Occasionally one game can define a season. It's too early for the University of Tennessee football team to know exactly what the lasting implications of their come from behind victory over LSU last night will be, but one thing is certain: Phil Fulmer's teams don't ever quit playing their hearts out. It wasn't my intention to keep a game diary because this week's game came so closely upon the heels of my Florida-Tennessee game diary. But in reading the columns and game articles from the Tennessean, it's occurred to me that no one has done a decent job encapsulating this game experience. So here goes based entirely upon my own recollections with chronological numerical accompaniment.

 

1. Bob Davie and Ron Franklin are calling this game for ESPN 2. Someone at ESPN needs to be shot for breaking up the Ron Franklin and Mike Gottfried tandem. I kept hoping this was an error. Somehow Franklin and Gottfried's voices were perfect for night football in the SEC. You could easily picture these two guys actually talking to one another outside of the game. As is, Bob Davie sounds like exactly what he is, a goofy interloper that you wish would leave.

 

 

2. Junaid calls, "I hate Bob Davie too," he says.

 

3. Les Miles looks like Madonna with that goofy headset on (nod to LSU fan JB for the imagery). For a moment this makes me think about Madonna's famous bra. Then my mind flashes to this thought: "What kind of underwear is Les Miles wearing?" Hey wait...

 

 

4. UT potentially fumbles the opening kickoff. Where is Verne when you need him?

 

5. Erik Ainge fumbles at his own twenty. Just inexcusable. He saw the blitz coming. Uh-oh.

 

6. LSU quarterback Jamarcus Russell is introduced on the television screen. Underneath his name it says something like, "Housed Fats Domino." Apparently this fact is more important than such trifling stats as yardage, touchdowns, interceptions, year, and the intricate difference between Jamarcus and plain old Marcus. Proving that the media has absolutely nothing else to talk about, this represents the 139th time I have heard the Jamarcus Russell housed Fats Domino after Hurricane Katrina story.

 

 

6. LSU touchdown on a 19 yard run. Cut to sideline for pained Phil Fulmer look.

 

7. Jamarcus Russell fumbles the snap and UT recovers. I feel like there's an appropriate analogy in a Fats Domino song but I have no idea what songs Fats Domino sings. By the way, did you know Fats Domino stayed with Jamarcus Russell after Hurricane Katrina?

 

8. Lots of offensive offensive play for Tennessee. Cut to Fulmer for further pained looks.

 

9. LSU runs the flea flicker. A play forever memorialized as right b for the New York Giants in Super Tecmo Bowl which would lead to a Phil Simms pass to Stephen Baker. It works for a 47 yard gain to the three. Somewhere my friend Doug is giggling, "Flea flicker, flea flicker," he's saying with a silly grin. Then deadpanning, "Don't get mad. Baker's the touchdown maker."

Let's be clear...anyone who didn't love Super Tecmo Bowl was a communist.

10. Touchdown LSU. 14-0. Cut to pained Fulmer.

 

11. More offensive inefficiency for UT. Defense keeps us in the game. 

 

12. LSU downs the ball inside the one. Was I the only UT fan screaming, "Punt on first down," at the television.

 

13. Tennessee quarterback Erik Ainge throws the worst interception in the history of college football. I'm not accepting any arguments otherwise. It was underhanded and was thrown so softly it wouldn't have given Marsha Brady one blackeye. 21-0 LSU.

 

 

14. How bad was this interception? If a quarterback in girl's powder puff football threw that pass and you were the coach, you would pull her from the game and never let her play quarterback ever again.

 

 

15. The 27 calls. "Oh man," he says, "oh man." At least he remembered the right phone number this time. 

16. Gamely, I weather the 27's verbal onslaught by refusing to acknowledge that the game is over.

 

17. Rick Clausen arrives at quarterback after we fumble the opening kickoff and luckily recover. I respect Rick Clausen because he is the ugliest quarterback in SEC history.

 

 

18. We punt. Something the Vol offense has spent most of their season doing thus far. So far our crazy punter has not done anything crazy. He is, however, still a punter.

 

19. LSU drives to end the half before Jamarcus Russell inexplicably scrambles with no timeouts and is tackled on the field of play at his own five. Time expires and this represents the best play of the half for the Vols.

 

20. I call my parents and my mom answers. "Dad said you wouldn't call at halftime today and that you turned off the television on the interception."

"I didn't turn off the television."

"Really?" my mom asks.

"Really," I say.

"I'm proud of you," she says.

My mom is like Jerry Seinfeld's mom in Seinfeld. Everything I do is evidence of what a good person I am. How could anyone not like me? I don't even turn off the television when my team is getting spanked.

My mom is like Jerry's mom...except southern instead of jewish. And real life instead of make believe.

21. My dad takes the phone. "That was pretty ugly," he says.

 

22. I return my college roommate Cliff's taunting telephone call. "It's a long game," I say by way of Volunteer defense. Somewhere the cliche gods are cursing me.

 

 

23. In a bit of rash optimism I reference the Volunteers comeback to take the game into overtime against LSU back in 2000 behind A.J. Suggs in a call with Junaid. We both agree that our offense has looked horrible. And Junaid points this out, "We've scored one touchdown in the last eight quarters," he says. Ouch.

