The only thing the AFC Championship Game and the Civil War have in common is the prevalence of beards among the leaders. All week long the media was obsessed with Jake Plummer's and Ben Roethlisberger's beards. (I'm going to use a neat legal trick and put henceforth "Berger" here so I don't misspell his name consistently.)

        
While only one man here has a beard, Berger does appear to be creating life itself with his own bare hands.

Even august media institutions like the New York Times ran articles about the beards. This means the new masthead slogan at the Times is, "All the news that's fit to print ... especially if beards are involved." Did the Times also analyze the relative strength of the Confederate and Union generals' beards?

Robert E. Lee with his patented "staring you down like you stole somethin'" stare.

Ulysses S. Grant. If Helen of Troy was the face that sailed a thousand ships, Grant was the face...ah hell, this analogy doesn't really work.

Even Deadlyhippos own JT got into the act, producing a highly technic al analysis he inventively titled JT's Beard to Success Ratio Theory which incorporated a rigorous four-part test including length, lack of grooming, thickness/patching, head/hair interaction, along with a nebulous bonus points category which is then divided by four. JT forecast a Denver victory on the strength of Plummer's extraordinary 11.125 BSR. Unfortunately, he did not apply the same analysis to Civil War generals and confirm that the North would win. Plus, JT played basketball at Colorado and now lives in Denver, so his ranking system could be attacked as potentially biased. Regardless, as a bearded 20-something man myself, it was with some joy (other people my age do have beards after all) and some apprehension (other people my age might start growing better beards than mine) that I sat down to chronicle the AFC Championship Game from Denver.

1. Deacon Jones' opening lasts longer than some presidential inaugural address es. OK, we get it, this is a football game and one team wins and the other loses. This isn't the Roman Empire; I think the losers probably won't be ritually sacrificed. In fact, while you and I are going to work tomorrow, they will be polishing their Benz and cashing their final multithousand-dollar check. On the positive side, how about the CBS sports flame burning beside the championship trophy? Just so understated. My hypothesis: Perhaps this is the flame CBS hopes will start the barn burning so they can break out the "barn burner" cliche.

Deacon Jones circa 1964...when he still played football.

2. "No hyperbole needed," says Jim Nantz who is calling the game alongside Phil Simms. Two sentences later, he needs a hyperbole: "Both teams feel like they are riding the wings of destiny." In the event both teams actually enter the stadium on wings of destiny, I apologize to Jim Nantz.

Just a hypothetical question for you, do you think Jim Nantz has ever worn shorts and a t-shirt? Just for like ten seconds.

3. Sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein is wearing an outfit that is going to drive PETA crazy. Do you think she killed the cheetah herself?

Seriously, whoever scanned this autographed picture of BB and put it on the internet needs to get out more often.

4. We are informed that Denver coach Mike Shanahan played the lack of respect card to his team just before they entered the stadium. When is the "lack of respect" card going to cease being effective? Let's review exactly what the Broncos have done: Won their division, received a home playoff game, won a playoff game, lasted longer than 28 other teams and got paid roughly the gross national product of Lithuania to play a game. I'd say that's pretty good respect. In fact, every NFL team is over respected, but that's another column ... and presumably a less effective encouragement.

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5. Phil Simms' "Spotlight" tells us that Denver's offense will have "formations for run and pass." Solid work as it eliminates other offensive formations such as the "France" (surrender with honor) and the "limp noodle" (resembles the France except instead of surrendering everyone just curls up into the fetal position and gets kicked).

6. I think the PGA Tour works harder on its commercials than any other league. I think that's odd because I feel that most PGA fans work the least at their jobs of any sports fans. The PGA commercial makes the intriguing connection between birds and birdies. It would have been much more interesting if they had incorporated the recent data that birds used to hunt ancient man. Did anyone else see this? Yep, birds. From the ClayNation perspective this seems like a pretty good trade ... birds don't hunt us anymore, but occasionally they drop crap on us. Score one for evolution.

Talk trash at your own peril.

7. Why does anyone think the Steelers are going to run in the first half? Berger throws the first three passes for completions and then Champ Bailey misses an interception and it goes off his helmet ... for a first-down completion to Hines Ward.

8. Willie Parker is stripped by Al Wilson and Denver recovers. But we have a challenge for the first time. Simms misses the call after taking the position that this was a fumble. Fumble call reversed.

9. Speaking of m issed calls, while we've got the challenge, it's time for ClayNation Correction No. 1. In my column last Monday, I confidently asserted that CBS college basketball announcer Bill Raftery was errantly calling his broadcast partner Ian Eagle "Verne" as in Verne Lundquist. Worse, I even channeled Ian Eagle's mother to discuss how angry she must have been. Unfortunately for me, as Ian Eagle himself said in an e-mail:

"Read your column today and had to chuckle. While you probably weren't the only one in America under the impression that Raf was calling me "Verne" during the Alabama/Kentucky CBS telecast, in actuality he was saying "Bird" as in Eagle. Bill and I started working Nets games together back in 1995 and over the years have probably broadcast over 500 basketball games with one another -- but your premise was amusing. In fact, we'll be in Nashville over the weekend for the Mississippi State/Vanderbilt game, unless I get late word from the network that Verne Lundquist is replacing me on play by play."

