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Tommy Lee Goes to College 9/8/05 by DJ

When I think of excess to the most exreme and malicious use of fame and fortune to the highest degree, two words come to mind: Tommy Lee. What has he not done? This man used to inject alcohol into his veins....to sober him up. He's seen more beaver than a colonial pelt hunter. His Crue was legendary. In short, he is one of my all-time heroes. Luckily, NBC and VH1 have picked up his new reality series Tommy Lee Goes to College.

And even though he enrolled at the dreaded University of Nebraska, this series is still worth watching. I have seen most of the episodes and they are hilarious. There are only two things that suck about this show. First the narrarator sounds like a British James Earl Jones. I don't know what his deal is or why they picked him. I would rather have John Madden do it. In fact, John Madden should narrate everything that requires a narrator. Secondly, everytime he doesn't know an answer to anything they do the "surprised, aloof close up of Tommy Lee." Since he hasn't been to class since high school (if even then), this happens approximately 703 times an episode. The only thing missing was the noise Scooby Doo used to make. We get it. He doesn't know anything. But the good far outweighs the bad in this show. A numeration of the good in no particular order of course would have to include...

1. The tutor Natalie. She is quite the looker. I have been to Nebraska's campus three times in my athletic career and never have I seen anyone half this good looking, which leads me to believe she doesn't really go there and they paid her to do the show. It's too much of a coincidence that she's blonde (gasp, TL loves blondes with nice racks!!!), and just happens to be his tutor. Of course the producers of the show realized this and in a nice twist when Natalie was supposed to go to his newly tricked out dorm for a tutoring session instead to help him concentrate they send a chick probably named Helga or Ursula. She looked like a hybrid between an African Rhino and Nancy Lopez plus a 'stache. Tommy spryly opens the door...cue closeup...classic...

2. His roommate is funny/lame. His sparkly clean bio reads like he is an annual candidate for douche of the year, but he has one saving grace: he has Tommy Lee for a roomie, the greatest nookie nosher of all time this side of Wilt the Stilt, and despite this has yet to have any chicks over. Bro, step your game up soon, or you might end up playing for the wrong team.

3. The Athletic Director is a dick. Tommy asked to go out for some "coed" IM sports, just to see what it was like. The AD acted like he asked to be the next Eric Crouch. He made him go out for volleyball, which he sucked at. When he went out for swimming, he wore a speedo. He sucked. And no I didn't look. The track was hilarious. He wore Chuck T's and got smoked, damn near lapped, by the others. He looked like a tatted scarecrow being pulled, albeit slowly, around the track with a rope by the waist. He weighs like 140 pounds.

4. When TL tries out for band. He has to wake up at the ass crack of dawn. It's safe to say that he's never been up this early in his adult life. Slightly funny. Then the drumline leader said he might "ruin the drumline." I found this very funny. He was the drummer of one of the biggest rock bands of all time. Shut up prick. The Band Director was this bull dyke of a lady (I think) who made Rosie O' Donnell look like Paris Hilton. Extremely funny.

5. He sent his roomate to one of his classes with a webcam for him and a microphone, and talked to him through an earpiece. Somehow nobody thought some kid coming to class with all this equipment plus a camera following him was weird. Apparently this passes for normal amidst the cornfields.

6. TL made the band. Surprise. He gets to perform at halftime, in perhaps the most watched halftime show ever at the university. He nails it. Surprise. Legions of chicks scream his name as his face is plastered on the big screen. This may have been the highlight of Nebraska's football season seeing as how they were absolutely wretched that year. Plus it finally explained the odd footage of these scenes from College Gameday in the middle of last season.

7. Only TL can say the words "gnarly", "rad", and "far out", often in the same sentence, and make it seem cool. Any other guy would be summarily mocked and pummeled. I think this might be because he banged Pamela Anderson on tape.

8. When TL gets hazed by a fraternity and has to clean toilets and cook. This is laced with irony because had he never been in Motley Crue, this probably would have been his real job judging by the way he takes to academia.

9. When TL is at college parties you can just see he's thinking he made the right choice by joining The Crue. Instead of doing keg stands, playing beer pong, and praying for an average chick to hook-up with at the end of the night in college, he was banging Playmates, groupies, and drums, (sometimes all at once), getting lambasted out of his gourd while flying all over the world. Good career move.

That's pretty much it. The reality show about a bastion of the rock world who enters college life doesn't seem all that funny until you watch it. Or maybe it's just that anything he does is pretty damn cool because of the life he's lived. Post your thoughts about the show, or my semi-obvious non-sexual crush on Tommy Lee, on our message board.

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