I refused to watch anything relating to the Super Bowl until 5:10 p.m. CST. This means I missed out on approximately 58 stories about players overcoming adversity. Honestly, I just wasn't that interested in Jerome Bettis' 38-minute flight log as he made the massive trip all the way to Detroit from Pittsburgh. I'm sure this trip was every bit as emotionally draining and soul-defining as other famous travels in American history, like the Oregon Trail and the Trail of Tears. I seem to be one of the few people in America who still considers the Super Bowl to just be a football game.

Also, I've had more important things to do, like try to figure out what I did with the paper towels in the house, which I managed to lose while making a barbecue sandwich for lunch. Somehow, as my wife cooks, my losing the paper towels has thrown her Super Bowl preparations into a state approaching anarchy. That and the fact that my wife has been preparing food today based upon the East Coast start time as opposed to the Central. But without further ado, here we go on the game diary for Super Bowl XL or as the media would have you believe it should be called: "The Biggest Event in the History of the Universe."

1. As the Pittsburgh Steelers are introduced, somehow Hank Williams Jr. is found in the crowd waving his terrible towel and mouthing the phrase, "It's go time." This makes perfect sense because the phrases Pittsburgh Steelers fan and Hank Williams Jr. are basically synonymous. Wait ...

2. My friend Tardio just called to tell me that for some reason, part of the pregame festivities featured Jerome Bettis with his shirt off. I didn't witness this, but based on Tardio's description, there is no doubt Bettis is the fattest running back in the history of the NFL.

3. Man, when they said Aretha Franklin's name for the national anthem, the cameras focused on some guy with a beard and a huge dangling earring. A few seconds later, the cameras got things together, and I found out it was Aaron Neville who was singing the first half of the Anthem. For a minute, I thought Aretha Franklin might be undergoing testosterone treatment.

4. My wife is cursing while she cooks in the kitchen. Apparently things aren't going her way in there. I think she'd make Bill Cowher blush.

5. By the time Aretha Franklin takes over for the national anthem, she reiterates the phrase, "Still there." Somewhere Francis Scott Key just kicked himself for not repeating "still there" in his 1814 version. Aretha appears to be wearing a fur jacket that was shorn off an extremely old zebra. I was just going to say Aretha has seen better days but before I can, my mom says, "We saw her perform about 200 pounds ago." Ouch.

6. Each team appears to have about 15 captains at midfield for the coin toss. Tom Brady is doing the coin toss and gets booed. Brady looks like he just got flown in from the Playboy Mansion. He should have strolled out to midfield with a girl on each arm. The NFL misses a real opportunity to bring back Sandra Day O'Connor to reprise her role as coin-tosser from the college national championship game. Either that, or the NFL could have upstaged college football by bringing in both new Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito and new Chief Justice John Roberts.

7. We hear about the pregame "trash talking" from sideline reporter Michele Tafoya. God, this is awful. Is there anyone in America who knows less about trash talk than Michele Tafoya? This is the rough equivalent of me analyzing the relative merits of concert-level violinists.

8. What percentage of Americans could spell out Super Bowl 49 in Roman numerals? It's got to be less than 25 percent. In fact, after thinking about this, I'm not sure if I can do this. Basically, if the Super Bowl ended tomorrow, Roman numerals would probably die in America. Further, what if the NFL got the numbering wrong and no one noticed?

9. Matt Hasselbeck is hot to begin the game (thankfully he hasn't forgotten what day the game was) with three consecutive completions to, as per Al Michaels, "The man who called himself D-Jack." Michaels' voice is so smooth he could make the lyrics to Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl sound like a Shakespearean sonnet. But the first drive for Seattle stalls.

10. The paper towels are found and my eyes are watering from smoke as my wife's dinner preparation nears completion.

11. First Al Michaels and now Bill Cowher ... everyone has their Super Bowl haircut working. Except Mike Holmgren, and I guarantee right now that in Africa, his wife is like, "I told him to get his hair cut."

12. We are informed that for every play there is a new ball in the first half. 108 in total. That's wild and seems like an interesting angle to explore ... but then we might have to spend less time on Jerome Bettis coming home, so actually, scratch that idea. Jackson makes the initial first down of the game and it's already his fourth catch. People who bet on him for Super Bowl MVP are plotting out how many lap dances they can afford in Vegas. But then a hold negates Jackson's fifth catch.
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13. If you kept a straight face during that black-and-white trophy photo montage with Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, you're a better man than I. I just kept picturing the photographer standing beside him saying something like, "Give me somber."

14. Jackson makes his fifth catch just as a huge flame erupts in the oven of our house and the fire alarm goes off. All of a sudden, it's like London during the Blitz. Everyone ducks for cover.

15. Jackson catches a pass for a touchdown. Inexplicably, the referee waits about 10 seconds before throwing a flag for offensive pass interference. Replays confirm that based on what occurred during this play, offensive pass interference could legitimately be called on every pass play.

16. After a near touchdown catch in the right corner of the end zone, Seattle's Josh Brown bangs home a 47-yard field goal. 3-0 Seattle.

