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Tetris Taught Me...
9/15/05
by DJ

"There's somethin' wrong with the world today
I don't know what it is
Something's wrong with our eyes..." -Aerosmith, 'Livin' On the Edge"

Steven Tyler asked this question, and in the wake of the recent disasters, both natural and unnautural, home and abroad, I find myself thinking the same thing. Has the world lost its morals, its base values? I believe the answer is a resounding yes. There is only one simple solution to solve this, the world must get back to its roots, backtrack and begin anew from whence we started; back to the days when Gameboy and Tetris ruled the world.

Yes, Tetris (created by Alexey Pazhitnov), the only thing besides vodka and hot tennis girls Russia ever gave us. If everyone would stop for a moment and turn on the power, watch the green screen scroll down the word "Nintendo" and hear that self assuring 'Pa-Pling', the world would be a better place. The other day I was sitting on the couch enjoyably watching a football game. I looked over and my wife has dug out from the recesses of her storage the bulky gray contraption everyone knew and loved as a kid, the Gameboy. She popped Tetris in and played. At first I ignored her, but the click-clacking of the A and B button, and that trance-like music reeled me in. It was the best music ever. Perhaps it was the very limitations of the Game Boy’s sound system that demanded extra ingenuity and acute perception, but the music was deceptively deep with counter-melodies, harmonies and it was achingly catchy. To listen to it click here ( http://attaboy.ca/audio/gameboy%20tetris%20theme.mp3 ) I wrested it from her grip and commenced to give her an old school whoopin'. Or so I thought. She kicked my ass every time but twice, and I couldn't touch her high score. Yes, I admit it. First, I blamed the game, second the gamboy itself, but then I took a look in the mirror. Upon further thought I realized that Tetris is the great sex equalizer, the most perfect and wholesome game ever created. And better yet, Tetris taught us values, values missing from the world today...

1. Tetris is not sexist, racist, elitist or any other -ist. Everyone is the same, no biases. You get what the game gives you and anyone can win. And it came with the Gameboy standard, so if you had the two person hookup up cord, it also built friendships.

2. Tetris taught me the fundamental difference between women and men, no books or classes needed. Men are hunters, this is why we go for the easy single or double line score. They aren't worth much, but there is the feeling you are invincible when you hear that conquering scoring sound. Women are gatherers. They wait for the triples, and the oh-so elusive 4-liner aka "The Tetris," which is worth more point wise. Men get their lines, but women invest and get their scores.¹

3. Tetris taught you how to make cool vanity plates. The high scoreboard had enough letters for taunts such as "DJSUCKS", "LOSER!", "HOEBAG", and other such deridings. This proves invaluable for the later years of your life when wit and cunning are at premium, or if you are forced to stamp license plates in Chino, you will know their origin.

4. Tetris, much like life, rewards you for smart decisions. The Tetris gods did not dole out the blocks at random. Careful planning would get you the necessary pieces to build an empire, and in the end you would get a Tetris, the ultimate score. In life, smart decisions can keep you out of jail and being someones bitch for 8 to 10 at the aforementioned Chino corrections facility.²

The Tetris gods can be dastardly....

5. Tetris taught me fair play. It was the only game you could never accuse some one of cheating on, and you couldn't cheat at it either. And there are no codes, so skill, dexterity, and a basic knowledge of geometry reign supreme. If you lost you were fairly beaten, unless you were bigger than your opponent in which case you pummeled them and called them a nerd.

Furthermore, I believe the world's squabbles could be solved if the antagonists of the world settled it in a game of two player Tetris. Imagine, Bush and Bin Ladin playing Tetris for world domination. Or if states miscounted their votes to the extent that there was no clear victor, the two candidates would sqaure off in the Tetris arena. This way, Bush would have never been in office. He probably sucks at Tetris.

They should eliminate overtime in the NFL, since the current system sucks. All ties at the end of regularion should result in a Tetris game between the coaches, but with one long cord connecting the two consoles from each sidelines for safety sake. What if Bill Bellichek and John Gruden were playing? That would be hilarious. Things today are too complicated, too many bells and whistles. I love my handheld PS2, but the Gameboy and Tetris still rule (just like O'doyle). Sometimes you have to go old school to cure what ails you. Ultimately, in my mind, there is nothing Tetris can't solve. The world needs Tetris.

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[1.] For the record, boys rule and girls drool......

[2.] As you may have discerned by now I am deathly afraid of going to Chino and getting forcibly sodomized.

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