There is a shocking similarity in this season's NFL playoffs. A correlation that is too incredible to be a coincidence. Discovering this concurrence lead me to an epiphany. One of the moments of genius that few men achieve. Similar moments as this that lead me to the creation of the Duration of Dryness Scale (DODS), the skankness / fame concordance, and "cattle branding". I had to act on this and delve deeper to discover if this was indeed genius, or simply... madness.

I am tentatively calling it, JT's Beard to Success Ratio Theory, or BSR for short.

This theory in its simplest form states that the aggressiveness of a man's beard relates directly to the amount of success he achieves. Bearded aggressiveness is rated on a 10 point scale as determined by length, lack of grooming, thickness / patching and how well it interacts with the offenders head hair. Bonus points may also be awarded for certain extenuating circumstances. The points (including bonuses) are then added up and divided by the 4 categories in order to get the overall aggressiveness rating. I have been working on this theory for nearly 2 hours now and I believe I have it perfected to a point that I can successfully predict the outcome of this season's NFL playoffs.

When examining the remaining field of four, you must first look at the quarterbacks of these teams. Like it or not, the accolades and blame for a teams success or failure will most likely fall directly on the shoulders of the quarterbacks involved. So therefore the beard to success ratio will be most effectively used when examining the quarterbacks of each of the remaining teams. We will look at them in alphabetical order.

Denver Broncos -

Jake Plummer -

Plummer started this season with a purpose. It was time for him to make a change in his career if he truly wanted to improve and the change was needed in more areas than simply his football skills. Jake understood this need and it was prominently displayed in his opening day media picture. Lets have a look at it:

Length - 6
Lack of Grooming - 4
Thickness / Patching - 7
Head hair interaction - 7.5
Bonus points - 10 for similarity to 70's pornstache
Overall Aggressiveness - 8.625

This is an extraordinary ranking. However, Jake knew that to get to the promised land you most like need at least a 9.0 or higher ranking. So Jake went old school... as in biblical times old school. Jake got rid of anything that could be considered to be used in any type of hair grooming, and took his game to a whole new level. Now on the eve of the conference championships we have a new Jake to rate:

Length - 9
Lack of Grooming - 10
Thickness / Patching - 10
Head hair interaction - 9.5
Bonus points - 6 for resemblance to homeless man
Overall Aggressiveness - 11.125 (wow)

Jake is going to be tough to beat.

Carolina Panthers -

Jake Delhomme-

Jake D. also had a point to prove this season. After making it to the big game 2 years ago the Panthers fell off the map last season failing to make it to the playoffs. Jake dedicated himself to working on his skills this off season instead of his appearance. This has elevated his team to the NFC championship game but is a simple improvement of skills enough to succeed. Not likely. Lets have a look at Jake D's rating:

Length - 0
Lack of Grooming - 2
Thickness / Patching - 2
Head hair interaction - 5
Bonus points - 6 for constant bedhead
Overall Aggressiveness - 3.75

Pittsburgh Steelers -

Ben Roethlisburger -

Big Ben has had nothing but success since entering the league last season. Some say that size, skill and poise have played the most prominent role in this resulting in his team winning as well as him garnering several awards and records. This is a decent argument. But he has also had some sort of facial hair throughout his career. Lets see how he rates:

Length - 4
Lack of Grooming - 5
Thickness / Patching - 6
Head hair interaction - 5.5
Bonus points - 7 for wrestler like appearance and for accenting his beard with a dip
Overall Aggressiveness - 7.125

Not bad. But for the past few weeks Ben has turned it up a notch in his pursuit of a title. Following Jake Plummers dislike of grooming he has rapidly increased his beard aggressiveness. Lets have a look at how the current Ben rates:

Length - 6
Lack of Grooming - 7.5
Thickness / Patching - 8
Head hair interaction - 9
Bonus points - 7 for resemblance to Chuck Norris' beard
Overall Aggressiveness - 9.375

Big Ben is all business this playoff season.

Seattle Seahawks -

Matt Hasselbeck -

Matt has had a solid year turning the Seahawks into Super Bowl contenders. Not a lot can be said about his beard status outside of the evidence that he will sometimes not shave for a few days before games. Let's get to the rating:

Length - [1]
Lack of Grooming - 4
Thickness / Patching - 5
Head hair interaction - 3
Bonus points - 5 for lack of fear in showing balding head and occasional 4 day growth
Overall Aggressiveness - 4.0

Now that we have all of the starting QB's Beard to Success Ratio's, lets look at the matchups:

NFC
Carolina, Jake Delhomme (3.75 BSR) vs. Seattle, Matt Hasselbeck (4.0 BSR)
Winner - Seattle, Matt Hasselbeck (4.0 BSR)

AFC
Denver, Jake Plummer (11.125 BSR) vs. Pittsburgh, Ben Roethlisburger (9.375 BSR)
Winner - Denver, Jake Plummer (11.125 BSR)

SUPER BOWL
Denver, Jake Plummer (11.125 BSR) vs. Seattle, Matt Hasselbeck (4.0 BSR)

Super Bowl Champions - Denver Broncos on the strength of Jake Plummer's exceptional BSR score

If you still doubt my theory, I have more evidence to present. Take the Indianapolis Colts this season. Started 13-0 and were overwhelming favorites to take the crown. However, quarterback and leader Peyton Manning scores an abysmal 1.0 BSR with only 4 bonus points awarded for his freakishly large forehead. Not convinced? Take last season's Philadelphia Eagles. With TO out for the last few weeks of the season and playoffs with a broken leg, many thought the Eagles didn't stand a chance of making it to the big game. But as you will recall, they rode QB Donavan McNabb and the strength of his 8.625 BSR all the way to the Super Bowl.

Peyton- 0 beards 0 Super Bowls McNabb - Strong beard 1 Super Bowl appearance

The BSR theory applies to other sports as well. Take Pau Gasol for example. Seen the last few years as just another soft European big man, Pau spent this offseason growing his beard out to an impressive 7.55 BSR. This season he has raised both his level of play and toughness shedding the soft label and has even began dunking on opponents, as well as making them forget about his incredibly awkward first name.

Pau's raise in BSR equaled a raise in productivity

For further evidence I would like to direct your attention to the 2004 Boston Red Sox and their historic run, resulting in winning their first World Series in over 80 years. Who was it that lead them to this victory?

Johnny Damon's sudden rise in BSR led to a World Series win

Still unsure of my theory in the face of all of this overwhelming evidence? Well then, I will now unveil my final piece of the theory. Evidence so convincing that no educated person could possibly counter-debate....

God.

You see, throughout time from Moses to his own son Jesus to Abraham Lincoln... God has always favored the bearded man. Why this is does not need to be known, it simply is true. And if this is the case, then there can be little left to ponder as to who will lead his team to victory in this years Super Bowl.

God's favorite bearded men... Moses... Jesus............ Jake??

There you have it. The theory is complete, it is sound. Some may question my motives due to the fact that several of our staff writers are bearded, and that I am a die hard Broncos fan. However, Vegas has the Broncos as 8-5 favorites to win the Super Bowl, and as our loyal DH readers can attest, deadlyhippos.com rules. So once again the theory holds true.

In parting, I would like to anounce an early frontrunner in next years Super Bowl race.....

With a full year and an amazing BSR, will next season be the year of Ricky??

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