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Tennessee v. Florida 2005 (Clay's first ever viewer guide) part one
9/22/05
by Clay

I've never done a timeline for viewing a sporting event before. As a prelude, let it be known that my Tennessee football fandom is quite established both by blood (my grandfather was a defensive lineman for UT in the 1930's and became one of the first in a long line of Volunteer football players not to graduate from the school) by years (the first football game I can vividly recall watching on television without supervision was UT-Miami from the Sugar Bowl in 1986 which I watched alone because my Dad was attending and the first game I ever attended was the following fall in 1986 when UT and UCLA tied) and by punishment (after Auburn stormed back to tie UT in the late 80's I was sent to my room for cursing and was told by my mother: "You will absolutely not be one of those UT fans who beats their wives when they lose." After Florida scored 35 consecutive points in 1997, my senior year of high school, I let loose a torrent of cursing that led to my banishment from the house for a "timeout"). So it was with considerable chagrin that I embarked upon the chronicle of a game of this magnitude given my past history of emotionally unstable behavior.

There is a 99.9% chance that Tennessee fans who beat their wives after a loss would find this shirt stylish.

As a preliminary matter, I chronicled the games leading up to Tennessee-Florida (insert link). And for those who read, I apologize for not attaching this picture then. For those who did not read, the Apollo comedy club was the linchpin holding the CBS crowd together after South Carolina-Alabama but before Tennessee-Florida on CBS Caribbean.

For viewers of the Apollo comedy show, it ain't comedy unless M.C. Hammer's pants from 1988 are mentioned.

6:45 Select pregame attire after jumping in pool to cool off post-workout. Automatically reject "Muslims Are the Bomb" t-shirt and "So Many Christians So Few Lions" t-shirt in the event either Allah or Jesus are likely to actually be deciding this game.

Clay did not want to offend Allah or confuse him with Prince's unprounceable symbol.

Or Jesus either. Somewhere Clay's Sunday School teacher is beaming as Jesus has been featured in two columns this week.

Ultimately comes down to decision between Tennessee national championship shirt and Tennessee SEC champion shirt. Somehow SEC champion seems like the humbler of the choices. I decide both Allah and Jesus would approve.

6:52 Pregame meal of chicken fingers and Mountain Dew. Eating during a big game makes me sick.

7:53 Pregame telephone call from my friend Junaid. Discussion regarding our offensive philosophy and how we'll know whether the game is going in our favor. We agree that we'll be able to tell quite a bit based on the first few offensive series'. At this point I should reiterate that my cell phone does not work in my Virgin Islands condo and that I made that point abundantly clear to anyone who might want to reach me during the game.

7:56 My cell phone rings for the first time. I attempt to answer and can hear nothing at all. Scream, "Call me at home" while craning my neck to see if Omarion is still singing on the Apollo comedy show.

8:00 SEC on CBS music begins. This is spectacular music. Every time I hear this music I think I can run through a wall. Luckily, I do not act on this feeling.

8:02 First mention of Urban Meyer's spread offense. I stifle a gag.

Is it just me or is this the worst t-shirt ever made? Aren't those got milk ads forty years old by now?

8:08 Cinema verite opening to game is shocking to me on several levels. Among them, 1. that Verne can correctly pronounce ver-i-tay (remember Versailles, Kentucky is pronounced Ver-sales down south) 2. cinema verite is actually mentioned in regards to a football game 3. The Longest Yard is interspliced with footage of real games. (See Shaw's review of TLY here) Are you kidding me?

Utilizing The Longest Yard in a cinema verite opening is like slamming feces on canvas and selling it as a Jackson Pollack.

8:09 Verne says something about how Adam Sandler hasn't been the same since Happy Gilmore. I'm apoplectic. Somewhere, somehow, I pray that someone had Adam Sandler in the what's the most ludicrous thing Verne Lundquist will talk about during tonight's game contest.

8:10 What a coincidence, The Longest Yard is one of the sponsors for tonight's game. It's amazing how these things work out. This week for Florida-Kentucky I understand Verne is going to call the entire game in UnderArmour.

8:12 Opening kickoff. An overhyped Verne hollers, "Fumble" as loud as he can. In no way does anything occur that at all resembles a fumble. Todd Blackledge does his best to cover while Verne stutters an apology.

8:18 Chris Leak is sacked twice in the same minute. The second by Tennessee defensive back Jason Allen.

