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I had to clear up what is bound to be a hugely controversial issue in Deadly Hippos lore... as you certainly know, the subject of two of the columns I have written in the past are about to come to the forefront of the sociopolitical scene of these United States. Though you will doubtless be seeing excerpts from these epochal columns in the major newsmedia quite soon, I shall provide links to them in any case to refresh your memory:

Does your homophobia get in the way of your appreciation for Brad Pitt?

Having a famous father: all that it's cracked up to be?

As you probably know by now, People Magazine has announced that the rumors are true: Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's child. (I apologize for this article as it refers to Brad and Angelina as "Brangelina", which is something I would never do.) And surely in hearing this story confirmed, your first thought was, "What will Shaw have to say about this? He said it sucks to have a celebrity dad, but he also said Brad Pitt is indisputably the hottest man alive!!!"

Rest easy, because Shaw thought the same thing when he heard the news. Certainly, having Brad Pitt for a father has the potential to be rife with trials and tribulations (or "foibles")--he and Angelina could break up, dissolving "Brangelina" and the stable household (1); he could be a terrible father (2); his child could end up being a talentless hack (3); or his child could be ugly (4). I shall address these concerns in order.

Well this would never last

1. Breaking up:

Well of course they're going to break up... unless, that is, they never get married. This seems to be the recipe to celebrity relationship success: don't get married. A brief list of failed marriages that looked like they were made in heaven and ended fast, sometimes before they even got started:

Brad and Jen (he got restless)

Burt and Loni (she watched Deliverance)

Kenny Chesney and René Zellweiger (they sobered up)
Brittany and that other guy (they sobered up)

Mariah Carey and Tommy Mattola (he demanded she touch his old grey peepee)

Bennifer [Lopez] (she demanded he touch her unnatural peepee)
Nick and Jess (she finally heard him sing like a 5 year old girl)
Paris and Paris (he saw sex videos 3 - 14 and realized how much of a whore his woman was)

It seems like the real secret to staying together is either staying drunk the whole time (like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson), just not getting married (like Johnny Depp and that model), or both becoming has-beens at the same time (Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn).

2. Terrible Father

This is a joke right? Of course he's going to be a terrible father. He's going to be away filming in nether parts of the world for his kid's entire childhood, and Angelina will be doing the same. But since they're rich, the kid is going to have the best nanny in the whole world, who will do such a better job of parenting that he will hardly miss the gentle caress of his mother's (kind of) loving arms, or his father's playful tousle. He'll have his Cambodian brothers and sisters who may or may not speak English, and his undoubtedly foreign nanny to teach him about life in the US. And he'll have television and the movies to teach him what his mommy and daddy are like! Pictures such as these (not from a movie, but from a photo shoot they did for W Magazine last year) are bound to help him understand his parents' relationship:

Yes, that's Brad fingering a gun and then angrily strangling the mother of his child.

3. Talentless Hack?

This is pretty likely as well. Your average celebrity kid is pretty worthless when it comes to the entertainment industry, except in cases where the parent is already a talentless hack. I realize that Angelina Jolie herself is a counterexample, as Jon Voight is pretty goddamn awesome [Deliverance, again], but then again, those two were estranged for basically her entire life. Jacob Dylan, my pet example of talentless offspring, is enough evidence that we definitely shouldn't count on this kid to ever win an Oscar or anything.

4. Ugly?

So here we are. The score is 3-0 in favor of this kid's life sucking. But let's be honest. The kid's going to look like a combination of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Score 4 for the good life.
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