 

24. We get the opening stop of the second half.

 

25. Unlike Erik Ainge, Rick Clausen is willing to throw a pass for less than ten yards. We begin to move down the field.

 

26. Gerald Riggs fumbles a handoff on first and goal. My heart lands in my throat for a perilous two seconds.

 

27. Touchdown 21-7. Bret Smith the touchdown maker...Bret Smith the touchdown maker...Bret Smith the touchdown maker. I figure if I say it enough sooner or later it will catch on.

 

 

28. Our defense allows a couple of decent runs and LSU's kicker makes a field goal that is never higher in the air than Les Miles' ridiculous baseball cap on top of his head. 24-7 LSU.

 

29. I curse and stew over this field goal. Speaking aloud once again to an empty room I say, "That was big."

 

30. It dawns on me that we're going to have to score at least 17 points in one quarter after scoring 31 for the entire season.

 

31. Undaunted Clausen leads us down the field. At fourth and goal we let the clock run down and call a timeout. I curse and scream. I hate when teams don't make their minds up in advance for what they're going to do. In UT's defense it is the fourth quarter now and this is the ball game.

 

32. Rick Clausen scores on a quarterback sneak. I exhale.

 

33. On third and eight for LSU Jonathon Hefney steps in front of a Jamarcus Russell pass and returns it all the way to the three. During this play I was completely silent because I didn't believe it was actually happening.

 

 

34. We score to make it 24-21. LSU's defense looks extremely tired.

 

35. ESPN shows a promo for the Delta Queen riverboat. Is this really the best time for this? Especially when you are showing archived footage taken in the daylight. Does anyone on earth actually care where Bob Davie and Ron Franklin stayed?

 

 

36. UT gets the ball back after a three and out. During the commercial break I practice high-stepping down my hallway to stay loose.

 

37. Spoken aloud, "Now is the time for a draw." Fulmer channels the VI and Riggs darts downfield to gain twenty yards. Suddenly we're very close to field goal range and I want the clock to keep ticking.

 

38. UT fullback Corey Anderson drops a touchdown pass. I fall to the ground on my knees and look to the heavens. Then I realize I look something like Brandi Chastain minus the sports bra.

 

 

39. UT converts on a big third down with Riggs off right tackle. I contemplate naming my first son Gerald.

 

40. Clausen takes two shots at the end zone. LSU fans everywhere are sweating po'boys.

 

41. Wilhoit comes in and drills a field goal. Camera pans to Les Miles. He looks clueless.

 

42. UT stops LSU and forces a punt.

 

43. The Travis Rule again comes into play: Always fair catch punts on the road in the SEC. Seriously, adopt it. Luckily UT's return man retrieves his own fumble.

 

44. Clausen is on the sideline making some ridiculous motions. He looks like Rambo right before he saves the prisoner.

 

45. Clausen channels Rambo part five and throws his worst pass of the night which is intercepted. All I can do is shake my head. Where was the patented UT draw in that situation. (Note: any true Vol fan knows that UT always runs the draw in this situation.)

 

46. Les Miles attempts to call timeout until a student manager shoves him to the sideline before the ref sees him. This is ridiculous on several levels. a. you are payed over a million dollars a year and aren't able to recall that the clock always stops on a change of possession. b. a student manager is cooler under the collar than you are. c. your cap is so tall on your head there's no way the blood flow can be constricted. Man, this was bad for LSU fans with a new coach.

 

 

47. Jamarcus Russell throws a ball approximately 75 yards in the air into the endzone on a hail mary. Apparently the extra JA on his name has turned his arm into a literal rocket.

 

 

48. Overtime. We win the toss. After one eleven yard gain for LSU, our defense stiffens.

 

49. LSU's kicker, Chris Jackson (the white one without Taurette's) sneaks a fieldgoal just inside the right goalpost. How close was it? There was much more air in Les Miles' baseball cap than between the ball and the goalpost.

 

 

50. Gerald Riggs is a warrior. A beast among men, Serpentor among the Cobras.

 

 

51. Man to man, for the win, Riggs overpowers LSU's linebacker and then casts him aside like a common servant. The entire stadium is silent. Our first and only lead of the game. UT wins. Oh dear god, UT wins.

 

 

52. Did I mention UT wins, oh dear god, UT wins.

 

53. The 27 calls. I'm borderline incoherent. My dad calls, he is borderline incoherent. I high step down my hallway. 

 

54. Fulmer and Clausen are interviewed. I want Clausen to take a shot at LSU and their fans. He is classier than I am. Moments before I informed the 27 that they better start pumping harder in New Orleans because the tears of LSU fans are going to increase the flooding.

 

 

55. Later Fulmer shows why he is a great coach, because unlike lots of coaches today he never claims to be infallible:"He was mad as heck at me and should have been," Fulmer added. "I was wrong. I've been wrong before, and I'll be wrong again. But Rick came in and did what he does best."

 

56. I love Gerald Riggs.

 

 

57. For better or worse this is Rick Clausen's team. Just a seismic victory for the Vols.

 

58. Final message, irony can be a bitch.

 

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