The game diary has been building to USC-Texas since September of this year. Along the way we’ve taken a gander at these two teams via USC-Notre Dame, USC-Fresno State, Texas-Texas A&M, USC-UCLA, and Texas-Colorado. But now on this most momentous of game days, one that even the BCS couldn’t destroy, I found myself in Miami the day after the Orange Bowl game between Penn State and Florida State. While the USC and Texas players reviewed their blitz assignments and hot routes, I focused on game diary preparation on South Beach by watching hot chicks wearing outfits the size of small napkins while standing in front of stores and bars with one word names (Ivy, Splendor, Liquid, Flirt, Aqua, Mojitos). It’s become so trendy and hip for bars to have one-word names that I think shortly we’re going to go in the exact opposite direction and have bars with ridiculously long names. My personal favorite would be, “The Curios Incident of Men in Speedos.”

I was in Miami to visit my friend Giller and he sent my world into significant shock as we awaited the start of the championship game by pointing out Cincinnati Bengal’s wide-receiver Chad Johnson in his high-school yearbook and then dropping this bombshell. “Yeah, Chad Johnson and I went to Jewish pre-school together.”  Chad Johnson in Jewish pre-school? Honestly, what odds would you have given me on whether Chad Johnson had attended Jewish pre-school? Now, I’m hoping that after a playoff touchdown Chad mimics a spinning dreidel. But on to the game.

   
Here is a human dreidel alongside a photo of Chad Johnson sans yarmulke.

1.     Keith Jackson is calling this game and he does one of his trademark poetic openings. “One game that will be as big as a college football game can be.” The best part of the opening was when they put an image of the teams behind him on the screen storming into the field and Jackson actually pretended he was looking over his shoulder at the team. Really did anyone believe that Keith Jackson was storming out of the tunnel with either team?

Why do photographers insist on taking angled photographs?

2.    Dan Fouts and Craig James both use the “heavyweight fight” cliché within the opening two minutes of the telecast. Ok, guys, this might be a bit to ask, but couldn’t you have coordinated it so that only one of you brought out the boxing analogy? Just a thought. Also, doesn’t Craig James already seem like a heavyweight boxer who has taken too many punches?

“I, Craig James, solemnly swear that if you give me an opportunity to be an analyst I will describe every game for the next thirty-four years as “like a heavyweight fight.”

3.     Mathew McConaughey and Will Ferrell have dueling openings representing their alma maters of Texas and USC respectively. Shockingly, McConaughey is a better actor in this promotional spot for the game than he has been in any movie he’s made since “A Time to Kill.” Ferrell is hilarious as usual with the classic line, “I can’t hear you, I have a Heisman in my ear.” Interestingly, it appears that Ferrell’s taping occurred at a local Ramada Inn as there are kids playing with beach balls behind him in the pool.

This look put to words:, “I could screw your wife or girlfriend if I wanted to.”

4.     A reader emailed to let me know that each team had been limited to only five former players on their sidelines and that this had inconvenienced celebrities who planned on being on the sideline. Do you think OJ Simpson made it really hard on USC by requesting one of those sideline passes? I believed this reader until McConaughey made an appearance on the sideline in his trademark leather jacket that he always seems to be wearing. So much for the rules.

5.     After a rendition of both God Bless America and The National Anthem (do we really need both?) we have the ubiquitous plane flying over the stadium which sends the crowd into an absolute frenzy. Seriously, why is this the least bit exciting? Do these same people go wild any of the fourteen million other times when planes pass over their heads in the course of their normal life?

Now if there was a flotilla of planes…well now, I would riot.

6.     Dan Fouts uses the word “great” five times in a fourteen word sentence.

This is also the greatest photo.

7.     Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor is there…and she does the coin flip. This might have been the highlight of my college football experience. The woman who decides the seminal issues of the day as the quintessential swing voter, is flipping the special memorial game coin. Just perfect. Texas comes up heads and this seems like a great omen for the Longhorns. I’m going to be honest here, I want Sandra Day O’Connor as coin-flipper for the next twenty years of championship games. Even if we have to bring her out in a wheelchair. As an aside, since Sandy grew up on a farm, it would have been classic if she had ridden the USC Trojan Horse out to mid-field, lassoed the Longhorn and then flipped the coin.

8.     The game gets rolling after Keith Jackson utters a boy-like, “Yippeee.” Shortly thereafter, Texas fumbles USC’s opening punt.

9.     Matt Leinart throws his first perfect pass of the game to fullback David Kirtman of USC who makes a spectacular catch despite being absolutely decked by a Texas defender. This is one of those hits where for a moment you pause and think, what if I were getting hit that hard instead of David Kirtman? I don’t think I would walk for the next week.

10. LenDale White scores for USC. 7-0.

11. Someone in the crowd has a “Three Pete” sign which is fairly witty, but unfortunately for the fan, probably copyrighted by someone else thirty-four seconds after it is flashed onto the television screen.

12. USC stops Texas on fourth down only to be stopped themselves on fourth down from inside the twenty by six inches on a Matt Leinart sneak. Somewhere, don’t you know Charlie Weis just broke something?

13.  Reggie Bush is free on a thirty-yard screen pass gain before he inexplicably attempts to lateral the football as he is tackled. Texas recovers. Pete Carroll approaches Bush on the sideline, “You don’t need to try to make exceptional plays, you are exceptional,” he says. Then both men hug. Ok, maybe this really didn't happen.

14. The Texas cheerleaders are confusing me. There are hot chicks wearing chaps and short orange shorts with bare midriffs and then there are chicks in really unattractive frayed leather uniforms. My wife clears up the confusion, “The dance team members are always hotter than the regular cheerleaders,” she says. American high school movies from the 1980’s surrender.

15. Texas’s field goal kicker is good from 46, 7-3 Texas.

16. I didn’t think I would ever write this sentence. The USC cheerleader sweaters have been befouled by those ridiculous roses sewn across their chests. The squad might as well be wearing burkas.

You know, the search results on google are a lot more interesting when safe search is off. But this one is safe and still without the rose.

17. Griffin for Texas makes a terrific end zone interception after the booth overturns the original call of incomplete pass.

18. Touchdown Texas after Vince Young executes a successful lateral despite his knee already being down. Inexplicably the booth does not review the footage. This is what I’ve been railing about all season. Just absurd. First, why has college football not just copied the NFL system? Second, you have the premier arbiter in America in the stadium. Why isn’t Sandra Day O’Connor in the booth reviewing the replay footage and making the calls? She made the decision on abortion, first amendment/governmental interplays, and affirmation action. I think she can decide whether or not a player’s knee was down.

Sandy baby salutes the replay booth…unfortunately the replay booth misses her signal.

19.  But perhaps in their haste to get the play run before it is reviewed, Texas misses the extra point, 9-7 Texas.

20. Vince Young is on the sideline dancing while his backup quarterback #7 plays DJ and sings along with some lyrics. This is absolutely my favorite shot of the entire game thus far. I love the backup quarterback’s role here. Clipboard, check. Headphones, check. Lyrics to Kanye West’s Gold Digger to accompany Vince Young when he decides to dance on the sideline. Check. Talk about preparation.

In case you were wondering, I’m still jealous of Mack.

21. Ramonce Taylor breaks one from thirty yards out. 16-7 Texas.

22. Giller’s parents arrive home and I miss a few plays while I query them about Chad Johnson’s Jewish preschool days. I also learn that Chad Johnson was in cub scouts. I’m thinking, maybe Johnson should also mimic the building of a fire after a playoff touchdown and then award himself a merit badge. Field goal by USC, 16-10 Texas.

Chad Johnson gives the universal cub scout leader known as, “My troop leader did not rape me last night.”

23. The Texas band performs. A couple of questions here, did the band have a curfew? And why do the Texas tuba players get to wear baseball caps that say TUBA while the rest of the band has to wear those cowboy hats? Are the Tuba players the rock stars of college marching bands? There has to be some sort of absurd band explanation for this and if anyone knows I’d love to be informed of the rationale. My hypothesis is that the TUBA guys bore the brunt of the feces that were tossed by the Texas A&M fan and their cowboy hats have yet to be cleaned.

24. Bob Leinart’s dad gets some air-time. This is interesting because Bob Leinart is not one of those fathers who is always on the television whenever his son plays. For instance, Archie Manning got more television air-time during Peyton and Eli’s career than most of the Tennessee and Ole Miss players. Bob gets air-time at a good moment. He appears to have just let fly a particularly funny comment and is giddy. Either that or he’s just realized that he doesn’t need to worry anymore about the added expense of any property with the label, “ocean view.”

25. LenDale White scores again on the opening possession of the second half for USC. 17-16 USC.

26. Texas immediately answers on a Vince Young scamper. 23-17 Texas.

27. Keith Jackson doing a “Dancing with the Stars” promo is really priceless television. But the best Jackson promo of the night was this one, “Check out Heather Graham in Emily’s Reasons, oh whatever.” Perfect.

28. My friend Giller and I both agree that all of a sudden there’s fog or smoke or something that settles on the field. Either that or the world just ended and the game has been moved to Heaven.

29. LenDale White scores on 4^th down to make it 24-23 USC. I start to think maybe LenDale White’s parents were showing off when they named him LenDale instead of just plain old Dale. This game is turning into an absolute barn burner. Incidentally, where in the world did this barn burning cliché come from?

Just like you when I see a burning barn I think, wow, this has great applicability to sports.

30. Young breaks off a huge run. At this point he has 12 rushes for 150 yards and is 17 of 21 passing for 145 yards. I believe this qualifies as impressive. Not to be out done Matt Leinart has just cracked 100 yards rushing for his career in this game. God, what a syphilitic burn this game has begun.

31. The fourth quarter begins with a missed 31 yard Texas field goal replete with horrible camera work from ABC which makes it nearly impossible to tell whether the field goal was made.

32. With the tension in the air palpable, with the very stadium itself shaking to its firmaments, and with the concluding quarter having just begun, ABC does what every fan wants them to do: a sideline interview with Tournament of Roses President Libby Wright.

“And, I declare, on one float the roses blew off in the wind and rain.”

33. Reggie Bush does a forward flip into the end zone. 31-23 USC. Words cannot do justice to this play. Dan Fouts breaks out his Harry Potter quidditch analogy for the second game in a row. Hey, when you’ve struck commentary oil, keep drilling. “Where’s the snitch?” Fouts continues. Millions of grown men without children are bewildered…or pretending to be bewildered in front of the other guys.

34. The camera finds Reggie Bush’s Mom in the crowd where she is in the process of doing the, “Momma wants a Navigator dance.” Somewhere in Nashville my mom is reading this and doing the, “My son can’t even afford a Kia Sorento for me shuffle.”

Dear Mom, Please accept this snazzy photo of a Kia Sorento as a substitute for the real thing.

Sincerely,

your loving son Clay

35. Field goal by Texas 31-26 USC.

36. Leinart goes over 300 yards passing and Texas’s Killebrew gets his second roughing the passing penalty for a love tap on Leinart. Leinart stands up, dusts off his uniform and says women throwing themselves at him to have sex hit harder than that.

37. Dwayne Jarrett leaps for a touchdown pass, catches the ball, takes hits from a tandem of Texas defensive backs and then still manages to lean into the end zone for a touchdown. Both Texas DB’s are injured from plowing into Jarrett. I believe this is the definition of a manly play. But just to be certain, Jarrett returns to the sideline and rips one of Bevo’s legs off and begins eating. 38-26 USC.

   
Bevo in the days when he still had four legs.

38. USC decides to let Texas march down the length of the field in almost no time before Young scores standing up on a seventeen yard run. Seriously, does any player score more often standing up? The field should have to be longer for Vince Young…or he should have to play with another player strapped onto his back.

39. Pete Carroll demonstrates that he is fearless by going for it on 4^th and 2 with 2:12 left from the Texas 44. Texas stops LenDale White by about six inches. It’s Texas ball and suddenly my hands are shaking as I write…and I don’t even care who wins.

40. Vince Young….Vince Young…Vince Young…Texas has a first down at the fourteen.

41. On first down Young throws to Limas Sweed in the back right corner of the end zone for a near touchdown. Limas Sweed has had a great game, but this guy’s name sounds like he should be a white sharecropper in Arkansas in 1924, not a wide receiver in 2006.

Limas Sweed

42. Fouts interjects a bit of levity as ABC shows the longest winning streaks in college football history after a Vince Young scramble on second down, “Nobody wanted to play Yale back then.” Yale has two of the longest streaks around the turn of the century. Coincidentally Limas Sweed was also the name of Yale's quarterback on those teams.

43. Incomplete pass on third down for Sweed. It’s fourth and five with twenty-six seconds left and these are the times when players become immortal. And then Vince is Vince. Just incredible. When everyone else is running he glides, when everyone else is shaking he’s dancing and when everyone else is ecstatic Young is stoic. Basically Vince Young is moving to a beat that is entirely his own. Seconds after the touchdown Vince Young is absolutely still for a moment, a calm man in a stadium full of bedlam.

44. All across America college football fans are speechless. Except in Los Angeles where lots of people just decided those Spago reservations aren’t that useful when you can’t eat. For good measure Vince Young scores the two-point conversion by rushing straight up the middle. 41-38 Texas.

“Why, why is my dining room empty because of this American foot. But what of my windswept greens nestled among baby peas and carrots?”

45. USC makes a valiant attempt with nineteen seconds left. First there is Leinart to Bush to advance the ball to the Texas 43…and then with eight seconds left the ball sails high and the state of Texas is louder than it has been since the Battle of San Jacinto ended in 1836. I’m going to be honest here, I expected USC to attempt a field goal. I just didn’t want or except that this game could ever end. It seemed almost wrong that a game like this was constrained by something so simple as a clock or a quarter or even football itself.

46. Matt Leinart finishes with 365 yards passing…and two career losses. Vince Young goes for 267 passing and 200 rushing. 467 total yards. As the valedictory to college football 2006 let’s leave it at this, USC-Texas was an absolute classic, but Vince Young’s Rose Bowl performance was the greatest championship performance in modern college football history. Rarely does one man stand so highly above the fray, a vision eclipsed only by the stars themselves, on January 4, 2006 in Pasadena, California Vince Young reigned even more supreme than Sandra Day O’Connor.