In light of how normal this e-mail was and how well he handled this goof, Ian Eagle has become my new favorite announcer ... and his mother should be very proud no matter what screwoffs like me say. Back to the game.

Ian to the m'f'in Eagle

10. These Bud Light commercial challenges (stay past five at work on a Friday, eat at a table with your girlfriend without checking out a table of hot chicks) are classic. A new one features this guy going shopping during a playoff game. I've developed a new reward system for beer commercials that has absolutely no impact on anyone but my fragile sense of beer commercial karma. Anytime I particularly like a commercial, I purchase that beer to begin my night. I feel like in some way this encourages the production of better beer commercials.

11. Nate Washington makes his first catch of the season ... how does this happen? A whole season, and then he gets broken out for the championship game? Further, where in the world is his school, Tiffin? I think he might not have had a catch until now because it took the Steelers this long to find him. Berger goes deep to the end zone for Washington, but Dominque Foxworth is aware Tiffin is located in the bustling metropolis of Tiffin, Ohio. According to their Web site, Aaron Long from the class of 2003 had this to say: "It's a challenging program that is well worth it in the end." Seriously, what quote did this beat out to be featured on the front page of the school? Tomorrow it should just say, "Tiffin: Nate Washington went here."

Come to Tiffin, where it always snows.

12. Steelers kicker Jeff Reed drills a 47-yard field goal. 3-0 Steelers.

13. Speaking of field-goal kickers, di d anyone else see Mike Vanderjagt drill a field-goal on David Letterman's show? I'm sure this made Colts fans everywhere feel better. Personally, instead of kicking field goals, I wish Letterman had gotten a tattoo of his own first name beside his ankle to match Vanderjagt's "Mike" tattoo.

Is this some sort of outrageous trend that I'm not aware of, to scan your autographs? What is anyo ne trying to prove? First of all, who would lie about having Mike Vanderjagt's autograph? Secondly, who cares enough to call you on it?

14. There is a Sony HD commercial with the famous Stanford-Cal college football kickoff return into the band replicated using small plastic players. I don't have HD ... rather than making me want HD, this commercial just makes me dislike Sony HD for making fun of how I'm currently having to watch the game. My dad informs me that he used to play this game with football players when he was a kid and that sometimes the players ran the wrong way.

15. Plummer gets decked on a sack and fumbles ... recovery by Casey Hampton of Pittsburgh.

16. Jerome Bettis' parents get some air time. Somehow Bettis's dad looks like he is in better shape than Bettis himself.

17. Touchdown pass on third-and-9; Berger to Cedrick Wilson. 10-0 Steelers.

Ahh, sweet memories of a time when UT still scored touchdowns.

18. Simms makes a nice point about the necessity of throwing off your back foot in big games and illustrates this via Berger's touchdown pass. This is why you love Phil Simms because he watches enough football to actually be able to occasionally decimate a cliche.

Again with the autographs.

19. Denver goes for it on fourth down at midfield and Mike Anderson gets it on a second effort. I don't want to say Mike Shanahan looked strained ... but his life insurance premium just doubled.

If Shanahan ever retires from coaching he can spend the remainder of his life playing Native American extras in westerns.

20. Denver runs on third-and-10, essentially settling for a 23-yard field goal with Jason Elam. 10-3 Steelers.

21. Jim Nantz calls out Phil Simms for a 100-yard dash challenge. Simms demurs, "You know, that's a lot," he says.

22. Another third-down conversion for Pittsburgh. Berger is 12-for-16 for 165 yards. The two-minute w arning is reached with the Steelers inside the 5. Denver needs another Champ Bailey-esque defensive play. Unfortunately, they don't get it, and everyone can hear Bettis screaming after his touchdown, "Aaaahhhhh." (This is my best representation of the sound ... conveniently it's also what ancient man sounded like when a bird carried him away). 17-3 Steelers.

Alas, poor Yorick thou didst not duck when thy winged serpent did dive.

23. Plummer tosses a soft lob down the sid eline and is picked off. Uh-oh for Denver.

24. Bettis scores ... on an illegal formation. That guy from Pittsburgh who had the heart attack probably just had another one. Bill Cowher with a rueful smile on the sideline.

25. Berger rolls left and hits Hines Ward in the back of the end zone. Berger is mobbed by his teammates as he dances his own version of the Super Bowl Shuffle. 24-3 Pittsburgh in the midst of absolute silence in Denver.

