Peyton Manning needs an image makeover to lace him with street cred. In the wake of the Indianapolis Colts loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers, Manning has become what he becomes every time his team loses, a whipping boy for the national media who suggest that he is the quintessential big game choker. This reputation began at the University of Tennessee where Manning went 39-6 over four years but couldn’t beat the University of Florida (so what if no one else did either). The swirling allegations of big game failure followed Manning to the NFL and have been stalking him since the Colts lost in the playoffs for the first time in 2000. Rarely mentioned is the fact that Manning has started since the first game of his NFL career and has never missed a start during the 128 regular season games of his eight-year career. Along the way Manning has won countless NFL games, never caused a bit of controversy, always said the right thing, collected a bevy of records, a couple of MVP’s, and become the favorite football failure of the national media.

Reasons why Manning is hated are likely rooted in the fact that he seems to have absolutely everything every person on earth desires. He’s the son of an NFL quarterback, a college football all-star quarterback who approached sainthood in the state of Tennessee while infuriating every other SEC program (save Florida) by staying for four years and whipping them all over the field, the first pick in the NFL draft, married to a woman who is probably better looking than your wife, a millionaire a hundred times over, an outlandishly successful quarterback replete with back-to-back MVP seasons, a consummate professional when interviewed, always flosses, never forgets to hold the door open for people behind him, has never uttered a public curse word, appears to have no hang-ups about his famous father or his famous younger brother, makes television commercials that are actually funny, eats an apple a day, and is very smart. Basically if you were standing in line at the grocery and forty-eight cents short, is there any professional athlete who would be more likely to toss you two quarters before you could even ask?

But where does this leave him in relation to every other person in America? I’ll tell you, he’s better than me and he’s better than you too. He’s the ultimate goody-goody, someone you know you have absolutely no reason not to like, yet you do anyway. Partly this is because Manning seems to have no problems and to be possessed of only three flaws, 1. he twitches his shoulders an inordinate amount of the time while he is wearing football pads 2. he has a large forehead 3. he has not yet won an AFC Championship or a Super Bowl. Twitching and the forehead have not really been discussed that much because physical looks have not been incorporated into NFL analysis…yet. So the media focuses on his failure to win a championship, or as talking heads like to put it “the big game.” Of course these same talking heads forget about Manning’s road victory over Alabama when Tennessee hadn’t beaten Alabama in eleven years (a game so satisfying to Vol fans that I’m convinced my Dad would vote for Manning for any office he ever sought for the remainder of his life), or the SEC Championship in Manning’s senior year, or the beating of Ohio State in a bowl game the year the Buckeyes had been anointed as God’s chosen team. All of those things are secondary and interfere with the motif of the day immediately following any loss, Manning can’t win the “big game.” But rather than endure the same plaintive wail about big game failings from the media, Manning can attack these slings and arrows of outrageous imprecision and by opposing vanquish them via a street cred laced image makeover. We here at ClayNation are nothing if not masters of image. (That outlandish laughter is my wife rolling on the ground).

Now admittedly accepting makeover fashion advice from me could lead Manning to arrive for a press conference wearing a coonskin cap, flip flops, and Under Armour from head to toe. (readers claim I would love it). But I’m not giving fashion advice, I’m giving image makeover advice which is much less complicated. Or at least it seems like it should be. And let’s be honest who better to tutor someone in attaining street cred than a white lawyer from Tennessee? So here are eleven things that Manning could do to burnish his image from goody-goody to serious ne’er do well. In the process his flaws would make him human, and people would move on to someone else who seemed to be living a golden existence and be utterly without a glaring flaw.

1. Throw somebody through a huge plate-glass window. Preferably do this while there are large groups of media around. Then walk up to the offending victim and put your cowboy boot on his throat. Say something like, “Don’t ever bump into me again.” Then spit chewing tobacco on him. This will likely cost several hundred thousand dollars in legal fees to settle this case, but with increased endorsement deals (see Barkley, Charles) you will actually come out ahead.

2. Start smoking and carry a flask of whiskey wherever you go. Announce that you will be spending the summer working for free as John Daly’s caddy.

Am I the only one who thinks that when you have become a John Daly groupie you are trying way too hard?

3. Do whatever you have to do to become Ron Artest’s best friend. Whenever the two of you go out, you wear Ron Artest’s jersey and he should wear your Colts jersey. When questioned as to why you are doing this respond, “To throw the po-po’s off the scent...baby.”

“I don’t smell anything…you?”

4. Call a press conference with your wife and discuss your “marital difficulties.” Confess to the challenges you both face every day making your relationship work and say that Bill Clinton is now counseling you.

5. Get into a spat with your father Archie and make sure the media knows all about your refusal to speak to one another. Give an interview where you breakdown and cry about how alone you are. Call Kobe Bryant for further details.

The Manning family in happily mustachioed times.

6. Every time you are in public in a bar, break something. Tables, chairs, bar stools, Golden Tee, dart boards, pitchers of beer…well, maybe not Golden Tee. When questioned about these outbursts, simply state, “I don’t want to talk about it,” and then go back to being normal. For anyone who isn’t Peyton Manning, this is actually the perfect way to get girls too.

But maybe let this guy live.

7. Demand a reshooting of the grocery store scene in your MasterCard commercial. Instead of asking the grocery store stocker to sign your bread, beat him senseless with the bread. When you are finished turn to the camera and say, “I hate everyone,” then take a menacing bite of crushed bread.

8. At the opening of training camp announce that henceforth you will only answer to the name P-Man. Midway through the season announce that you have changed your mind and will now only be known as Tone-Man. Refuse to speak to anyone who misaddresses you.

9. Wear your helmet for all interviews because you feel shy. Refuse to explain anything further until your appearance on Oprah.

10. Announce that you will not play for the Colts any longer until they redesign the Colt helmet logo to reflect the Colt as a gun as opposed to the shoe of a horse. Also request that your hand-warmer be redesigned so that it hangs on either side of your waist and resembles a two-gun holster. When asked why you made this request respond, “So I can keep my killing fingers warm.”

Are the bullets too much?

11. Legally change your name to Bling Scarface and publicly burn your Kenny Chesney albums.

Then wear this.

These are just a few ideas that I’m confident would lead to an entirely new Peyton Manning. Instead of having to hear about his playoff losses, the media could opine about his outrageous antics and wring their hands about the message he was sending to youth across the country. Manning already has mo’ money: once he shows he has mo’ problems, the sky is truly the limit.

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