As with every country I go to, I always let HippoNation know what is awesome and what is not so awesome. This is just in case you ever decide to take a trip to these countries. Then you can say, "Man, good thing DJ told me about this place. He is a fantastic lad. I'm definitely naming my first born son/daughter after him!" Just in case. This installment brings us to Finland. I'm not gonna give you stupid facts like population, weather, or STD rates. Only stuff that can help you. Just things that pop in my head about this Scandinavian delight. Strap on your seatbelts and come take a trip with me.

1. I firmly believe the penalty for jaywalking here is death by papercuts, or something else equally as terrifying. I say this because no here does it. One would assume if you are freezing your ass off as everyone in this country constantly is in the winter you would want to get to your destination ASAP, especially if there isn't a car in sight in either direction. Every time someone actually jaywalks, it reminds me of that scene in Harold & Kumar when they contemplate jaywalking and out of nowhere a cop rolls them. That scene must be the extent of Finland's pedestrian safety video. It's a ridiculous site to behold, and it cracks me up every time. About 25 people on both sides just waiting, for no reason, for the crossing signal. I always cross illegally, and people look at me like I just walked across water, like, "Wow, look at that big crazy negro! Man, is he crazy! I bet he's gonna get hit by that invisible truck we are all afraid of...just wait...ooohhh he made it!! That guy is CRAZY!! He has some balls..." It's like when the wildebeests are toeing the water but don't want to be the first in on the Discovery Channel.

Maybe the penalty is having this man flash you. I'd better be careful...

2. The city I live in, Tampere, is the third largest city in Finland. It's also home to the second largest club in Finland, Onnella. It's cold here. The food is good. The clothes are expensive. The public transportation system is great. See, I told you useful crap is boring....

3. I know fellas. I'm getting to it. You want to know how hot the dudes are right? Just kidding. I had some of you there for a second, not that there is anything wrong with that. I have no idea what the current population of Finland is, but there are about 75 ugly girls that live here. That's all. The key is, like any other places, to sift out the skanks and harlots from the regular chicks. It's hard here because they ALL look the same, with either jet black or blonde hair. Usually, the tramps will let themselves be known by dancing on a table, flashing someone, or giving a handy to someone in the bathroom line. Enter those at your own risk. Oh, and there are crazy amounts of lesbians. Either that or it's just making out for attention. Wow, how is that for free advertising Finland?

"Finland: hot chicks kiss."

4. Why do the chicks here tuck their jeans in their boots? Did this ever catch on in America? I need a yay or nay from the MASSIVE amount of female readers in HippoNation. Besides the obvious (morbid obesity, having two heads and/or 20-inch fingernails, having a peg leg, etc...) there is in my book nothing more unattractive than this on a girl. I did not type that for my wife, I just hate bad fashion. How can a girl spend an hour getting ready and not notice looking like a pirate is bad? It really looks like the 80's are trying to creep back one pair of tucked boots at a time. Next will be the leg warmers in every bad color with matching scrunchies. (I can't believe I even typed that last word).

"Have you seen my date, Captain Hook? Aaarrrgg!!!"

5. One of my teammates, who will remain nameless, told me something I have questions about. He told me that he once masturbated in an airplane bathroom. AN AIRPLANE BATHROOM! So that right there tells me it was premeditated. I have a documented, unhealthy obsession with stewardesses (the female ones, not that there is anything wrong with liking the male ones) but this is taking it too far. I was instantly repulsed and curious at the same time. Is this a common occurence? He told me he had no guilt or shame about it. And it was only a three-hour flight, he couldn't even wait to get off the plane! Has anyone ever done that? Call me old fashioned but there is a time and a place for that, and it's not 36,000 feet above Wisconsin. If you have please hit us up through gmail, especially if you are a chick, and let us know. And only true stories, no made up crap from forty-eight year old men claiming to be girls, please. Your secret will be safe with us.

6. The late night porn here that is customary to virtually every country in the world after 12AM except the US (damn censorship) is absolutely outrageous and so low budget. If I could understand Finnish, the storylines would be hilarious. It's like the porn scene from The Big Lebowski, where the plumber comes over to "unclog her pipes". Not that I watch it or anything, but I HEARD that there was this one where this girl was in a rocket ship and landed on a planet. I could imagine the title being "Escape From the Head Planet" or "Lust in Space" or "Blastoff in Uranus." Of course the planet was full of heavily endowed swoll ass dudes, which led me to believe 1) why are all these dudes just lifting weights for no reason if there are no chicks around and no sports 2) at least two of the dudes on this planet have to be gay... 3) I hope this planet doesn't really exist, or all earth dudes would be rendered obsolete; the average member in this film was so big it looked like Shaq's forearm holding a couple of mangos. Anyways she was inevitably captured and you guessed it... they made space smores... then she got rode like a snowboard in a half-pipe. It was pure comedy... or so I heard.... This also leads me to believe that dudes will watch porn in any language no matter what. They are all the same anyway... or so I've heard....

7. It's industry standard for houses out here to have saunas. I don't know why I find this weird. Maybe it's because most houses don't have washers and/or dryers, which would seem to make more sense, but they have saunas. I have used mine twice to sweat out the demons, but I also found out they are for sauna parties. People come over, get naked, drink, smoke hash, play Scrabble or Pictionary, then get in the sauna. Sound great? I forgot to leave out the fact that pretty much all of them aren't coed. It's either all dudes or all girls. How is that the least bit fun? When I queried as to why they aren't coed by rule, people looked at me like I just blasphemed the sauna gods. Call me crazy, but that would be the first thing I would assume. Free porn at night but only same sex saunas? There is something definitely amiss in this country.

I have been getting away from our prime numbers theme, so I will stop there at seven. Do not expect to "pick up" the language on the fly here unless you majored in Finnish (unlikely) or Quantum Physics (more likely, but you'd never come here). But all in all, it's a great place to visit. It reminds me of winter in Boulder, full of hammered people who I don't understand and mostly look homeless but are probably millionaires. Just don't go to an out of town sauna party when invited by strange fellow by yourself. You will be horribly disappointed, and maybe get uncomfortably jostled in a hot ass room full of sweaty hairy dudes. Or so I've heard...

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