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Vandy v. Richmond: Jay Cutler for Heisman (seriously)
9/30/05
by Clay

I attended my first game of the college football season this past Saturday when I was visiting Nashville. Shockingly Vanderbilt v. Richmond was not the CBS game of the week.

1. Arrive for weakest tailgate in the West End area at 2:45 (believe me this is really saying something). Chris Leak has just thrown a touchdown pass after crossing the line of scrimmage to tie the Kentucky game at 7-7. Remarkably the instant replay does not come into play. Again I reiterate my opposition to the current system.

2. We have expansively defined "tailgate" to actually include Tardio's rented condo.

3. My wife, Lara, enters carrying chili she has prepared. I am not trusted to carry any food other than unopened potato chips.

4. Tardio and another lawyer, Morriss, are sitting on the couch. "If the chicks next door ask, I am twenty-four," Tardio says. I nod. Tardio continues, "If a chick ever asks how old I am for the next ten years, I am going to be twenty-four." I nod again. Tardio is 26.

5. Florida scores 49 unanswered points. Kentucky grad Tardio bitches about Leak crossing the line of scrimmage on the first play. "That was a big call," he says.

6. Tardio tells the story about how he ended up buying a legitimate bar for his front room. "We went to Watson's and every bar was two grand. That was too much. Then they have this old beat up bar over in the corner with stuff laying all over it so I ask the sales guy about that. While he's gone, my roommate and I agree we'll give up to $800. When the sales person comes back he shrugs his shoulders and says,

'I don't know, how about $350.'
Without batting an eye, I say, 'I'll give you $300.'

So now Tardio has a bar and everyone in Nashville should want him to be their lawyer.

7. Discussion about the Watson's advertising chick and how much appeal she first had in circa 1992 when the commercials first began in Nashville. Now, she's got to be pushing 40. Of course she has a website.

I'm thinking about booking her for the next tailgate.

Here is the Watson's chick with Eddie George. Unfortunately her picture with Tom Arnold did not cut and paste well.

8. Lara and I throw football during halftime. She practices calling a fair catch in case she ever has to return punts in the future.

9. The neighbors begin having a legitimate tailgate. Vandy girls arrive wearing slim to no clothing and two girls begin riding a two person bicycle that has been painted gold. If two men ever rode that bike, they would deserve to be beaten to within an inch of their life, but two hot chicks can do anything and it's cool. Tardio leaves to buy liquor. "Twenty-four," he says again before leaving.

10. Tardio returns with three huge plastic flasks and begins to fill them all up with whiskey.

11. "I don't know why you are taking so much liquor," Lara says.
"Jack and cokes," Tardio says as he continues to expertly pour at his own bar.
"Clay doesn't drink coke," Lara says.
"What?" Tardio asks.
"He doesn't like brown pop." Lara says. She uses the word pop because she is from Michigan.
Tardio looks at me and shakes his head.

The above conversation should be a warning to all men contemplating marriage. It's also all true.

12. Weatherholt calls. "Rich Brooks has to go."

13. Kentucky scores three times with their backup quarterback. Weatherholt calls again, "Are you still watching? What if we won this game?" Kentucky doesn't score again. Final score: Florida 49 Kentucky 28.

14. Despite living a long post pass from Dudley Field, we arrive on Natchez Trace after the kickoff has already occurred.

15. Vandy fans everywhere seem content to stay at their tailgate parties rather than enter the stadium.

16. Tardio utters the phrase, "Oh man," for the first time in response to a passing crowd of sorority girls. It will be followed in close succession for the remainder of the night by the following other phrases. "Ridiculous," "I mean...", "Oh god," "Just lights out," and "I want to go back to college."

17. The stadium is basically full of Vanderbilt fans. This is the first time I ever remember this happening. Vandy trails Richmond 3-0 but the weather is perfect and so is Vandy's record.

This is the middle of Vanderbilt's field. I just thought it was time for a picture. Enjoy.

18. I attempt to explain the difference between the nickel and dime defense to Lara. "The nickle has five DB's and the dime has six DB's," I say.
"What's a DB?" Lara asks.

19. Vandy fans like to feel superior based on their more intelligent fan base. This might be true based on the students. But the fans surrounding us had a collective IQ of about 43. In fact, the man behind me responded to every activity that occurred, good or bad, by saying, "God dawg."

20. Jay Cutler deserves to be considered for the Heisman trophy. This is the part of the column where it actually has something to with football.

No other single player in college football is the reason his team has won three more games than they otherwise would have. Jay Cutler has led Vanderbilt to fourth quarter wins over Wake Forest, Arkansas, and Ole Miss. You'd be hard pressed to find a Vanderbilt fan who would disagree with this statement, "Without Jay Cutler, Vanderbilt is 0-3 to start the season."