17. I'm not analyzing the commercials (check back here for that), but I will share a pleasant rumor based on a commercial. I've heard Michele Rodriguez's Ana Lucia character on Lost is going to be killed off soon. Please let this be true.

18. Peter Warrick begins the second-half with a great punt return that's called back via penalty. Somewhere in Tallahassee, Florida State coach Bobby Bowden turns to his wife and says, "Dadgummit that name sounds familiar."

19. Sideline reporter Suzy Kolber is one of those people who, when she talks, her throat constricts in such a way that it appears she is in excruciating pain or lifting really heavy weights. This makes her diligence in conducting interviews with the Diet Pepsi machine all the more impressive.

20. Jerramy Stevens can't cradle the football alongside either bicep featuring the "always hated" or "never faded" tattoo and drops an important third-down pass.

21. Midway through the second quarter, Pittsburgh finally gets its initial first down on a third-and-8 slant to Antwaan Randle-El. On the next play, Hines Ward runs a reverse, and just before he is tackled, Ward appears to be in the midst of a robust grin.

22. It is so smoky inside my house right now that I can't even keep my eyes open ... and the fire alarm has only just stopped.

23. What's the over/under on percentage of Super Bowl parties where a woman asks, "Is Desperate Housewives on tonight?" My feeling is it has to be north of 50 percent.

24. Big Ben gets picked off by Seattle's Michael Boulware after underthrowing a pass. If you're wondering, this is the perfect time to turn to your buddy who claims he can throw a football farther than an NFL quarterback and deadpan, "You wouldn't have missed that receiver."

25. How much money does Chris Berman get paid to do play-by-play for the Tim Allen movie The Shaggy Dog? Let's just say this, whatever it was, it wasn't enough.

26. When we come back from commercials, we see Big Ben with the trophy and more of the black-and-white pictures. I can't wait for the next one of these. In fact, maybe ABC should just be televising this entire game in black-and-white so we all realize how steeped in seriousness this game is.

27. Suzy Kolber says, "Marquand Manuel had to have his pants pulled down and his groin taped up." Man, tough luck for Marquand Manuel. You make it all the way to the Super Bowl and this is your reward, a sideline report about your groin getting taped up. Kolber could have at least helped him out and said something like, "As an aside, I also heard it was the most tape a groin tape-job has ever required."

28. Al Michaels makes an analogy to the makeup of the Super Bowl crowd utilizing Lake Placid in 1980, which equates the Pittsburgh Steelers to the United States (good) and the Seattle Seahawks to the communist Soviet Union (uh, not so good).

29. It's so smoky I can barely make out the kitchen. Somewhere, I can hear my wife cursing lightly.

30. Perhaps angered to be considered a communist, Grant Wistrom sacks Big Ben. On the next play, Roethlisberger throws up a jump ball on third-and-28 that Hines Ward bails him out on by making a great catch. This is the kind of pass that, if it gets picked off, the announcers immediately start talking about how Big Ben is trying to do too much.

31. Bettis' family appears to be in the process of ripping off their Jerome Bettis jerseys in the crowd. Seriously, what's going on here? One guy has only one arm covered and is wearing the jersey like a sash while the other guy only has his arm through one arm-hole. Bettis is stopped on first and second downs. It's probably because he's worried about why his family members aren't wearing their free jerseys.

32. I believe the smoke is thinning. My wife enters the room through the remaining smoke like one of those NBA players coming out onto the court during player introductions. I contemplate saying, "From North Carolina ..."

33. Big Ben rushes left and doesn't score but is given credit for a touchdown even after a review. 7-3 Steelers.

34. And now we get Bill Cowher with the trophy and the black-and-white photos. Hopefully we'll get Seattle's player during the entire second half. Or is this something where ABC officials are going to see and be like, "Who OKed this? Fire them, right now."

35. Seattle inexplicably decides to run Shaun Alexander for 4 yards despite only having 46 seconds left in the half. They waste 34 seconds before Pittsburgh decides to call timeout and stop the clock. Fans of both teams are shaking their heads right now. On the positive side, this play and ensuing sequence managed to upset everyone who is a legitimate football fan of either team. Think about it, this is generally pretty tough to pull off.

36. Hasselbeck completes his second out-of-bounds pass in a row to Darrell Jackson before Josh Brown pushes a field goal wide left from 54 to effectively end the half. My wife facetiously suggests, "It must have been the wind."

37. Suzy Kolber interviews Mike Holmgren from some sideways camera angle. It looks like footage from MTV's Made: I Wanna Be a Sideline Reporter. Holmgren pulls one of those quick changes when he realizes he's on camera, morphing from angry coaching zealot to loveable teddy bear in about two seconds.

