Under Armour has taken over the world. If you are like me, this fact has crept up on you unbeknownst. One day I was mocking every Protect This House commercial the company had ever made, and the next day an older attorney at my law firm is sitting at his desk billing away while wearing skin-tight athletic apparel on a weekend. I shrugged off the attorney showing up in Under Armour at the office in the same way you might shrug off the kid with the fake I.D. who rolls into the bar wearing wristbands of many colors on both arms from elbow to wrist. For a short while, the company's quiet takeover of the world didn’t phase me. Sure, there was the occasional guy at the gym and scores of professional and college athletes in the apparel, but I noticed it no more -- until last week, when the sudden power of the company confronted me in four glaring and unrelated instances was I forced to admit that the world had been conquered by the pristine sheen of body-hugging microfibers.

Before I share the square of circumstances that made me acknowledge the breadth of Under Armour’s conquering footprint, perhaps the uninitiated (ye hardy few) would appreciate a one sentence explanation of what this apparel is and claims to do. Direct from the company’s Web site: "Under Armour is the originator of performance apparel, a line of microfiber clothing that wicks perspiration away from the skin, keeping athletes cool, dry and light throughout the course of a game, practice or workout."

Now if you are anything like me, you are probably thinking to yourself, what in the world is a "wicks" and is it infectious? For about 10 minutes I was convinced that the company had intended to utilize the word "whisks" and that the same guy who designed their television commercials was in charge of company spelling. In fact, it took me three different online dictionaries to finally find a secondary definition that made sense: "A piece of material that conveys liquid by capillary action." I'll admit it was truly bracing for my ego to not know a word on the Under Armour Web site. Even more humbling was finding out that a non-living organism (the Under Armour shirt) is capable of something called capillary action. Put simply, this apparel claims to soak up your sweat and make you perform better as an athlete than you otherwise would. Somehow they have been effective in this argument.

Now on to the four recent circumstances that have convinced me Under Armour has taken over the world. First, there is a guy at my gym who wears full-body Under Armour and walks around the entire weight room looking like a neoprene sleeve that has grown a man. Despite never touching a weight in the presence of anyone I know, this guy has biceps the size of rotund kindergarteners and pectoral muscles that could have worked as a guillotine during the French Revolution. Plus, I have never heard him speak. After a few weeks of seeing him strut around the weight room, it occurred to me that Under Armour is making so much money selling their apparel that they can now hire ripped dudes to just walk around weight rooms across the country.

Second, recently my dad called and said, "Have you seen this Under Armour stock? It's really been on a roll." Instantly, I was leery. I was even nervous to look at the stock chart. Yep, Dad was right. Since going public at $13 a share on Nov. 18, the stock (symbol UARM) soared as high as $40 before settling back down at a recent $35.47. That's right, the stock tripled in less than two months. Reviewing the archives of my columns, it was particularly nice to see that on Oct. 31, during my Florida-Georgia game diary, I made fun of the commercials yet again, opining: "Under-Armour has what seems like an 18-minute long commercial featuring the most ripped 12-year-old on Earth. It occurs to me that the 12-year-old and I are both using the same composition books. I wonder what his science project is." Upon further reflection, if I had simply written, "Under Armour has a new commercial that is so brilliant every person who reads this column should mortgage every piece of property they own and buy Under Armour stock when it goes public in three weeks," each of us would be filthy rich right now. Instead, I made a weak joke about the most ripped 12-year-old on Earth (who probably got stock options) and we’re all still poor. My bad.

If Clay had us invest in Under Armour stock back in Nov. instead of making a joke we'd all be rich.

Third, some old guy wore Under Armour to the bar with jeans and stood blocking me from ordering a drink here in Nashville. This represented a new beachfront in the takeover: Under Armour as nightlife apparel for old white men. After contemplating whether retaining the water via the wicks would make you more or less drunk (and reaching no conclusion because I don’t understand how capillaries in shirts work), I came to the conclusion that there couldn’t be a worse experience than having to go out to a bar with some guy in Under Armour. I mean, can you imagine being told to take out a client and when you roll up to pick him up at his hotel, and he's standing there wearing jeans and Under Armour? I think I would keep driving.

Fourth, my wife and I recently attended a wake. As we stood in the back of the funeral home, I became convinced that my wife had worn Under Armour underneath her outer clothing. This turned into something of an obsession. Was she worried about losing liquids at the funeral home? Was it really hot in the receiving line? Did I err in wearing a sweater without Under Armour, and was it likely that I would need to be revived after passing out due to dehydration? Then my wife reached up to put her coat on a hanger and her shoulder muscles looked like a team of roiling snakes. I was sold. So I did what every husband should do, I approached my brother-in-law to find out.

"Make fun of Lara for wearing Under Armour," I said. "Why don’t you do it," he replied. "I’m on making fun of her clothing probation," I said. (I have a week left.)

So he asked her. It turns out it wasn’t Under Armour. But it’s only a matter of time until they have Funeral Gear. Already according to the Web site, they have HeatGear, AllSeasonGear, ColdGear, LooseGear, WetGear and TurfGear. They even have camouflage Under Armour because everyone knows deer were put off by the loose garb hunters had been wearing. Oh, and the goal of management is to replace cotton in athletic apparel. Yep you read that right, replace cotton. If only this company had existed back in the 19th century, the Civil War wouldn’t have even been necessary. Personally, I think the company is setting their sights too low in seeking to replace cotton. Now that Under Armour can wick water away, I think they should focus on eliminating liquids all together. Then maybe we'll see whether Gatorade can protect their house as well.

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