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Is R. Kelly the funniest man alive or the craziest man alive?
9/26/05
by Clay

I'm completely torn on whether R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet (hiphopera) is hysterical or represents further evidence of the decline of American civilization. (I haven't been this unsure about something since Jenna Jameson used a strap-on in Bella does Jenna.) On some level I suspect this is because I'm not sure whether R. Kelly is an absolute buffoon or hilarious. This could easily be resolved were I allowed to spend an entire evening hanging out with him, but since that is unlikely to occur, I am left with only his public persona to analyze. This persona in my mind primarily consists of enjoying pissing on underage girls and still being able to sell a million records. I don't see how this fact can be overcome but somehow R. Kelly has. Imagine if suddenly there was a video of George Bush pissing on an underage girl. He'd be impeached, divorced, and no one would ever speak to him again. But evidently if Bush released an album he would sell a million copies and no one would mention his pissing video again. In light of this fact might I suggest a guaranteed way for George Bush to avoid blame for his response to Hurricane Katrina, release an album where you pee on Hurricane Katrina's printed picture while standing in a closet.

R. Kelly and George Bush. Both proud to be pissing Americans?

Regardless, thanks to MTV's five millionth replay of the Music Awards I was finally able to watch the show in its entirety. I don't know how anyone could talk about anything from this show but R. Kelly's "performance." He sang Trapped in the Closet in its entirety. And by sang I mean lip-synched the entire thing. At this point, I feel like anyone who hasn't either seen the video or read the lyrics to this song is doing themselves a tremendous disservice. In fact, you might be either a communist or a terrorist. So watch it here.

My favorite part of the lyrics is this tremendous interlude that may render most of Macbeth obsolete:

"Then he stepped to me, I'm like whoa
There's a reason I'm in this closet
He says, yeah like what, are you talkin clothes"

Talkin' clothes? Has there ever been a better metaphor. Ever. The answer is no.

R. Kelly has metaphors covered, however, where this song really takes off is via his strong ear for dialogue:

And she said, "But she's a he!"
And he said, "Please, you can't judge me"
She said, "But Rufus this is crazy!"
And I said, "Stop arguing!

And even better,

I said, "Brother, spare the details!"
Then Rufus said, "Chuck, please! Don't say nothing else!"
Then she screams, "Rufus you son of a bitch,"
He says, "Cathy, go to hell!"
I said, "I thought you said your name was Mary, that what you said at the party.
Man this is gettin scary imma shoot somebody!"

Here are the lyrics in their entirety.

My prediction: in fifty years, Chinese kids will be studying Trapped in the Closet like we study Shakespeare now.

Mr. Kelly you are charged with writing the worst lyrics in the history of the world, how do you plead?

During the course of his solo performance incorporating no less than five different speakers each rendered by Kelly himself, all I could think was, is R. Kelly playing a huge joke on everyone or is he really serious? There seem to be suggestions of both. For instance midway thorough his lip-synching a hint of a smile starts playing at the corner of R's mouth. Perhaps this was a smile of self-congratulations because R. had just uttered the surgically precise methaphor of "talkin' clothes" but perhaps this was an indication that R. could barely contain himself over the fact that MTV had given him approximately twenty-three minutes to stand in a fake bedroom without walls and lip-sync this song. Instead of MTV watching R. the entire time, I would have also been interested in what the other singers were doing during this time. Were they paying attention? Were they incredulous? Was Jamie Foxx working his ugly mugg in front of a camera minus the red light like he was Tyson Beckford? Was forty-year old Gwen Stefani amazed that her video where she dresses up in a high school cheerleading costume for Hollaback Girl seems downright normal in comparison to Trapped in the Closet? Were music executives tapping one another on the shoulder and whispering, "I told you Americans are dumb?"

Basically I just kept wondering, will R. Kelly at the end of this song (he is currently filming the video for chapters 6-10) say, "Gotcha." or more likely:

Then Rufus said, "Hey" and Cathy said, "Hey yourself" and I said, "Hay is for horsesssss"
And this story has been like no otherrrrr
Hardy (I'm getting there) Har (futher still) Harrrrrrrrrrrrr

In the great metaphor that is a music listener's life, Clay is the white boxer above seeking to escape R. Kelly's lyrical wizardry.

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