This guy's name is also Jay Cutler and evidently he is famous for having testicles the size of shelled peanuts.

Unfortunately Jay Cutler plays for Vanderbilt and without an extensive marketing effort by the school, he is likely to be overlooked. So I decided to do some work for the marketing department and compare Cutler's stats to presumptive Heisman frontrunner, Vince Young.

Despite having stated in a previous column that I was jealous of Mac Brown's position in the this picture, Jay Cutler is more important to his team.

Vince Young passed for 173 yards and ran for 49 in their opening win over Louisiana-Lafayette. This represented 222 of the 591 total yards for Texas or 38% of the team's offense.

Vince Young passed for 270 and ran for 76 in the Ohio State game which represented a whopping 346 of 382 total yards or 91% of the team's offense.

Finally, Vince Young passed for 101 yards and ran for 77 to account for 178 of his team's 483 yards of total offense against Rice or 37% of the team's offense.

In total? Vince Young has 746 total yards both passing and running which accounts for 51% of his team's offensive yardage.

Evidently the piercing gaze of the media makes Jay cold. Hence the fleece.

Jay Cutler had 276 yards passing and 89 rushing on the road against Wake Forest for a total of 365 yards. The entire Vanderbilt team had 422 yards. Cutler accounted for 86% of the team's offensive output.

Jay Cutler passed for 278 yards and rushed for -1 against Arkansas. Vanderbilt had 408 yards of total offense of which Cutler's yards accounted for 68%.

Finally Jay Cutler had 314 yards passing and 58 rushing for a total of 370 yards against Ole Miss. As a team Vanderbilt had 523 so Cutler accounted for 71% of the team's offense.

In total? Jay Cutler has amassed 1012 yards both passing and running to represent a whopping 75% of Vanderbilt's total offense through the first three games. There are few players in college football who have represented that high of a percentage of a team's total offense while leading them to victory. I am well aware that the preceeding sentence was hugely expansive, but I refuse to analyze every other player in college football. If you have a particular player who represents more than 75% of his team's offense, email me his name and stats and I will tell you why you are wrong and Jay Cutler is more deserving of the Heisman."

Clearly, Cutler's best case lies in the degree to which he makes his own team better. I.e. if you take away Vince Young from Texas they probably finish 9-2 or 8-3 at worst. If you take away Jay Cutler from Vanderbilt, they definitely don't win the first three games of the season and probably finish at best with a 3-8 record. Texas fans will also gripe that Young did not go all the way against both Rice and La. Lafayette, but they will also have to acknowledge that their team's national title aspirations might rest on Vince Young, but not their route to a winning record. Furthermore, Vince Young is surrounded by future NFL players on offense, Jay Cutler might not be surrounded by any other player on offense who even gets drafted.

In summation, if Jay Cutler and Vandy can beat either LSU, Georgia, UT, or Florida to get a truly marquee win and finish with 7 or more victories, then Cutler deserves to be one of the five finalists invited to New York because no other single player will have been more valuable to his team. Period.

21. Jay Cutler leads Vandy into the half with a 17-6 victory.

22. Vanderbilt point guard Mario Moore comes out to rap a Ludacris song with the Vandy band as a backdrop.

23. That bears repeating. Mario Moore comes out to rap a Ludacris song with the Vandy band as a backdrop. Lara, Tardio, and I are incredulous. I'm even more incredulous when I realize later that weekend that Vanderbilt's sports information department put out a press release on the performance.

24. Mario Moore is wearing capris and no one in the entire stadium can hear anything he is rapping. I lean over to Tardio and inform him that Mario Moore's facebook.com picture is the cover of the Athlon preseason magazine. When I attempt to prove this by logging onto the facebook.com again, Moore has already replaced it with the below picture of him rapping.

Yes, these are capris.

25. I wonder whether Ludacris will sue for damages.

26. Vanderbilt uses a clip from one of the greatest films of all time, Varsity Blues, to fire up the crowd.

Unfortunately this was not the clip.

27. Every play is reviewed on instant replay. The man behind me has further, "God dawg" fits. Clearly this instant replay system is not working efficiently. One of the reviews lasts for approximately twenty-three minutes. Coincidentally this is also the amount of time per day that Mario Moore's basketball teammates should make fun of him for wearing capris.

28. Cutler channels Jonathon Moxon and blows out Richmond before Tardio finishes his super-sized flask. Final score 37-13. If you do not know who Jonathon Moxon is, I have no interest in ever speaking to you.

The Mox is impressed, Vandy is 4-0.

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