26. The half ends and the Denver crowd boos the team ... this is always crazy to me. How do you boo a team with home-field advantage in the playoffs? This isn't Week 16 in Houston.

27. Was anyone else blown away by the rap song to open the second half? Somewhere Tupac just rolled over in his grave. And Deacon Jones again? This qualifies as his second inaugural address. Taking a page from Abraham Lincoln's second inaugural, this one is entitled: "With Malice Towards All."

                  
Deacon Jone's page is on this podium...here's the page itself.

28. Steelers begin the second half by immediately converting two more third-down passes for first downs. Ultimately the Steelers take a delay of game penalty and decide to punt. Gardocki pins the ball on the 3. I don't want to say everything is going the Steelers way, but NBC's team of Super Bowl rap song writers is alrea dy looking up every word that rhymes with Bettis.

29. Denver comes out revitalized, energized, fueled with passion and ... loses 2 yards on three plays before punting from the end zone.

30. Cowher is 101-1 with an 11-point lead or larger. Just unbelievable. Pittsburgh buries Denver inside the 3 again but wins a challenge to take possession at the 20.

31. Denver has 21 minutes left to score 21 points.

32. Spectacular catch by Rod Smith for a 32-yard third-down reception. Plummer celebrates by announcing he will audition to play David Korresh in an upcoming biopic.

Ok, I sort of stole this line from Entourage but they were talking about Vince not Jake.

33. The NFL should make those three Nextel dancing guys the halftime show. Or at least make the Asian guy the deejay. Seriously ... please do this.

34. Plummer to Ashley Lelie from 30 yards out ... touchdown. 24-10 Steelers.

35. Early in the fourth quarter, the Broncos sack Berger to leave Jeff Reed with a 42-yard attempt. His kick is perfect. 27-10 Steelers. NBC rappers are trying to rhyme Gardocki now. "Wears Super Bowl Sockies," is the early favorite.

Honestly, I thought I was the only person to have ever rocked the spike in the part. It's all yours now.

36. Denver with a good start after a big return, but Plummer is immediately picked off by Larry Foote.

37. Oh man, just pour salt in the wounds for Denver fans. Berger wears No. 7 for John Elway. Not that Berger's trying to rub it in further, but I heard he's also planning on namin g his first born son Terrell.

38. How much do you think Suzy Kolber and Rich Eisen had to get paid to do those Diet Pepsi machine commercials?

39. Jake Plummer escapes 15 sacks before completing a pass to Mike Anderson to gain 2 yards. Unfortunately, there's a penalty, so there isn't even a gain.

40. Plummer hits Lelie for a gain of 38. On the ensuing play, Plummer somehow escapes a sack before flinging the ball downfield for a pass interference call. Is the Snake coming out of hibernation?

41. Mike Anderson scores a few plays later to make it 27-17 Steelers with just under eight minutes to play.

42. I just don't understand how kickers ever put the kickoffs out of bounds. This is the legal equivalent of showing up at the dry cleaners to argue a case. Steelers take over at the 40. But the Broncos hold the Steelers to three-and-out and take over possession at the 19.

43. Do you think Peyton Manning is sitting at home right now thinking, "Couldn't they have not put on my MasterCard commercial during the AFC championship if I wasn't playing?" At the very least, hopefully he is following my advice and watching the game with Ron Artest.

This has to stop....now.

44. The Steelers finally drag down Plummer for a sack. Bringing up a fourth-and-10 with five minutes left. O nce again the Steelers meet at Plummer and cause a fumble. Fourth turnover of the game for the Broncos.

45. Just to make you all want to kick your grandfather, the Steelers were purchased for $2,500 back in 1933. In the next two weeks, several hundred thousand people will spend more than this to watch the Steelers play on new flat screens ... or for tickets to the game itself.

46. Simms hits anecdote gold with a story about the Steelers owner offering a kid and his father a ride to the game when they couldn't find a cab at last year's AFC championship. Berger rolls left and scores on a bootleg ... 34-17 Steelers.

47. Nice towel hanging in the stands: "Detroit Recalls Bus No. 36." This is going to become the most famous trip home since Thomas Wolfe went back to Asheville. But seriously, Jerome Bettis is a multimillionaire. Has he not been able to afford to return to Detroit at all during his NFL career? Regardless, if the NFC tea m is smart, they'll look to cancel out the power of Jerome Bettis' amazing homecoming by signing his father for short yardage plays. Game over, and the Steelers are heading to Detroit.

Little known fact, Thomas Wolfe was known as "Teabag" in college.

48. Amid the postgame celebration comes the only fumble of the day for Pittsburgh as Berger drops his championship hat before attempting to shake hands with Jake Plummer. In case you w ere wondering, this is the AFC championship version of the surrender at Appomattox between Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant.