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Tennessee v. Florida 2005 part two, which was nasty and brutish but not short
9/23/05
by Clay

When last I wrote it was half-time and I had just finished leaving a gloating message suggesting that Florida quarterback Chris Leak had female genitalia. Everything seemed to be going UT's way as the second half began...

10:03 Florida receiver Andre Caldwell is knocked out of the game returning the opening kickoff. I realize this probably makes me a sissy, but both teams show good sporstmanship as he is carted off the field.

10:04 Verne serves notice of how he got this job forty-eight years ago with a great anecdote about how Parys Haralson's mom chose to spell his name with a y because "Parys with a y sounded more masculine that Paris with an I."

Say the French, "Parys with a y, bof."

10:08 No, no, no. There needs to be a rule, in big college road games, always fair catch the punt unless you have previously returned one for a touchdown. Dropped punt, Florida recovers.

10:09 Jesse Mahelona gets the Vols fourth sack of the night. Leading to the 458th CBS sports mention of the fact that he is from Hawaii in the past year and a half. Speaking of which, why do people who move or visit Hawaii feel compelled to begin and end emails with Hawaiin sayings like Aloha and Mahalo? Ok, big deal you're in Hawaii, I get it.

Aloha and mahalo to you too Jesse.

10:21 Our redshirt freshman punter Britton Colquitt just faked a punt from his own 32. This kid is officially crazy and I'm surprised he can even wear a jock with balls this big. Which part of this is the most surprising, you're a freshman...on the road...against a top-10 team and bitter rival...the score is 10-7...and without being instructed...you throw a pass on fourth down...from your own 32...when you are a punter. Decision-making has clearly not been Britton Colquitt's strongsuit thus far in his college career as he has also been arrested three times for underage alcohol possession. Either that or this guy has the worst luck of any college kid.

"Freshman punter Britton Colquitt, brother of All-America punter Dustin Colquitt, has been indefinitely suspended from the team, coach Phillip Fulmer said. The Daily Beacon student newspaper reported that Colquitt was caught Saturday by campus police with a can of beer outside a fraternity house. It was his third arrest in less than seven months for underage possession of alcohol, the newspaper said."

Three times in seven months? At this point, I have a new favorite Volunteer because you truly have no idea what is going to happen every time this guy steps on the field. He's the Mike Vick of punters (assuming he has herpes).

At least his collar isn't popped up.

10:26 Verne strikes anecdote gold...we learn that Jesse Mahelona is from Hawaii again.

10:32 Field goal is good. Double turnover bullets dodged. I'm feeling pretty decent about our chances considering how badly the second half has started.

10:33 No true UT fan will ever forget the sheer terror that overwhelmed you every time Steve Spurrier's quarterback dropped back to pass. Most of the time, I actually thought, just please don't let this pass be a touchdown. It's been four years since that feeling and I don't miss it at all. The fear is gone.

Overheard from Spurrier's office in Columbia after the Alabama game. "I'm Steve Spurrier damn it. I'm Steve Spurrier damn it. I'm Steve Spurrier damn it..."

10:34 Was anyone else's Michelob Ultra beer commercial in Spanish? Or was this a Caribbean commercial only? I'm sure this game was very popular in Guadalahara. Regardless, the commercial was really disappointing because usually spanish television shows just have a hot chick dancing around to some song that sounds like Gasolina with hardly any clothes on. This commercial didn't. And surprisingly, there was neither a fire engine truck sound or a whistle involved.

The man behind Gasolina. Proving that Hispanic people everywhere love any song with a fire engine and a whistle sound.

10:44 My man Britton Colquitt returns to the field and drops an eight yard punt on the trembling Florida Gators. For the record he kicked the ball approximately four yards less than he threw it on the fake field goal. On the sideline, Phil Fulmer gives him a head rub. This brings up the head rub rule: any time a coach rubs your head, you are one play away from losing your scholarship and every fan for your team wants you quartered.

Unless, that is, you played for Goldie Hawn's Wildcats.

10:48 Another terrorist attack ad with the young girl. Leaving me wondering, can we just give the girl to Osama and call it even?

10:52 Boo birds again from the Florida Gator fans. This seals it for me, Florida fans have no perspective, knowledge, or understanding of the game of football. You are leading the #5 team in the country and haven't beaten them at home since 1999 and have a brand new coach, and you boo? Just idiots.

Sit on it and spin, Urban Meyer.

10:54 Dallas Baker makes a big catch on 3rd and 19. The 27 has a wet dream while awake.

"And sometimes...if I get really mad...I slap other men after the whistle."

10:56 Another conversion on 3rd and 11. This game is starting to slip away. If I were single and at a bar, this is when the fat chick with a bag of cheetos starts looking my way.

11:00 CBS Caribbean switches to the opening credits of Seinfeld.

"What's the deal with..." I'm going to kill you.

11:01 All fourteen employees at CBS Caribbean in charge of making sure that the game doesn't get switched, wake up to telephone calls.

11:03 The game returns in time for the Vols to finally get a third down stop. Field goal is good, 16-7 is score.

11:06 UT only has one timeout. We need a big play now.

11:08 Bad snap, oh christ, the ball is still rolling. Ainge recovers it somewhere around Ocala.

11:09 Where, oh where, has our run game gone. Gerald Riggs was unstoppable in the first half. Where has he been before catching this futile screen pass?

11:10 We line up to punt. No, no, no you have to go for it or else we won't get the ball again.

11:17 Chris Leak drops the ball on a rollout and we get the ball back again. Phil Fulmer reconsiders having me on speed dial for consultation.

11:21 We need ten points in 4:29. We're officially done. Congrats Florida.

11:23 4th and 24. Smartly Ainge throws a ten yard pass that falls incomplete.

11:25 We lose.

11:26 I hope Urban Meyer dies a cold and lonely death and that Chris Leak's boyfriend breaks up with him.

No straight man would ever pose for this photograph.

11:27 Junaid calls. "I just don't know," he said, "why we didn't keep running Gerald Riggs." Much consultation ensues. Finally, the pain in his heart becomes too much to bear, "If only it weren't the Gators...I really hate losing to the Gators."

11:28 The 27 continues to call the wrong phone. My cell phone rings for the better part of ten minutes after I hang up with Junaid and sit staring off into the distance of the ocean on an eerily still night in the Caribbean. I suspect everyone's mother had some handy bromide for situations when your sports team loses. Now, from 2000 miles away I can almost hear my mother intoning "A billion people in China could care less."

Two of the billion who could care less.

11:30 Ultimately around the age of twenty-four I finally had my own ephiphany, "Redemption is only a game away." And so the season will continue and Verne will make all sorts of outlandish errors and the 27 will never remember what telephone to call and there will be more wins and losses but one eternal truth will remain: I will always hate the Gators.

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