Chris Leak in happier times when the fat white men in his life weren't sitting on top of him.

8:21 Junaid's second call, "I'm feeling good," he states. Communications system fails.

8:23 Junaid's third call, "I'm still feeling good," he states. We agree we both like the pace and tone of the game. "This is Volunteer football," I say.

8:35 University of Florida graduate the 27's first call to my cell phone ten seconds after
Florida's first touchdown. "Spread offense." A pause, "Spread offense," he says again.
The 27. Once an all-state Florida football player, now a lawyer. How the mighty have fallen.

8:38 Erik Ainge enters the game at quarterback for UT. He immediately goes deep. Incomplete.

Every time UT loses and I start to feel sorry for Erik Ainge, I think, why are you feeling sorry for him, no matter which way the game comes out he's spending more time in sorority houses than you are.

8:40 My college roommate Cliff calls during a commercial break. He lives in San Francisco and has no interest in college football except in ridiculing the Univeristy of Tennessee. "The spread option offense is unstoppable," he says in his WWE wrestler voice. After a short pause, "Did you get my flight information?"

8:50 Sometimes on big games, I don't change the channel during commercial breaks. This is definitely a big game. So I'm still watching when the Homeland Security Ad comes on. Is this really the best way our tax dollars could be spent? On a little girl talking about terrorism.

8:51 Return from commercial break features two hot Florida undergrads wearing cowboy hats. They each hold up their fingers and say they are #1. At first I'm inclined to agree, but then I start thinking they looked way too comfortable on camera. I'm sure you catch my drift.

8:52 Television timeouts are bracketed by one play. Why does this happen? Can CBS not see this coming? Verne, come on, Verne.

8:54 Miller High Life runs a television commercial that must be at least five minutes thirteen seconds long. And all bad. It's a football game...if you want me to drink your beer show me almost naked girls. That's the deal. Don't break that agreement.

Why I love Miller Lite (and old men in cowboy hats). Wait...

8:58 Drug control commercial on second hand smoke with the slogan, "Don't pass gas." Third graders everywhere snicker...I want my tax refund and no more government commercials.

9:00 My wife Lara calls needing a phone number as UT breaks the huddle on third down. Is there anything more true than the fact that your wife only needs something when a key play is about to happen?

9:10 Tennessee touchdown. Bret Smith the touchdown maker...Bret Smith the touchdown maker...Bret Smith the touchdown maker. Tie ballgame.

Am I the only person who sees the picture and wonders what happened to the photographer?

9:13 Return from commercial break to see hot UT chicks in half-torn wife beaters. Ok, ok, who's with me, Florida girls in cowboy hats vs. UT chicks in wife-beater in a pudding wrestling match to decide the game.

I was going to use a picture of Blue from Old School as someone who would definitely be with me, but somehow this guy's picture came up on google image search for "old school blue." Somehow, I doubt he'd have a problem with the pudding wrestling.

9:21 Long pause for instant replay that reverses call giving the Vols the ball inside the Gator one. Junaid calls, "This is why I wasn't in favor of instant replay," he says.

9:27 Blocked kick. I hate kickers.

9:33 UT's third sack.

9:34 Jason Allen...Jason Allen...Jason Allen

Ok, ok. Every bit of it is true. I do have a nonsexual crush on Jason Allen.

9:39 Halftime. Gator fans demonstrate their idiocy by raining down boos on their team so loud even Verne hears them. This despite the fact that their team is in a 7-7 tie with the #5 team in the country.

Immediately go outside to pool area where my cell phone works and place calls to Cliff, Junaid, Weatherholt, and the 27. Discuss strategy and potential play calls in case Fulmer decides to call seeking suggestions.

Unlike most of my friends, Phil Fulmer always remembers to dial the home line and not the cell phone number during games.

Save the best for last, leaving this bon mot on the 27's answering machine,

"The verdict is in, the spread offense doesn't work when the quarterback running the offense spreads his legs and reveals female genitalia."

Satisfied, I return for the second half. The second half diary will be published this Friday as it is far too long now to be only one column. Check back Friday for the conclusion. (And yes, I already realize in advance this column being continued was like the Different Strokes episode where we already knew that Arnold wasn't going to die but everyone was supposed to think he might).

The first thing Willis will do once he gets out of jail? Check out the second half of Clay's Tennessee-Florida game diary of course.

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