The quote "Breaking up is hard to do" was obviously created by a complete dolt. With all the groups and organizations that have called it quits the past couple of years, it can't really be that hard. With the recent influx of celebrity breakups in relationships like Nick and Jessica, Paris Hilton and the Western Hemisphere, Tara Reid with her career, Tom Cruise with his sanity, Brad and Jen, and groups like G-Unit/Game, Korn, Blink 182, the Roc/Jay-Z/Damon Dash, the Championship Lakers....I think you get the point. It would seem to me that the common denominator that unites these groups is that they are all rich and famous and good looking. Granted, sometimes marriages don't work out. These things happen. But what about teams like the Shaq/Kobe dynasty and the aforementioned music groups? Is your life really that terrible where you just can't stand to win ANOTHER championship and/or make loads of money and have ANOTHER platinum album with them? I mean didn't you get rich and famous with these people? Are "creative differences" really worth that much? All that to say this: Just shut up, say your lines, play your music, or hit your jumpers, and go home to your mansions. Please. I never thought I would say anything good about Good Charlotte, but their "Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous" song pretty much describes this situation. I mean the song sucks, but you get the gist of it. I have this theory that being any combination of rich, successful, and good-looking severely skews your perception of reality. I have met and know people like this. Here is a good guideline: If there was ever anyway invented to vacation or buy property on another planet, and (fill in person here) is on the waiting list to do it, then they fall squarely into this category.

But here at DH a long time ago, we made a pact to be a hardy band of blood brothers. Inseparable and unfazed by our negligible fame and negligle fortune. We would take the road less traveled: unity. Fame would not change our moral fabric and sense of reality. Surely, this is not the first time this pact has been made, but we would be different.

But recently I have noted some changes amongst our ranks as our readership swells into the robust hundreds. Changes that frighten me. Are we destined to the same fate that befell Frankie Goes To Hollywood? Not on my watch. This is why I have decided to rip off the band-aid and let the festering pus infected wound air out and heal. That was gross, but I meant to say I wanted to let HippoNation know the happenings behind closed e-doors in an attempt to bring back the olden days.....

A recent Hippo gathering was spotted in Nashville, sans JT and me. We were only slightly notified, and only found out through drunken texts and emails that what we feared was true: We were left out. (Editors Note: DJ was in Finland...FINLAND. That is one long ass flight, don't you think?) Why wasn't I invited? I don't know, but there will be hell to pay. They were probably jealous because we were D1 athletes and they weren't. Or we went to the NIT and they didn't. But it doesn't end there. SHAW has been known to jet set across America without permission to do "important" things like "ski" or "see his family" without a 2/3 majority vote, leaving us webmaster-less for days at a time. In earlier days, he was on call 24 hours 6 days a week. Is he slacking? He certainly has enough time to cultivate a huge beard doesn't he? I mean, c'mon arithmetic ca n't be that time consuming...

The 27 is the only one amongst us who one would call "easy on the eyes". His chiseled jaw has gotten him into and out of trouble for as long as I've known him. Has this been the reason why he has been slacking lately? (Editors Note: The word "lately" is used quite loosely here...like Trichelle from the Real World loose...) When used, his column skills are almost unmatched. He is the Tyrone Calico of the DeadlyHippos. Full of potential yet somehow always more concerned with looking good than making plays.

Even JT, whom I brought into the fold, has recently demonstrated an inflated ego due to the fame and fortune brought about by being a Hippo. He doesn't walk anywhere under his own power anymore. He has two large Dominicans carry him to the copy machine at work. And he will only sleep on the fresh hides of Alpacas. And more disturbingly, he refuses to acknowledge the existence of snow anymore, and he lives in Denver.

Rumor has it that Kwo (who now only answers to Dead Bully Cop Killa) and Tardio have been planning a coup and leaving to form a Joey-like spinoff of DeadlyHippos.com, called WobblyMexican.com. The only thing that hasn't led to their departure is the sad fact that between the two of them they would only manage twice-yearly updated content.

The ugly words "creative differences" have surfaced in the carefully documented minutes of our meetings. And to make it worse, the aforedocumented grumpiness of sinister Clay has reared its ugly head, where his rusty iron fist has crushed many a mahogany boardroom table while threatening to bring new blood into the fold and continually cutting back on our salaries and benefits. He is tired of my globe-trotting and wants to sign me to a long term deal. Not going to happen Mr. Steinbrenner! Even though European Basketball Player DJ is back and The Baron is behaving , I am paranoid that upon my return, I will find our swarthy cabal in shambles. Lord let it not be so. I have faith we will get back to the grass roots and have fun together again; back when writing was fun, jokes flooded our minds like the fertile silt of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, back when we all thought it was only a matter of time until we all were co-hosts of MTV's, The Grind. Is this all paranoia? Will the nonexistent fame go to our heads?

Will we be the next celebrity breakup? Stay tuned HippoNation...and pray for us....