Kiefer Sutherland is pretty goddamn lucky, for having been born with terrible luck. Did you know that his birth name was Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland? Frankly I don't understand the need for 5 middle names. In naming my siblings and myself, my parents wanted to make sure that each of the kids got one of the parents' names, so my middle name was my father's first name, my brother's first name was my father's middle name, and my sister's middle name was my mother's middle name. Perhaps the Sutherlands wanted to enact this same policy with Kiefer, but they weren't sure who the real father was. This is conceivable since parents Donald Sutherland and Shirley Douglas were pretty hip in those days. In that case, kudos to them for at least narrowing it down to 5 guys.

So, he's got a crappy full name. Why else is he unlucky? This is a good opportunity to remind you to read my column about having a famous dad (enough said). The unfortunate effect of Kiefer's famous dad is manifest in his apparent drinking problem, causing him to do things like destroy Christmas trees in hotel lobbies (after asking permission, of course--see this blog post for details).

But somehow the younger Sutherland has otherwise managed to avoid the pratfalls (i.e. sex tapes, hookers, jailings, marriage to Julia Roberts, and eventually, obscurity) of some of his old 80's movie star contemporaries like Robert Downey Jr., Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, and Rob Lowe. He is on one of the best TV shows to grace the airwaves, and has been continually nominated for acting awards for his performance in 24. On top of that, he is the voice of both Verizon and Apple Computers for all of their new ads, and he was in 3 major movies last year. Basically, this man has been riding a wave of superstardom that is unrivaled by anyone else in the business.

Why should you watch 24?

JACK BAUER

Just this name strikes fear into the heart of terrorists everywhere. Compare him to John McClane: a crass xenophobic Middle-American brute, an everyman's hero. His enemies discount him, assuming he can't always dodge a barrage of 100 bullets per second... of course, he can't. It is always by blind luck that he ends up winning, and this is the American dream, win the lottery, never work again, sit on the couch and eat Cheetos and watch TV for the rest of your life. Jack Bauer is a thinking man's hero: he is intelligent, he is educated, he is dark and secretive, and he is willing to kill anyone, including his own boss, to serve his country. His enemies never dare tangle with him directly: all of their schemes involve a clause to KILL JACK BAUER... of course this is the only way to succeed at the rest of their evil game, for if you're planning something, Jack Bauer will sniff you out, find you, shove a twisted bath towel down your throat, wait until your esophageal lining gets attached to it, and rip it (and thus your esophageal lining) out of your body again. Anything to get the information he needs.

Eat the towel. Eat it.¹

He is an unstoppable force. And he can sport a beard like John McClane can only have wet dreams about.

Bauer's beard: good
McClane's beard: not so good
Willis's beard: actually pretty impressive