JT is not a qualified psychiatrist. He is not an expert in the self-help field. He is not an expert on anything. He is simply a man who drinks a pint of whiskey before answering his readers questions and pleas for help... and hopes that in some way he can assist them in their pathways through life... but he probably won't:

First of all, I need to clear up a loose end to a reader response from my first advice column:

No it isn't OK to "cattle brand" a member of your family. I don't care how far removed your cousin is, no boning. We are not in Wales people. It's a simple rule, if you share the same blood, you can't share the same semen. No exceptions.

On to the (bad) advice....

Dear RbH,

Thanks for the question and thanks for being bi-curious. In order to effectively answer this question I will assume that both you and your masseuse are extremely hot... if this isn't true than disregard any advice I give you, and lock yourself into a room until you have saved up enough money to purchase extensive plastic surgery. Just kidding. Ugly people can be attractive in other ways.... like if they're really rich.

Now, back to the question. There is a fairly easy move that you can always use in situations such as these, and it is a move I like to call "grabbing her tits". When I was just a young lad on the playground we called this same move "Tune in Tokyo". If you grab hold of those jaunty udders and she moans oh so softly, then her mind may be telling her no... but her body is telling her yes. If this is the case then march onward my young little hot lesbo, and try a second move called "checking the oil"... but we can get to that in a future advice column. Rest assured however, that you will be having some extremely hot girl on girl action with that masseuse.

Now if you squeeze on her to her glorious perky teat and she pulls back with the quickness of a frightened field mouse, you can always play it off by asking the question, "wow! Are those real?!?" For some reason girls can always get away with this. It's amazing. One girl can just walk up to another at nearly any social event, ask that question, and get a free pass to titty town. Yet every time I try that move I get slapped in the face and then slapped with a restraining order.... equal rights my ass.

Honestly though, if she is already massaging your boobs then you really have little to worry about. Since the time of the Egyptian Pharaoh Akenaton, direct sexual contact has been the most blatant form of hitting on someone known to man. (I realize this is most likely an untrue fact, but I would like to see you try to come up with some way to disprove it).

So go for some face glazing with that hot masseuse. And if it's not to much trouble, videotape it and post it on the web. Please.

Sincerely,

JT

Are those real??

Dear BB,

After much deliberation with my fellow DHers on how to answer this one, I finally came up with an acceptable response to your question.... You and your friend are the biggest slap-dicks of all time. I say this with all seriousness and a clear conscious. the Pink.... PANTHER! What did you think he was a Portuguese man o' war? Also, I heard that Mickey Mouse is a frigate bird and Woody Woodpecker is a feral dingo. Jesus Christ, please tell me you had done every drug available that night.... and that you eventually overdosed causing permanent brain damage and perhaps a noticeable limp. That might begin to explain the level of absolute twaddle and stupidity that you and your fellow assbag have reached. If you still haven't figured out what species the Pink Panther is, please take a field trip to your local zoo find one of the men wearing all khaki and ask them to explain it to you.... be prepared to be slapped repeatedly. Dumbass.

Thanks for the email and keep reading!

JT

Apparently if you do enough drugs you will begin to think the Pink Panther is a lion

Dear Doug hey,

Why did you ask me that? Seriously... why? I have been an advice columnist for well over 5 weeks now and that is the most disgusting question I have ever heard. I can't even think right now because my brain is being overrun by images of your horrid yeast infected asshole. What happened? Were you masturbating with croissant dough? You disgust me... you really do. You are a filthy Danish pig and should be punched repeatedly in the sphincter. Next question!

Humbly yours,

JT

Nigel Powers hates only two things; those who are intolerant of other peoples cultures... and Scandiniavians. I'm sure he can make an exception for Doughy in Denmark.

Dear GJ,

I'm glad you brought this issue to my attention and I hope you are religiously attending those anger management classes I recommended. Wow. (Yoda voice) I sense much anger in this one. Seriously though, they really helped me deal with the rage sparked within me every time I see Eduardo Najera play basketball or when people talk about the movie "Hope Floats".

As for your co-worker, you were right to berate him. It is widely recognized in the man world that smiley faces, winks, in fact any form of typed symbol is forbidden and punishable by verbal degradation and an inquisition into the state of his manhood in front of all of your co-workers.

Here's another fun game to play if this happens to you again. The next time your co-worker / "fagboy" leaves his cubicle, log onto his computer and send out a company wide email that goes something like this:

-Hello fellow work-slaves ;-),

I just wanted to let you know that I am tired. I am tired of hiding my true feelings and my true self. I feel I should let you know that I am gay :-). And I don't mean gay as in happy I mean gay as in I like slurping on penis
0==()(). -

This email should keep your annoying co-worker from sending those even more annoying smiley faces. Because he will most likely be fired or quit his job. Now of course you need to make sure that your co-worker is not actually gay, as that fact would render the entire email pointless. If he isn't than this will work.... trust me.

For everyones benefit I have researched different types of symbols used in emailing, they are as follows:

Some men seriously use these symbols... they are assbags
:^)	Happy	:-ozzZZ	Bored	:-(	Unhappy
:-)	Happy	%-{	Not amused	(:-(	Very Unhappy
:-))	Very Happy	:-I	Indifferent	{:-{	Definitely Unhappy
:-)))))	Ecstatic!	:~/	Really Confused	{8-{	Definitely Very Unhappy
:,-)	So Happy, I'm Crying	#-)	Tired..Partied All Night	%-{	Sad
:'-)	So Happy, I'm Crying	|-(	Very Tired	(:-\	Very Sad
:-D	Laughing	|-I	Sleeping	:-<	Forlorn
:-(|)	Laughing Out Loud	;>)	Smirking	:-...	Heartbroken
:-):-):-)	Guffawing	:-&	Tongue Tied	:'-(	Crying
}:-}	Big Grin	:-x	Sworn To Secrecy	:~(~~	Crying a lot
}8-}	Big Grin, Eyes Open	:-#	Lips Are Sealed	:''')	Weeping
8->	Just Happy	:^)	Tongue In Cheek	:-))-:	Confused
*8((:	Strange	|:-|	Excessively Rigid	*-<|:o)	In A Party Mood

Seriously, who comes up with these half assed hieroglyphics? I need someone to tell at what possible point in your sorry life that you will feel compelled to use the symbol from this chart for "Excessively Rigid".... seriously, I just need an explanation. Email it to me and I promise not to crucify you in front of everyone. Now, if you catch any man using any of these symbols you are well within your rights to elbow them directly in the larynx. If your male co-workers use multiple symbols in an email, then feel free to initiate an office wide beat down on the offender. Get every other man in the office involved and then take this shylock out to the field and handle them like the printer on Office Space. They'll thank you for it in the future.

Your Friend,

JT

This printer was printing smiley faces and was dealt with accordingly.

__________________________

Do you have any tough questions that need answering? Do you need help with the difficulties that life presents you? Then email JT at deadlyhippos@gmail.com or post them on the message board... and if you're lucky he might not answer them in his next advice column.