I think I would date Matt Leinart. I’m serious, I really think I would. Right now some of you know-nothing busybodies are sitting there ticking off all the problems on your fingers, like, first of all, Clay you are married. Big deal, I didn’t say I was going to put-out or anything. Just go out on a nice date. Maybe get some cheese fries some time or have a beer and then watch some airplanes take off. Is there anybody it would be more fun to watch airplanes take off with than Matt Leinart?

Pictured airplane taking off. Not pictured Clay and Matt Leinart watching airplane take off.

Oh, and now you’re going to hit me with the whole, you’re gay thing aren’t you. Actually, from you it will probably be “your gay” which is very interesting because I never thought that gay people were given to people now. If I get to choose a gay person, that’s cool. I would choose Rupert Everett (the Ellen Degeneres show has not been as fun over the holidays because it’s suddenly morphed into Oprah so I’m dropping her as my favorite gay person) because every girl seems convinced that they could convince him he wasn’t really gay. At least then when he tossed one girl after another off to the side, my friends would do very well picking up his discarded pieces. Oh, you meant, “you’re gay.” As in, I am gay. Thanks, good point, except I’m not gay and you need to review your contractions lessons from third grade. Oh, and you’re an idiot. Plus, I already said there wasn’t going to be any putting out. I’m just not that kind of guy.

A shirtless Rupert Everett is aghast upon learning that Clay would draft him first in the “your gay” draft.

Of course, distance is next. You live so far away, how could you go out for some cheese fries or watch a plane take off? You’re in Nashville and Matt Leinart is in Los Angeles. I say, distance is nothing. I think that was a Nike slogan. If you can defeat an argument with a Nike adverting slogan everyone knows it was not a legitimate argument to begin with.

For instance in the early 1980’s arguments could be ended when one party responded, “Face…swoosh.”

Next you’re going to say Pete Carroll wouldn’t like you and he gets to pick all of Matt Leinart’s dates. Baloney. Pete Carroll let Matt Leinart date Alyssa Milano didn’t he? Alyssa Milano, the woman responsible for wrecking more sports careers than any other tart on the west coast. Matt Leinart was probably just like me, laying in bed at night figuring up how many years older Alyssa was than him while he watched Who’s the Boss and that probably made Pete Carroll sympathetic. But let’s be honest, eating cheese fries with me is not going to make Matt Leinart misread the Texas blitz on third and seven. A sports figure doing anything at all with Alyssa Milano is the entertainment equivalent of picking Shannon Doherty to star in your television show, career-ending. But somehow Matt survived that flirtation with doom and escaped with nary a case of bursitis or turf toe. He’ll be fine with me.

Try avoiding an IED in Iraq when all you’ve got on your mind is this nip slip.

Oh, and now you’re going to throw out that timeless and banal cliché, people will judge you. Oh yeah, so what. Matt Leinart and I will be having such a good time, we won’t even notice anyone else. Plus the San Francisco 49ers could end up with the first or second pick in the draft. Do you really think Matt Leinart is going to be hurt by there being an internet photo of him sharing cheese fries with me then? My god, they’d probably rename Lombard Street, Leinart Street the day he was drafted.

Soon to be renamed.

Are you in pain yet, hurting from the power of my deft parries? No, you still want more. Ok, you’re going to go real on me, rather reality, with isn’t Nick Lachey already dating Matt Leinart now that he’s available? Color me stumped for a moment. (Stumped is a sort of fuschia for the unaware.) Ok, I’m not going to lie. That counter was pretty good. But I’m going legal on you to justify the 150k in tuition I dropped. While the divorce is pending Lachey can’t date anyone if he wants to optimize his take of Jessica Simpson’s money. So technically he’s not available yet. I realize this is weak, but when you face a quadruple-threat like Lachey (reality show star, singer, sports fan. extremely well-tweezed eyebrows) you have to break out the technicalities. I’m sorry, this argument is the I Think I Would Date Matt Leinart equivalent of drawing a charge in pick-up basketball.

Stumped.

What next? Oh, of course, you’re going to hit me with WWVLT (What Would Verne Lundquist Think). For the sixth or seventh time, Verne Lundquist does not know I exist. Plus, Verne looks like the kind of guy who would love cheese fries and watching planes take off.  I’ve heard that he and Todd Blackledge spend each Friday night before Southeastern Conference football games sharing a slushie in a ‘57 convertible while they count shooting stars. So, trust me, Verne is going to understand why I think I would date Matt Leinart.

Verne reacts with glee to a particularly bright shooting star.

There, that’s it, you have been proven incontrovertibly wrong and every one of your arguments has been destroyed. I’m dancing around now without moving my arms like the guy from the office in the Nextel commercials. I can almost taste the cheese fries now…I would date Matt Leinart.

Cheese fries + Matt Leinart= a night to remember (also Clay’s  prom theme).