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DeadlyHippos Personality Quiz: Are you self-loathing?
9/28/05
by Shaw

The more that I look at the Deadlyhippos.com content lately, the more I worry. We’ve certainly captured the overtly male market, with stories and columns about college football, drunken rowdiness, and hot college girls. But what about the women? We brought up Brad Pitt last week, to a fanfare of praise and questions about my masculinity. For this reason, I thought it was time to bring in that old staple of women’s magazines: the self-quiz. As the women’s magazines usually use female pronouns, we’ll use male pronouns. If you are a woman, I apologize--make sure you change them when you try this quiz out on your friends. And now, the first installment in my (maybe) ongoing series of personality quizzes:

Are you self-loathing?

1. When you walk into a bar and see a hot girl, you:

a. Immediately go talk to her, using a pick-up line, or just inviting her back to your house for sex.
b. Come up with an excuse to talk to her, like asking the time, dropping something near her, or spilling beer on her ugly friend.
c. Go sit with your friends but establish periodic eye contact to feel her out.
d. Keep your eyes to the floor, hurry when you have to walk past her, refuse to speak out loud at your table to avoid being noticed.

2. You are most like:

a. John
b. Paul
c. George
d. Ringo

3. If you found out you had a terminal illness and had a month to live, you would:

a. Try to live life to the fullest for the last 4 weeks: skydiving, traveling, fishing, sailing, mountain climbing.
b. Call all the girls you regretted not hooking up with in high school and college to see if they want one last chance.
c. Cry for a while but tell your friends it will be okay.
d. Look at the doctor, shrug, then say, “bound to happen sooner or later,” pick up a stack of porn and some hot pockets, go home, and lock your door.

4. You work at your current job because:

a. You love it: great people, nice boss, love going in to work every morning.
b. It’s a good job, the money’s good so I stay.
c. It’s okay. I'm looking for other jobs right now but this one suffices.
d. I hate my job and I don’t think I'm qualified to do it. Then again, I’m not qualified to do anything else, so what’s the point of trying to find another job?

5. If a friend asks you to help him or her move, you respond:

a. You better be paying me—I’m no sap.
b. Sure, as long as you help me move.
c. I’ll do it but only because you’re my friend.
d. Sure, I’m not doing anything else that day, or any other day for that matter. I have no life. In fact helping you move might be the most fun I have that week.

6. In high school, you played:

a. Football, baseball, and basketball
b. Cross-country skiing, cross-country running, and track
c. Tennis, golf, and soccer
d. Dungeons and Dragons

7. When working out in the gym, you principally:

a. Look at yourself in the mirror while doing curls, and like what you see, thinking, “all the women in this gym want me; all the men in this gym want to be me.”
b. Give the eye to all the girls that walk by and occasionally follow them around from station to station.
c. Don’t really like looking in the mirror because it reminds you of how much further you have to go to be in ideal shape.
d. Gym?

8. When it comes to drinking alone, you:

a. You never do it.
b. Sometimes have a beer with dinner
c. Often need a beer or two to relax
d. Can never get anyone to go to a bar with you and get plastered at home while watching Monk every Friday night.

9. You sometimes grow a beard because:

a. You like the way it looks, and so do most women.
b. You like to change your appearance every once in a while
c. You want to see how well it grows in
d. You would rather hide under a mask of terrifying scraggly facial hair than face the world as yourself.

10. My computer is:

a. On at work, but when I get home I only use it for a few minutes a day to check scores and movie times—I have better things to do with my life.
b. Fun for things like email and chatting with friends, but not all the time.
c. The only thing on my desk. I usually pop by and check my email every ten minutes at home.
d. The only friend I have.

Give yourself 1 point for each “a” answer, 2 for each “b”, 3 for each “c”, and 4 for each “d”; add them up, and look below for your self-loathing analysis:

10-20: You are a self-important frat guy asshole. You walk into a room and you think everyone’s looking at you, and while this is probably true, it’s not because you’re as hot as you think you are, but because your hair looks like it took 2 hours to gel into individual 4-hair spikes. No one will ever love you as much as you love yourself, and this is probably okay with you because you don’t think anyone deserves you anyway. You will die alone and in a last minute epiphany realize your life has been a complete sham but it will be too late to apologize.

21-30: You’re about normal. You may have flashes of self-loathing, but you are relatively well-adjusted to life and will end up happy, no matter what you’re doing. Good luck with that.

31-40: You loathe yourself about as much as possible. You would rather spend a night alone in the dark hole that is your bedroom because you don’t think you deserve happiness or sunshine. And you know what? You’re right—you really don’t. Most likely you will spend the better part of your agonizingly long life in this dank sewer, never advancing in your crappy job, and with no one by your side to miss you when you die.

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