38. After skipping halftime to eat, I return to the game just in time for more black-and-white photos featuring Big Ben, Shaun Alexander and Cowher with the Lombardi trophy. I'm thinking these guys were pretending they were getting their wedding pictures taken in order to adequately capture the somber expressions. Thinking things like: "Remember when your kitten got hit by the car ... remember when Grandma died ... life is pain, pain is life ... this burning sensation ain't leaving." Meanwhile, the European photographer is dancing around saying, "The trophy is your child ... cradle it to your bosom ... caress it, love it."

39. Did Big Ben use the word "mug" during the worthless Jerome Bettis miked-up feature? If so, this might be the beginning of the great mug comeback. Remember back in like 1988 when anytime you got mad at someone you'd toss a mug in there? For example, "Man that stupid mug ..." Maybe those days are returning. (For the record, my wife claims that the word 'mug' was never used like this in Detroit, but my friend Tardio confirms that this recollection was valid for the mean streets of Nashville, circa 1988. "Oh yeah," he said, "'mug' was big.")

40. It doesn't take long in the second half for the roof to come off the dome. Willie Parker goes off right tackle for a 75-yard touchdown and the longest rush in Super Bowl history. 14-3 Pittsburgh.

41. Seattle converts a big third down, and on the next play, Alexander picks up about 21 yards. This is really the first time in the game that Alexander has had any room at all to run.

42. Stevens drops his second pass despite a perfect throw from Hasselbeck. Maybe the four-inch goatee is restricting his ability to get his head turned around? Or even worse, caught in the chinstrap?

43. Josh Brown misses a field goal by a foot -- wide left from 50. Uh-oh, the Steelers get good starting field position.

44. What a huge near goal-line interception by Seattle's Kelly Herndon to end the drive. Big Ben gets flattened this time after a big turnover to keep him from making the tackle, yet somehow this still leads to a tackle because the Seattle blocker loses his balance and runs into Herndon. This is the basketball equivalent of when someone falls down while celebrating a nasty dunk. What would have been cool is if there had been a camera on the crowd and you could actually see all the Terrible Towels come down in synchronization from swirling to still in a heartbeat.

45. Hasselbeck to Jerramy Stevens on third down for the touchdown. 14-10 Steelers. We've got a game.

46. Big Ben makes a bad decision by not running out of bounds on second down. On the ensuing punt, Seattle's Peter Warrick makes his own bad decision by choosing not to field a punt and instead allows it to roll inside the 5 before it's downed. At the same time, your game diarist Clay Travis makes an equally bad decision by writing the longest sentence ever (and going third person).

47. The fourth quarter begins with Seattle driving at midfield.

48. Another borderline call against Seattle negates a Stevens first down catch at the 1-yard line. Madden says he sees no holding. On the next play, Hasselbeck is sacked by Casey Hampton.

49. Has Joey Porter done a thing all game after all his talk? Of course he gets credit for horse-collaring Alexander. And I'm sure if they win, we're going to hear him talking an unintelligible blue-streak.

50. Hasselbeck is intercepted, makes the tackle ... and is penalized 15 yards for a legal tackle. The Seahawks just can't seem to get a break.

51. Pittsburgh's Randle-El takes the reverse handoff and makes a perfect pass to Hines Ward for a touchdown. 21-10 Steelers. Somewhere, Penn State's Michael Robinson is saying, "Thanks for improving my draft stock."

52. Hasselbeck fumbles while scrambling and I have computer issues. My screen flashes and then vanishes. This is the game diarist equivalent of the blindside quarterback sack.

53. Thankfully, there is a review, so I can reboot. This is the game diarist version of the tuck rule. Hasselbeck's fumble is reversed, but a few plays later he gets sacked, and Seattle has to punt.

54. Seattle's punter bombs another punt into the end zone. It's time to reissue my suggestion that every team needs a guy who is consistently a bad punter. For example, a guy with perfect form that no matter what he does, he can't kick it more than 30 yards. I could be this guy, and so could lots of other people.

55. On an inside screen to Randle-El during a third-down conversion, a ref takes a spill amid the resulting brawl. It's always amazing to me how quickly NFL brawls end. It's almost like the guys realize they make too much money to really be fighting. Whereas in college, entire teams end up fighting before any order can be restored. Seattle begins using its timeouts.

56. Either Big Ben or Bettis goes the wrong way on a handoff play, yet Big Ben gets the first down anyway. Ball game. Oh God, now we're going to see Jerome Bettis about 15,000 times until the game is over. How come a game between two teams always gets oversimplified down to one guy?

57. Pittsburgh has to punt. On the first play after the two-minute warning and in the ensuing drive, Seattle doesn't appear to understand certain important rules of football: The clock keeps running when you complete a pass for 3 yards and stay in bounds.

58. Congrats to the Steelers. My highlight might have been Steelers owner Dan Rooney giving an extended and well-rehearsed handshake to one of his players. In the Pittsburgh victory parade I'm expecting Rooney and the player to duet on Golddigger.

59. The Steelers receive their trophy in a spaceship that has remarkably landed on the field. Seriously, was this spaceship really necessary? I kept expecting Emperor Palpatine to come zooming in and steal the Lombardi Trophy as a prelude to the Galactic Civil War.