yet I get the feeling that if Noah suddenly pulled a machete from his shorts and decapitated Andre Patterson the refs would let it go.

“Head’s a part of the ball,” one ref said of the no call.

14. How is there a split JP telecast featuring both Vandy v. South Carolina and Tennessee v. Arkansas? Is it possible JP is not aware that both Vandy and UT are in the state of Tennessee? Seriously, I live in Nashville. Which game am I going to get? Regardless, I guarantee you that JP is going to block out the other game on my ESPN Gameplan even though both games aren’t going to be on here. God, I hate JP.

In case JP programmer Samuel Morse forgot, this is the state of Tennessee which contains within its boundary both Vanderbilt in Nashville and UT in Knoxville.

15. Lofton drains two threes in about twenty seconds. 36-31 Florida. Would it be wrong for me to suggest that UT should enter into a contractual agreement to take legal title to all of Chris Lofton’s sperm and sign up a host of tall women to bear his children?

16. Bruce Pearl’s jacket sweat is spectacular. He looks like he just took a dip in the Jacuzzi during the last timeout.

18. This leads to a ten minute review of tape for no particular reason. Reviews of tape on JP are always funny because JP has about two camera angles. Usually at best one of these angles actually features the court. We receive no explanation as to what was being checked and the game recommences.

19. Is Noah the biggest pansy who acts tough in the league? Dude, your dad was a tennis player, your mom was a super model and you have a pony tail. No one believes you are tough. If Lost Boys 2 was made you’d be the first vampire to die.

20. Major Wingate banks in a shot that every UT fan was screaming no about to cut the lead to four. At the end of the half Lofton puts up a hail mary from the other end of the court that I halfway expect to be good. 40-36 at the half Florida.

21. God, I love this DVR. Halftime takes ten seconds. I hit fast forward level five and then manage to stop at the perfect time. Seriously, this is a new game for me. How quick are my skipping commercial reflexes.

How do I love thee DVR, let me count the ways.

22. Has Taurean Green done anything since he lit up Kentucky? I don’t think he has. He hardly seems to be playing tonight. It’s almost like he’s not that interested in any game that isn’t called by Dick Vitale.

Now that I’ve written that I fully expect that Green will drill a shot to win the game for Florida.

23. Barry Booker says, “The Gators are going to try and jam it in there all night long.” This evokes a dual response from me: on the one hand it makes me cringe on the other hand I think it might sum up my college life.

24. We’ve played 24 minutes and Florida has only five fouls. This is patently absurd considering the way they play defense and the fact that Tennessee has been going to the basket a decent amount. Noah has committed about ten reach fouls alone.